Elementary school really sucked for me..

Most of the times when i am out walking by myself i think about a lot of things.

On my way back from the store just now i started thinking about my old school.

My best friend's daughter is 6 years old now and has started something that i would translate to play-school, a school you go to before you start actual school at age 7.

When i think about when i started going to school i don't feel happy. 

I am hoping that she is very happy in school and has lots of friends and that everyone is nice to each other.

I was bullied from the first day of play-school... The nickname i hated and that followed me from age 6 to about age 12 was so wittily thought up on my very first day... It was a word that started with the same letter as my last name. My last name is Finnish so it sounded strange to the other kids so a boy thought it was hilarious to give me a nickname.

It started with that and then it just developed and got worse and worse. I had no friends, had no voice and i was more bullied than the kid who would pick his nose and put his hand down his pants in class.. At some point it was decided that i was gross and that you couldn't sit in a seat where i had been sitting.

I don't remember very much from school because my mind has blocked all of those bad memories out, but some has stuck with me. I remember the time the guys was teasing me and calling me a pig, which still to this day i do not see any reason for at all seeing as i do not have an up turned "piggy looking" nose, i was a very skinny girl (one of the smallest in class actually) and not smelling bad or anything like that. When they were calling me piggy and making pig noises at me i shouted at them to stop, like a normal person would when being attacked. I yelled at them to "Stop!" and my teacher answers by telling me to keep my voice down... This is when i lost faith in my teacher, because it was so unfair, and i never stood up for myself again, since i was the one apparently who was going to be in trouble and not the person making me scream.

Another time was when a guy was picking on me, i don't remember all the details but i remember running away from him through the hallways and i close a door behind me and his foot got stuck under it and he got pretty hurt.. He was chasing me, tormenting me and he got hurt. What happened next? All my classmates blamed me and treated me like a villain, eventhough everyone knew he was a troublemaker and that he was chasing me when this happened. 

I was in this class from age 6 to 12, suffering worst part of the bullying with them during the earlier years. Not that they stopped later on, it just stopped being as intense as it was when i was 6-9 years old.

In middle school (högstadiet) everyone got new classes with a mix from people in their old class and people from other classes and other schools. I was assigned to a class where i funny enough had no actual friends? I don't know how that happened since we got to write a list of people we wanted to be in the same class as in order of priority.. i got put in the same class as the last person on my list and we were not friends, i just thought he was alright. 

To keep this story i'm about to get into a bit shorter i will not give all the details but i then met some girls in another class who had went to another school than me before and we became friends and i asked to be transferred to their class instead. 

After some time one of the girls wanted to shut the other one out and so we did (yeah awefull i know), we phased her out of our group. This girl changed so much and was treating me worse and worse also, but she was my only friend. Then later on this girl from my old class (who is a bit crazy also btw) asked me about her and i said something about her not being nice and then she went and told her about it. My "friend" confronted me about it, basically asking me if i had called her a bitch. I was honest but she wouldn't really listen to what i had to say and decided to hate me with a burning passion from that day on. She would send me notes with threats on them in class, flip me off in the hallway and wrote profanities on my locker.

I was met with a lot of "girl hate" all through middle school, which i am sure a lot of other girls can relate to aswell because teenage girls are horrible to each other. 

I did, however, start to stand up for myself more during middle school. One time one of the girls who was very popular in my old class came up to me and told me she was doing her internship at my boyfriend's job (he was 5 years older than me). She told me i shouldn't worry about her stealing him from me... I quickly responded that i wasn't worried about it. Her friend then got angry and asked me if i didn't think she was hot and i just said, i just don't think he wants you.

I bet if i hadn't been the athlete i was she would have wanted to kick my ass at that moment, but if she did she knew she would be the one ending up hurt as she would be no match for me so she just huffed and puffed and stormed off. 

That moment felt great. Not letting her scare me anymore and standing up for myself.

That is some of my bully history in school, i don't remember much as i said but i was bullied from age 6 to the year i was turning 16.. 10 years of bullying.

I know other kids go through similar things, but i still hope that the kids at my friends daughter's school treat eachother with kindness and respect and that they have teachers who work actively against bullying.

Mental health and relationships

Figured if i start writing more regularly i will not find myself so overwhelmed everytime..

There is something scary about people finding my blog and reading it but if i din't want to share, why would i post things?

I have decided to start making youtube vids again but i need to purchase a new editing program first and that is just not in the budget for this month.

I am going to put myself out there and fight my fears like i used to.. i miss 2013 Tezzi, she was so brave. I want to have parts of her with me again and if i wasn't that then i have to strive towards that.

I am glad that i have gotten a better perspective of who deserves the time i spend on them and proud of how far i have come in building real and healthy friendships.

My biggest goal right now apart from managing my studies is to get an appointment with a psychologist.. proves harder for me than i thought since they always want you to call these day, why do they even have a message service if you can't use it? I will fix this by actually going to the health care center and ask them in person for an appointment.. i wish phone calls didn't cause so much anxiety for me but they do and combined with my fear for hospitals and doctors it's even worse.

So biggest goal for the future is getting myself an appointment so i can start talking to a professional again because that is something i need on and off and frankly it would be a relief to stop analyzing things i do etc all by myself.
I am much better than i was a year ago but there are some days that i just exhaust myself and it makes me not being able to sleep and stuff because i'm overthinking very small problems in my life...

It's so strange in some ways that i'm doing so much better considering all the changes that has happened but i suppose they pushed me forward in life somehow. China as a total experience with everything that happened i think shocked me back to a more neutral zone again or something?

My breakup after a relationship going on for over 3 years is something that fascinates me a lot as well, especially considering how other people react on my reaction towards it. Not talking about how it all went down but the fact that i am totally fine. I haven't talked to many people about what happened because frankly it does not matter. My classmates ask me about how i am doing and i am just like " Umm it happened in June so it was a long time ago". Apparently people think a few month is not a long time but for me, i am totally fine. I mean yeah okay i am a person who has no problem with being on her own but at the same time hates being single. All the confusion that comes with it and all the people who sees you as available, because you are. It's just a bit much sometimes for my prone-to-overthink mind and i have to check myself quite a lot. But not being in that particular relationship anymore is not something that i feel very sad about.

All my life experiences turn me into the person i am and i always commit to my partner 100% so i have no regrets in the end. I know that it can be difficult to be one of the people i feel closest to sometimes (like when i am going through a depression), but i keep growing and learning how to handle my depression with other people and everything that goes down involving that is not just my fault. Sure it is up to me to draw the line and not allowing my partner for example to be an enabler, not letting them be my only source to making me feel better.

I have learnt this through 2 of my relationships. I learnt at least two things and that is that it is not my fault that the depression comes in between the relationship and that it is up to me to not, as i said, let them enable it. When you love someone you want to support them, it's natural and it is also a natural reaction to want to be taken care of.

The longest relationship i had taught me these 2 lessons BUT, my latest relationship made me apply the natural reaction, i tried to set a boundary in the beginning but since i was told it was okay, i allowed it. We let it be a part of the relationship and in the long run it made my depression worse because i put my mental health in someone else's hands. If that someone was my psychologist then it would be totally fine but it is not healthy for that to be your partner, it was bad for me and it was bad for our relationship.

You live and you learn, it is up to me to set that boundary and to keep it. It is only up to my partner to love me on my good and  my bad days but not be the fix to my problem.

Too personal?

Haven't written here in a VERY long time.
Well i haven't published anything in a long time but the truth is, when i am done with a blog post it feels too personal for everyone to read so i never publish them...

I still feel that way but i have learnt about myself that i need to share my thoughts and feeling more and be less scared of it being too personal because how are people supposed to get to know me otherwise?

So here i am, let's start over from a new page since i haven't written anything since 2014.

How are you?
Well it goes up and down. I know i have so many things to be thankful for and i appreciate all of it but being a person with mental illness there are these minor things that just break me down and sometimes major things too... To be honest this day started good but during the evening i have felt myself slowly sinking into that dark place that i hate.

What would you say cause you to go to this dark place most of the time?
Well it is mostly in my head, i know. But essentially it's people. All kinds of relationships can stress me out because of my past with the bullying, loosing one of my "best friend" (who pretty much broke up with me), gotten my heart broken a few times and of course my friend dying in a car accident, which lead to my first depression and then the death of my boyfriend Tony, which caused me to have my first panic attack and getting full-blown social anxiety.

For anyone new to my blog, that is a short briefing on my past, if you are curious (as people often are) you can read about some of it in older blog posts.

So my past has led me to having relationship problems. I am constantly scared of new friends leaving me, overall letting people in because once i do they can really hurt me by leaving, i worry about people forgetting me, i worry about why i am not invited to things. Pretty much i constantly feel different kinds of social pressure and in time this causes me to fall back to depression if it stresses me out too much.
For example i have about 85 people in my Social Work class and i feel pressure for all of them to like me, which, as you can imagine, is exhausting. And people showing interest in me on and off  really stresses me out, which is something that happens with so many people in one class. It's no ones fault really, i have to learn that i can't be friends with everyone. I have to learn to cherish the people who actually show interest in spending time with me instead of focusing on all the people who don't really talk to me after class. Some people can handle this but i can't, so i have to give myself a reality check sometimes on what is important.

I tell people i love my class and i really do, i love each and every one of them. They are all so great in their own ways and yeah i wish i could be friends with everyone. I love them all because it is really in so many ways the best class i have been in because everyone is so accepting of each other. And at the same time it causes me so much stress because i love all of them, because i can't be friends with everyone. When i say friends i mean things that involve spending time with each other outside of school and sharing your hopes and dreams and also your troubles.

Only few people knew how i was doing last semester, which was not really well because of these things, sadly none of these people are in my class... I told none of my classmates how i felt, because it's not their fault i can't handle it.

Yeah starting to feel like it's getting too personal again so let's just leave that at that...

However, i am getting better at dealing with these social issues i'm having and trying to focus on what makes me feel good and makes me happy.

How are you feeling now?
I am feeling a bit better getting some things off my chest and doing so in writing makes things easier for me and i should really start blogging like i used to again.

I will be writing again either tonight already or perhaps in a few days, hopefully ^^

One of the songs i listen to when i am doubting myself

This thing about makeup..

Hai there!

I should be studying right now but i decided to write a little blog entry before i start.

I wanted to put this in my blog simply because i thought it would be a silly post on Facebook, on Facebook people have to read my posts but in my blog it is their choice to come here and read it..

So as a person with a lot of interest in makeup but no where near professional i try to find the perfect product for me and am constantly on the hunt for the perfect mascara and the perfect foundation.

Mascara is not so bad, if it doesn't fit my lashes "chemistry" it's not a disaster unless i would be allergic to the formula of course.
With foundation this is a whoooole another dilemma.
I can never find the right shade for my face.. i found one that works at nighttime for going out but in daylight it looks too orange on me.
If i want some coverage in the daytime i can only use a bit of concealer in my trouble areas.
I am a pretty pale person and i don't really get tanned if i'm out in the sun. My skin can look a little flushed above and between my eyebrows, on my chin and on and around my nose and to top it of of course i get that blueish shade under my eyes easily because of the skin being so light and the blood vessels and such shines through.
The concealer i have works for this problem during the daytime but if i'd get the same shade in a foundation it would make me look too pink if i had it all over my face.

The problem i have is that the tone never matches my neck and chest and as a makeup fanatics knows, if it doesn't match your neckline it is really going to stand out. I see people make this mistake all the time, they put on a foundation or powder on their face and sure they do drag it down their neck to blend it but the chin is going to show against your chest and if they aren't the same shade it is really going to show.

I am curious about trying E.L.F's products but they are only online and therefore i can not try it before i buy it which is a shame.
If i go to Stockholm any time soon i want to go to a makeup store there and try on some MAC products to see if maybe they have a shade for me.

I don't understand why it is so hard for a fair skinned person in Sweden to find a shade for my skin, i mean aren't we supposed to be pretty pale?


These are the ones im using at the moment:

Maybelline Fit me:15

Makeupstore liquid foundation:
Milk(the lightest)

Johannes

Started thinking about Johannes, being far away from a lot of things that would remind me of him has made me think of him less I've realized.
I will never forget him or his spirit.
I can't believe it is going to be 6 years since he passed away in about a month.
When i think of him i think about the purest spirit you can imagine. So happy and so caring for other people, it still doesn't make sense to me but i have come to terms with the fact that he is gone.
I wish i could've had more time to get to know him because from what i saw he was an amazing person.
I think about him everytime i see a biker style leather jacket.
Don't know what more to say except that i miss him, just felt like writing it down.

Last thing

Strange how i can go from one moment thinking about nothing in particular and then i suddenly start to think about Tony.
Well i do think about him alot ofcourse but not about anything in particular, i started thinking about the last few times that i spoke to him.. I can still only remember his voice saying one thing though and i'm sad that it was not I love you..i know he told me he loved me aswell but i can't remember his voice saying it. The last thing i remember him telling me was "I'm sick."
Terrible last thing to remember the person you love saying. I do remember him saying lots of other things to me during the time we were together so it's not like it's the only thing i remember his voice saying.
I mean you can remember whole conversations and such but actually remember the voice saying it is not as easy.

I try to think about him being sick as little as possible because there is no point in dwelling on it but it sneaks up on me now and then.

I miss him but i don't feel the need to cry anymore, it just is the way it is and tears won't change it.
I take comfort in thinking about how happy he would be seeing me being happy and smiling and having a life.
He wouldn't want me to be sad and have his tragedy holding me back in life, he would want me to move on and make as much out of life as i can.
I will always love him but my heart is big enough to make room for someone else in it too, i don't have to feel like i'm abandoning him if i choose to let someone else in aswell.

A new year

So it is now officially 2014.
Closing in on new years eve I thought back on this year and realized so many positive things has happened this year.
And then I thought about 2012 and what I said about that year.. It was both amazing and horrible, starting out great to end in grief, anxiety and depression.
By the time 2013 came I was starting to slowly come back to my old self but I still had a long way to go but i was finally ready to take charge of my life again.
I got an intern-ship at Anybody and stayed there till June and after that I got to work full-time over the summer, during my intern-ship i applied for University's all over the country and got accepted to Umeå University to study language. During this time I was at Anybody i started to find my social confidence again and actually becoming this positive, outgoing piece of sunshine that i used to be.
After the summer i moved to Umeå to start my new life as a student in a new city, it's one of the best things I've done in my life.
New surroundings, new friends and living on my own.

After living there for about a month I start thinking to myself and realize I am more myself than I have been since I was a child, before school broke me down, before people broke me down before life kept kicking me in the face.
I feel genuinely positive about life and my bold, smiling and strong personality that I was born with had come back to me and no one was trying to break me down, people accepted me the way I was instead of trying to force me to be like them or less.

I start breaking down the few walls and obstacles i had left since Tony passed away, i wasn't afraid to be in a room full of people i did not know, not afraid to go for what I want, speak my mind and most importantly not be afraid of people in general.
I used to barely not be able to sit in a waiting room with more than 1 person besides myself.  


So what do I want out of 2014?
I want to be even better.
My resolution will be to open up more and not be afraid to show emotions and say how I really feel about things.
It will be hard to beat 2013 if you think about how much it has changed me and my life for the better but I am hoping 2014 will follow the same path.

I wish my reflection was the core of me

Sometimes i wish i could look into my mirror and ask questions to myself, and get a response from my reflection.
I wish my reflection was the core of me, the one who knew exactly what i was feeling and what i want to know but can not figure out.

I used to be so sure of myself, so sure about everything that i wanted and what i felt.
Remember when you were 5 years old?

Didn't you know exactly what you wanted for your birthday and how you felt about everyone around you?
Didn't you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?

Then what happened?

Life happened.

With every bad encounter in your life you start doubting things that you know, things that you know about yourself.

So wouldn't it be great if you could actually talk to who you are deep within without all the noise?

Proud

I have been thinking a while about making a blog entry like this but I've been feeling a bit ashamed actually about showing pictures from when i was bigger, just like i thought about deleting them from my facebook so many times. But i keep coming back to the thought that the past is the past and that you should look forward and not backwards. Everything i have done in my past has led me to where i am at now. I shouldn't be ashamed of how i looked then but i am very proud of how far i have gotten since then.
I am not saying there is anything wrong with being of a larger size as long as you are healthy and happy but i used to be an athlete when i was younger.

So for a long time i hated my body since i started gaining weight a few years ago. Eventually as I've mentioned in this blog i decided to do something about it. I am now down to 70 kg's and so proud of it, i feel happy and comfortable in my own skin again. All that's left to do is get back in shape as well.

So here is the picture of the Present and the Past that i have wanted to show for some time.

Honesty

I always tell people the thing i respect the most is honesty, i think i got this from my mum.
No matter what you've done it is a thousand times better to tell her the truth than to lie about it because usually when you lie to someone..they find out! And if i were to lie to my mum about something because i don't want her to get mad or sad and she found out.. the lie hurt her more than the truth would have.

So like my mum i respect people who are honest with me.
To me honesty is when you tell someone the truth, and no you are not honest by hiding the truth either.
Lying is the opposite of honesty but honesty is also telling people what you think.
Not telling your friend for example that a certain dress looks horrible on her is not helping, just be honest and say your opinion about it. Most of my friends love that about me and find it refreshing and they know if they don't want the truth then they shouldn't ask me about it either.

I don't know how much i stress to people that i just want them to be honest with me.
If you think something about me then just tell me and if it's something bad then it can be worked out.
I will give you the same respect, i will always tell people what i think and why i think so.
Now I'm not saying that you should go around and insult people, that's not nice.
But be true to the people you care about.

I realize there are several people who think i might be aiming this blog post towards them but it is not meant to be a personal attack against anyone, it's just something i want to get off my chest.

I wish everyone could be more honest with each other, there would be so much less misunderstandings and hate going around.

I'm not perfect when it comes to this because i do tend to hide my emotions but whenever someone asks me about it i will be an open book and just say whatever I'm feeling or thinking about, i will most likely have a emotionless face or a smile when i say it though to not feel too exposed.

If you've ever seen me cry (and not because i have gotten physically hurt) you know you are one of the few people i trust enough to not hide what i am actually feeling and i love you < 3

To the rest of you i love you too!