Too personal?

Haven't written here in a VERY long time.
Well i haven't published anything in a long time but the truth is, when i am done with a blog post it feels too personal for everyone to read so i never publish them...

I still feel that way but i have learnt about myself that i need to share my thoughts and feeling more and be less scared of it being too personal because how are people supposed to get to know me otherwise?

So here i am, let's start over from a new page since i haven't written anything since 2014.

How are you?
Well it goes up and down. I know i have so many things to be thankful for and i appreciate all of it but being a person with mental illness there are these minor things that just break me down and sometimes major things too... To be honest this day started good but during the evening i have felt myself slowly sinking into that dark place that i hate.

What would you say cause you to go to this dark place most of the time?
Well it is mostly in my head, i know. But essentially it's people. All kinds of relationships can stress me out because of my past with the bullying, loosing one of my "best friend" (who pretty much broke up with me), gotten my heart broken a few times and of course my friend dying in a car accident, which lead to my first depression and then the death of my boyfriend Tony, which caused me to have my first panic attack and getting full-blown social anxiety.

For anyone new to my blog, that is a short briefing on my past, if you are curious (as people often are) you can read about some of it in older blog posts.

So my past has led me to having relationship problems. I am constantly scared of new friends leaving me, overall letting people in because once i do they can really hurt me by leaving, i worry about people forgetting me, i worry about why i am not invited to things. Pretty much i constantly feel different kinds of social pressure and in time this causes me to fall back to depression if it stresses me out too much.
For example i have about 85 people in my Social Work class and i feel pressure for all of them to like me, which, as you can imagine, is exhausting. And people showing interest in me on and off  really stresses me out, which is something that happens with so many people in one class. It's no ones fault really, i have to learn that i can't be friends with everyone. I have to learn to cherish the people who actually show interest in spending time with me instead of focusing on all the people who don't really talk to me after class. Some people can handle this but i can't, so i have to give myself a reality check sometimes on what is important.

I tell people i love my class and i really do, i love each and every one of them. They are all so great in their own ways and yeah i wish i could be friends with everyone. I love them all because it is really in so many ways the best class i have been in because everyone is so accepting of each other. And at the same time it causes me so much stress because i love all of them, because i can't be friends with everyone. When i say friends i mean things that involve spending time with each other outside of school and sharing your hopes and dreams and also your troubles.

Only few people knew how i was doing last semester, which was not really well because of these things, sadly none of these people are in my class... I told none of my classmates how i felt, because it's not their fault i can't handle it.

Yeah starting to feel like it's getting too personal again so let's just leave that at that...

However, i am getting better at dealing with these social issues i'm having and trying to focus on what makes me feel good and makes me happy.

How are you feeling now?
I am feeling a bit better getting some things off my chest and doing so in writing makes things easier for me and i should really start blogging like i used to again.

I will be writing again either tonight already or perhaps in a few days, hopefully ^^

One of the songs i listen to when i am doubting myself

This thing about makeup..

Hai there!

I should be studying right now but i decided to write a little blog entry before i start.

I wanted to put this in my blog simply because i thought it would be a silly post on Facebook, on Facebook people have to read my posts but in my blog it is their choice to come here and read it..

So as a person with a lot of interest in makeup but no where near professional i try to find the perfect product for me and am constantly on the hunt for the perfect mascara and the perfect foundation.

Mascara is not so bad, if it doesn't fit my lashes "chemistry" it's not a disaster unless i would be allergic to the formula of course.
With foundation this is a whoooole another dilemma.
I can never find the right shade for my face.. i found one that works at nighttime for going out but in daylight it looks too orange on me.
If i want some coverage in the daytime i can only use a bit of concealer in my trouble areas.
I am a pretty pale person and i don't really get tanned if i'm out in the sun. My skin can look a little flushed above and between my eyebrows, on my chin and on and around my nose and to top it of of course i get that blueish shade under my eyes easily because of the skin being so light and the blood vessels and such shines through.
The concealer i have works for this problem during the daytime but if i'd get the same shade in a foundation it would make me look too pink if i had it all over my face.

The problem i have is that the tone never matches my neck and chest and as a makeup fanatics knows, if it doesn't match your neckline it is really going to stand out. I see people make this mistake all the time, they put on a foundation or powder on their face and sure they do drag it down their neck to blend it but the chin is going to show against your chest and if they aren't the same shade it is really going to show.

I am curious about trying E.L.F's products but they are only online and therefore i can not try it before i buy it which is a shame.
If i go to Stockholm any time soon i want to go to a makeup store there and try on some MAC products to see if maybe they have a shade for me.

I don't understand why it is so hard for a fair skinned person in Sweden to find a shade for my skin, i mean aren't we supposed to be pretty pale?


These are the ones im using at the moment:

Maybelline Fit me:15

Makeupstore liquid foundation:
Milk(the lightest)

Johannes

Started thinking about Johannes, being far away from a lot of things that would remind me of him has made me think of him less I've realized.
I will never forget him or his spirit.
I can't believe it is going to be 6 years since he passed away in about a month.
When i think of him i think about the purest spirit you can imagine. So happy and so caring for other people, it still doesn't make sense to me but i have come to terms with the fact that he is gone.
I wish i could've had more time to get to know him because from what i saw he was an amazing person.
I think about him everytime i see a biker style leather jacket.
Don't know what more to say except that i miss him, just felt like writing it down.

Last thing

Strange how i can go from one moment thinking about nothing in particular and then i suddenly start to think about Tony.
Well i do think about him alot ofcourse but not about anything in particular, i started thinking about the last few times that i spoke to him.. I can still only remember his voice saying one thing though and i'm sad that it was not I love you..i know he told me he loved me aswell but i can't remember his voice saying it. The last thing i remember him telling me was "I'm sick."
Terrible last thing to remember the person you love saying. I do remember him saying lots of other things to me during the time we were together so it's not like it's the only thing i remember his voice saying.
I mean you can remember whole conversations and such but actually remember the voice saying it is not as easy.

I try to think about him being sick as little as possible because there is no point in dwelling on it but it sneaks up on me now and then.

I miss him but i don't feel the need to cry anymore, it just is the way it is and tears won't change it.
I take comfort in thinking about how happy he would be seeing me being happy and smiling and having a life.
He wouldn't want me to be sad and have his tragedy holding me back in life, he would want me to move on and make as much out of life as i can.
I will always love him but my heart is big enough to make room for someone else in it too, i don't have to feel like i'm abandoning him if i choose to let someone else in aswell.

A new year

So it is now officially 2014.
Closing in on new years eve I thought back on this year and realized so many positive things has happened this year.
And then I thought about 2012 and what I said about that year.. It was both amazing and horrible, starting out great to end in grief, anxiety and depression.
By the time 2013 came I was starting to slowly come back to my old self but I still had a long way to go but i was finally ready to take charge of my life again.
I got an intern-ship at Anybody and stayed there till June and after that I got to work full-time over the summer, during my intern-ship i applied for University's all over the country and got accepted to Umeå University to study language. During this time I was at Anybody i started to find my social confidence again and actually becoming this positive, outgoing piece of sunshine that i used to be.
After the summer i moved to Umeå to start my new life as a student in a new city, it's one of the best things I've done in my life.
New surroundings, new friends and living on my own.

After living there for about a month I start thinking to myself and realize I am more myself than I have been since I was a child, before school broke me down, before people broke me down before life kept kicking me in the face.
I feel genuinely positive about life and my bold, smiling and strong personality that I was born with had come back to me and no one was trying to break me down, people accepted me the way I was instead of trying to force me to be like them or less.

I start breaking down the few walls and obstacles i had left since Tony passed away, i wasn't afraid to be in a room full of people i did not know, not afraid to go for what I want, speak my mind and most importantly not be afraid of people in general.
I used to barely not be able to sit in a waiting room with more than 1 person besides myself.  


So what do I want out of 2014?
I want to be even better.
My resolution will be to open up more and not be afraid to show emotions and say how I really feel about things.
It will be hard to beat 2013 if you think about how much it has changed me and my life for the better but I am hoping 2014 will follow the same path.

I wish my reflection was the core of me

Sometimes i wish i could look into my mirror and ask questions to myself, and get a response from my reflection.
I wish my reflection was the core of me, the one who knew exactly what i was feeling and what i want to know but can not figure out.

I used to be so sure of myself, so sure about everything that i wanted and what i felt.
Remember when you were 5 years old?

Didn't you know exactly what you wanted for your birthday and how you felt about everyone around you?
Didn't you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?

Then what happened?

Life happened.

With every bad encounter in your life you start doubting things that you know, things that you know about yourself.

So wouldn't it be great if you could actually talk to who you are deep within without all the noise?

Proud

I have been thinking a while about making a blog entry like this but I've been feeling a bit ashamed actually about showing pictures from when i was bigger, just like i thought about deleting them from my facebook so many times. But i keep coming back to the thought that the past is the past and that you should look forward and not backwards. Everything i have done in my past has led me to where i am at now. I shouldn't be ashamed of how i looked then but i am very proud of how far i have gotten since then.
I am not saying there is anything wrong with being of a larger size as long as you are healthy and happy but i used to be an athlete when i was younger.

So for a long time i hated my body since i started gaining weight a few years ago. Eventually as I've mentioned in this blog i decided to do something about it. I am now down to 70 kg's and so proud of it, i feel happy and comfortable in my own skin again. All that's left to do is get back in shape as well.

So here is the picture of the Present and the Past that i have wanted to show for some time.

Honesty

I always tell people the thing i respect the most is honesty, i think i got this from my mum.
No matter what you've done it is a thousand times better to tell her the truth than to lie about it because usually when you lie to someone..they find out! And if i were to lie to my mum about something because i don't want her to get mad or sad and she found out.. the lie hurt her more than the truth would have.

So like my mum i respect people who are honest with me.
To me honesty is when you tell someone the truth, and no you are not honest by hiding the truth either.
Lying is the opposite of honesty but honesty is also telling people what you think.
Not telling your friend for example that a certain dress looks horrible on her is not helping, just be honest and say your opinion about it. Most of my friends love that about me and find it refreshing and they know if they don't want the truth then they shouldn't ask me about it either.

I don't know how much i stress to people that i just want them to be honest with me.
If you think something about me then just tell me and if it's something bad then it can be worked out.
I will give you the same respect, i will always tell people what i think and why i think so.
Now I'm not saying that you should go around and insult people, that's not nice.
But be true to the people you care about.

I realize there are several people who think i might be aiming this blog post towards them but it is not meant to be a personal attack against anyone, it's just something i want to get off my chest.

I wish everyone could be more honest with each other, there would be so much less misunderstandings and hate going around.

I'm not perfect when it comes to this because i do tend to hide my emotions but whenever someone asks me about it i will be an open book and just say whatever I'm feeling or thinking about, i will most likely have a emotionless face or a smile when i say it though to not feel too exposed.

If you've ever seen me cry (and not because i have gotten physically hurt) you know you are one of the few people i trust enough to not hide what i am actually feeling and i love you < 3

To the rest of you i love you too!

Getting better

I am finally starting to get better from my cold, although my cough is still bothering me while i am asleep.
I will wake up because i am coughing about 2 times.. takes forever to make it stop as well.

But i am finally starting to be able to function normal during the day and so i am going back to my routines again. I have been neglecting a few important things while i have been sick, such as my schoolwork, eating, cleaning and socializing. All of which i find quite important, some more than others but all very important.

So today i started doing some of my schoolwork but lost all my inspiration as i was about to start the major part of my assignment.. well i have till Wednesday to finish it so i am not stressing (yet).

I also cooked today, nothing special but i haven't actually cooked anything since last Monday, yeah horrible i know.
I have been eating terribly bad these last 2 weeks, first of all because i had no appetite and then because i didn't have any energy to actually cook something and also i didn't feel like standing in my dorm kitchen looking all gross (yes i am quite vain) and cough all over the place.

So tomorrow i will hopefully have some more inspiration so i can start doing my assignment and then i will also start cleaning my apartment because at the moment it's way too messy for my liking, although it does look clean compared to other homes i am sure.


So.. what have i done instead of my schoolwork then you might ask?
I have watched all of my Friday shows and naruto, listened to music and played Mario kart Double dash on my Gamecube i have also watched a whole lot of videos on YouTube.

I think when i have recovered from this cold in hopefully a few days and if i have done all my schoolwork i will start a project that i have been neglecting for a long time for various reasons, hopefully this time i will get around to do it.

Here's a song i have listened to today.
It is now quite old but i still love it!

Miyavi - Jibun Kakumei

Sick

Started to get a tickle in my throat on Monday and on Tuesday i was officially sick in my opinion (i couldn't speak), now i have a terrible cough and i just want it to go away..

I'm starting to doubt that i will be well enough tomorrow to go to Love & Lust at Five, that really sucks.
Been looking forward to this event and even bought a ticket but at the moment it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to make it..

I have been coughing all night, up until the point that i can't catch my breath.

It's not so much that i feel tired though just that i can not go without coughing for 5 minutes.
Hopefully i'll be feeling a bit better tomorrow though so i can at least try to go, i mean i can always go home if i don't feel well.

It would really suck if i miss it since it seems like it's going to be a blast.

A year ago i didn't like to go out and to parties because it wasn't fun for me but now i am pretty much out every weekend, having a blast.

It feels right and i am having a lot of fun but it's not making my schoolwork suffer either, i guess later on i might have to slow down if we get more to do in school.. Only thing making my schoolwork suffer at the moment is this stupid cold, can't really sit in the classroom and cough all the time while the teacher is trying to have a lecture, hopefully i haven't missed anything really important..

So now i have to get myself together so i can go and get some cough syrup.