In the head of a creature called "Tezzi"

I miss him everyday, some days more than others.
Today i think about him alot, no perticular reason like an anniversary or anything..i just miss him alot.
It's hard to go on when a person you love so much passes away. There are things that makes it harder to live your life.
It's not the same for everyone. For me i get anxiety and panic attacks, sometimes for no reason other than a thought that i had for a split second. I feel panic when there are alot of people around me, especially if i don't know them. It's like being claustrophobic..the room feels like it's getting smaller and it feels like the people are getting closer and i feel like the air is becoming unbreathable.
I don't want people to see when im not feeling well so i pretend to be fine.
I try to do things that are normal for me but some of them are alot harder because of this than they should be for a "normal" person.
Like going to a party, i propably look like im having alot of fun and people are too busy to notice that im not myself. Parties aren't fun for me.. i may laugh at a joke caus it's funny but after taht i go back to being empty.. that's how i feel 80% of the time im at a party.. empty.
Worst thing is when people ask me what i do.. i don't like lying so i say im unemployed or that iäve been on sick leave. Ofcourse the follow up questions come and i wish they didn't. I don't wanna ruin anyone elses fun by telling them how my life is like right now.
If i've said im unemployed they ask what i've been doing before that and then i tell them iv'e been on sick leave and then they ask why.. It's so ackward everytime.. i even try to just slip it by by saying depression but then they ask why to that aswell.. and then they wish they hadn't.
I can understand that you don't want to hear from the person you are trying to be social with that they are depressed because their boyfriend died 2.5 months ago from cancer.. If that isn't a buzz kill i dunno what is.
The only thing i still find fun with partying is going out and dance.. unless there is too many people.
When you dance you only have to listen to the music and move to it. No one asks you questions they are just all doing the same thing, dancing.

Alot of the time i fell like a shell of a person because very few things makes me feel happy. And i leave feeling sad at home so when im out with people im just nothing on the inside when im not happy.
I really wish people could just understand me by looking at me so that they wouldn't ask me certain things and just know what would be appropriate to say.

I still also wish people wouldn't whine so much about their lives when in my opinion they have so much to be thankfull for.
Those who truly struggles with something hard everyday like me, we don't post everything on facebook or use every chanse we get to tell someone about it.
We keep most of it to ourselfes because you don't need to know all the things that we think about everyday. We want YOU to have a good day, therefore we leave our stuff out of your mind and sight so you don't have to think about it or try to come up with something encouraging to say to us to try make us feel better.. Please just keep most of the whining to yourselfes like we do.. no one likes someone who constantly need attention because of every little negative thing in your life.