Been to the doctor today and got my note saying im sick so i can relax for 3 weeks without any pressure.
I also got some sleepingpills that i have to take for 2 weeks and a remittance to a psychologist.
I always had a hard time going to sleep and now it's been even worse.. When i was with Tony i could fall asleep within 10 minuits which is rare for me.
It's when i go to sleep that i feel the saddest, not talking to him before i go to bed and say goodnight is something i miss alot. So when i go to bed is when i think about him the most.
Last night i slept maybe 5 hours because im always a bit extra worried when i have to go to the hospital and see a doctor, even if i trust the doctor i went to today.
It feels good to have gotten this done now so i can relax for 3 weeks and get a professional to talk to about what im going through and how im feeling.
You are strong when you can break down and still be able to get up and keep going.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tony...
I can still remember how your back felt on my cheek when i held you in bed.
I can still remember how your lips felt against mine when we kissed.
And i can also remember how it felt to hold your hand... How my hand looked like the smallest in the world in your big hands and how i couldn't curl my fingers around your hand because they were too short to reach around.
I know you never meant to leave me because you loved me like no one else has.
So i can't hate you for leaving me but i hate that you got taken from me.
I will always love you and you'll always be in my heart.
You always made me feel so beautifull and that i was perfect just the way i am.
With you i felt safe and happy... and loved.
Doing things without you and knowing i have to do that for the rest of my life is not easy..
In time it will get easier but i will always wish that you could be with me, right next to me.
I miss you so much...
-Rocket
I can still remember how your lips felt against mine when we kissed.
And i can also remember how it felt to hold your hand... How my hand looked like the smallest in the world in your big hands and how i couldn't curl my fingers around your hand because they were too short to reach around.
I know you never meant to leave me because you loved me like no one else has.
So i can't hate you for leaving me but i hate that you got taken from me.
I will always love you and you'll always be in my heart.
You always made me feel so beautifull and that i was perfect just the way i am.
With you i felt safe and happy... and loved.
Doing things without you and knowing i have to do that for the rest of my life is not easy..
In time it will get easier but i will always wish that you could be with me, right next to me.
I miss you so much...
-Rocket
Heavy mind
After loosing my boyfriend to cancer i have good days and bad days...
Today is a bad day..
I came home from Slovenia last night after i've been there since friday for his funeral.
I can say that their funeral was alot better than the ones we have in sweden.
Here you just go to the church and then afterwords you have some coffee and then you go home.
In slovenia we first was in the church and had the funeral ceremony that i assume is typical for catholics..In sweden we are protestants so it's a bit different. Afterwards we went to Tonys house to spread the ashes in their garden.. They put up a round fence in which they would spread the ashes.. There was a woman who had a speach were she talked about Tony and his family, his best friend and me.. Im not sure exactly what she said yet because it was in slovene but one of Tonys cousins is gonna translate it for me, i appreciate that very much. They spread the ashes inside the metal fence that had the letters R.T on it and then we all got to spread some white rose petals on the memorial to say goodbye to him. It was beautifull... during this ceremony we all supported eachother because it is very hard to say goodbye to someone so young.. and for me the person i love so much.
Afterwards i walked past it and said "Jag älskar dig" because that was the only thing going through my mind.. It was also what i always told him on the phone before he went into a coma.. That i loved him so, so much.
After we had dinner and wine and shared our memories and supported eachother.. i Stayed till midnight and then Tonys mom drove me and Marre to our hotel.
It felt good when i was in Slovenia, surrounded by his family and friends, it made me feel closer to him.
So today im having a bad day and i feel that my mind is very heavy today and im thinking about him alot and i miss him..
I will always miss him and love him but someday i know it's gonna get easier.
I decided to change this blog into something else so i can share how im feeling and my thoughts because i think it will be good for me, good for processing my grief in a healthy way.
Don't feel like writing more now so i'll stop until i feel like putting up something more.
My favourite song at the moment:
River - LIGHTS
Out across cities I see buildings turn into piles
and watch the world in wonder, as mountains turn into tiles,
And trees loosing their leaves and their faces becoming tired,
I wish I could discover something that doesn't expire,
Come stumble me.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
Such are the things that make a kingdom rumble and shatter,
The same dynamic that another day would never matter,
It really just depends on who's giving and who's receiving,
And things that don't make sense are always a little deceiving,
Come and humble me.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
I wanna go where you're going
a follower, following,
Changing, but never changed,
Claiming, but never claimed.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown.
put me in the undertow
Today is a bad day..
I came home from Slovenia last night after i've been there since friday for his funeral.
I can say that their funeral was alot better than the ones we have in sweden.
Here you just go to the church and then afterwords you have some coffee and then you go home.
In slovenia we first was in the church and had the funeral ceremony that i assume is typical for catholics..In sweden we are protestants so it's a bit different. Afterwards we went to Tonys house to spread the ashes in their garden.. They put up a round fence in which they would spread the ashes.. There was a woman who had a speach were she talked about Tony and his family, his best friend and me.. Im not sure exactly what she said yet because it was in slovene but one of Tonys cousins is gonna translate it for me, i appreciate that very much. They spread the ashes inside the metal fence that had the letters R.T on it and then we all got to spread some white rose petals on the memorial to say goodbye to him. It was beautifull... during this ceremony we all supported eachother because it is very hard to say goodbye to someone so young.. and for me the person i love so much.
Afterwards i walked past it and said "Jag älskar dig" because that was the only thing going through my mind.. It was also what i always told him on the phone before he went into a coma.. That i loved him so, so much.
After we had dinner and wine and shared our memories and supported eachother.. i Stayed till midnight and then Tonys mom drove me and Marre to our hotel.
It felt good when i was in Slovenia, surrounded by his family and friends, it made me feel closer to him.
So today im having a bad day and i feel that my mind is very heavy today and im thinking about him alot and i miss him..
I will always miss him and love him but someday i know it's gonna get easier.
I decided to change this blog into something else so i can share how im feeling and my thoughts because i think it will be good for me, good for processing my grief in a healthy way.
Don't feel like writing more now so i'll stop until i feel like putting up something more.
My favourite song at the moment:
River - LIGHTS
Out across cities I see buildings turn into piles
and watch the world in wonder, as mountains turn into tiles,
And trees loosing their leaves and their faces becoming tired,
I wish I could discover something that doesn't expire,
Come stumble me.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
Such are the things that make a kingdom rumble and shatter,
The same dynamic that another day would never matter,
It really just depends on who's giving and who's receiving,
And things that don't make sense are always a little deceiving,
Come and humble me.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
I wanna go where you're going
a follower, following,
Changing, but never changed,
Claiming, but never claimed.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown.
put me in the undertow
Friday, August 3, 2012
Stronger..
Yes long time no writing.. AGAIN!
Im terrible at blogging.. i only do it when i feel like it so therefore sometimes im simply busy having a life instead:P
Been in slovenia with my boyfriend for about 5 weeks and i came home about a week ago so lots have been going on. I love him so much and i can't wait to see him again.
I started blogging now because i simply felt like it. I was bored and was jumping around on youtube and searching things until i eventually land on something that i want to watch or something that like now got me thinking.
I stumbled upon a Britney Spears song i listened to as a kid.
Funny enough a few years ago i would never admit to alot of people if i liked a britney song simply because i cared what people thought of me based on my music taste.. WHO CARES?!
Today i don't care, i can like whatever i want and it doesen't change who i am as a person. I also don't judge other people based on what type of music they like. Sure sometimes i don't understand why they like it but everyone has different tastes so i accept it.
So yes about this song, it got me thinking.
I was thinking what does this song mean to me?
I mean i undertsand that this song is propobly about a relationship between a couple.
But when i started thinking and wondering why i felt connected to it as a kid i suddenly realised why.
It was during the years when i was bullied and this was around the time when i was turning towards not blaming myself for being alone. I was blaming them for treating me bad and that i didn't deserve it.
And now when i listen to this song i realise i have really gotten from point A to B and i am stronger.
Sure nobody likes to be lonely but i am happy with myself. I don't really care what people think of me, if they don't like me it's their problem and if someone doesen't want to be my friend itäs really their loss.
"Hush, just stop
There's nothing you can do or say, baby
I've had enough
I'm not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I'm Stronger, than yesterday
Now it's nothing but my way
My loneliness ain't killing me no more"
Through my life when i've been treated bad by people i have always gotten up and gotten stronger everytime.
And today i can be happy on my own, i don't need someone else to make me happy. I make my own happiness.
And i think that's something to admire.. That today i am secure in my own skin and i am not affected by what someone might say about me or have said about me in the past.
I am stronger.
Im terrible at blogging.. i only do it when i feel like it so therefore sometimes im simply busy having a life instead:P
Been in slovenia with my boyfriend for about 5 weeks and i came home about a week ago so lots have been going on. I love him so much and i can't wait to see him again.
I started blogging now because i simply felt like it. I was bored and was jumping around on youtube and searching things until i eventually land on something that i want to watch or something that like now got me thinking.
I stumbled upon a Britney Spears song i listened to as a kid.
Funny enough a few years ago i would never admit to alot of people if i liked a britney song simply because i cared what people thought of me based on my music taste.. WHO CARES?!
Today i don't care, i can like whatever i want and it doesen't change who i am as a person. I also don't judge other people based on what type of music they like. Sure sometimes i don't understand why they like it but everyone has different tastes so i accept it.
So yes about this song, it got me thinking.
I was thinking what does this song mean to me?
I mean i undertsand that this song is propobly about a relationship between a couple.
But when i started thinking and wondering why i felt connected to it as a kid i suddenly realised why.
It was during the years when i was bullied and this was around the time when i was turning towards not blaming myself for being alone. I was blaming them for treating me bad and that i didn't deserve it.
And now when i listen to this song i realise i have really gotten from point A to B and i am stronger.
Sure nobody likes to be lonely but i am happy with myself. I don't really care what people think of me, if they don't like me it's their problem and if someone doesen't want to be my friend itäs really their loss.
"Hush, just stop
There's nothing you can do or say, baby
I've had enough
I'm not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I'm Stronger, than yesterday
Now it's nothing but my way
My loneliness ain't killing me no more"
Through my life when i've been treated bad by people i have always gotten up and gotten stronger everytime.
And today i can be happy on my own, i don't need someone else to make me happy. I make my own happiness.
And i think that's something to admire.. That today i am secure in my own skin and i am not affected by what someone might say about me or have said about me in the past.
I am stronger.
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