Heavy mind

After loosing my boyfriend to cancer i have good days and bad days...
Today is a bad day..
I came home from Slovenia last night after i've been there since friday for his funeral.
I can say that their funeral was alot better than the ones we have in sweden.
Here you just go to the church and then afterwords you have some coffee and then you go home.
In slovenia we first was in the church and had the funeral ceremony that i assume is typical for catholics..In sweden we are protestants so it's a bit different. Afterwards we went to Tonys house to spread the ashes in their garden.. They put up a round fence in which they would spread the ashes.. There was a woman who had a speach were she talked about Tony and his family, his best friend and me.. Im not sure exactly what she said yet because it was in slovene but one of Tonys cousins is gonna translate it for me, i appreciate that very much. They spread the ashes inside the metal fence that had the letters R.T on it and then we all got to spread some white rose petals on the memorial to say goodbye to him. It was beautifull... during this ceremony we all supported eachother because it is very hard to say goodbye to someone so young.. and for me the person i love so much.
Afterwards i walked past it and said "Jag älskar dig" because that was the only thing going through my mind.. It was also what i always told him on the phone before he went into a coma.. That i loved him so, so much.

After we had dinner and wine and shared our memories and supported eachother.. i Stayed till midnight and then Tonys mom drove me and Marre to our hotel.

It felt good when i was in Slovenia, surrounded by his family and friends, it made me feel closer to him.
So today im having a bad day and i feel that my mind is very heavy today and im thinking about him alot and i miss him..
I will always miss him and love him but someday i know it's gonna get easier.


I decided to change this blog into something else so i can share how im feeling and my thoughts because i think it will be good for me, good for processing my grief in a healthy way.

Don't feel like writing more now so i'll stop until i feel like putting up something more.

My favourite song at the moment:
River - LIGHTS

Out across cities I see buildings turn into piles
and watch the world in wonder, as mountains turn into tiles,
And trees loosing their leaves and their faces becoming tired,
I wish I could discover something that doesn't expire,
Come stumble me.

Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.

Such are the things that make a kingdom rumble and shatter,
The same dynamic that another day would never matter,
It really just depends on who's giving and who's receiving,
And things that don't make sense are always a little deceiving,
Come and humble me.

Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.

I wanna go where you're going
a follower, following,
Changing, but never changed,
Claiming, but never claimed.

Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.

Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown.
put me in the undertow