Elementary school really sucked for me..

Most of the times when i am out walking by myself i think about a lot of things.

On my way back from the store just now i started thinking about my old school.

My best friend's daughter is 6 years old now and has started something that i would translate to play-school, a school you go to before you start actual school at age 7.

When i think about when i started going to school i don't feel happy. 

I am hoping that she is very happy in school and has lots of friends and that everyone is nice to each other.

I was bullied from the first day of play-school... The nickname i hated and that followed me from age 6 to about age 12 was so wittily thought up on my very first day... It was a word that started with the same letter as my last name. My last name is Finnish so it sounded strange to the other kids so a boy thought it was hilarious to give me a nickname.

It started with that and then it just developed and got worse and worse. I had no friends, had no voice and i was more bullied than the kid who would pick his nose and put his hand down his pants in class.. At some point it was decided that i was gross and that you couldn't sit in a seat where i had been sitting.

I don't remember very much from school because my mind has blocked all of those bad memories out, but some has stuck with me. I remember the time the guys was teasing me and calling me a pig, which still to this day i do not see any reason for at all seeing as i do not have an up turned "piggy looking" nose, i was a very skinny girl (one of the smallest in class actually) and not smelling bad or anything like that. When they were calling me piggy and making pig noises at me i shouted at them to stop, like a normal person would when being attacked. I yelled at them to "Stop!" and my teacher answers by telling me to keep my voice down... This is when i lost faith in my teacher, because it was so unfair, and i never stood up for myself again, since i was the one apparently who was going to be in trouble and not the person making me scream.

Another time was when a guy was picking on me, i don't remember all the details but i remember running away from him through the hallways and i close a door behind me and his foot got stuck under it and he got pretty hurt.. He was chasing me, tormenting me and he got hurt. What happened next? All my classmates blamed me and treated me like a villain, eventhough everyone knew he was a troublemaker and that he was chasing me when this happened. 

I was in this class from age 6 to 12, suffering worst part of the bullying with them during the earlier years. Not that they stopped later on, it just stopped being as intense as it was when i was 6-9 years old.

In middle school (högstadiet) everyone got new classes with a mix from people in their old class and people from other classes and other schools. I was assigned to a class where i funny enough had no actual friends? I don't know how that happened since we got to write a list of people we wanted to be in the same class as in order of priority.. i got put in the same class as the last person on my list and we were not friends, i just thought he was alright. 

To keep this story i'm about to get into a bit shorter i will not give all the details but i then met some girls in another class who had went to another school than me before and we became friends and i asked to be transferred to their class instead. 

After some time one of the girls wanted to shut the other one out and so we did (yeah awefull i know), we phased her out of our group. This girl changed so much and was treating me worse and worse also, but she was my only friend. Then later on this girl from my old class (who is a bit crazy also btw) asked me about her and i said something about her not being nice and then she went and told her about it. My "friend" confronted me about it, basically asking me if i had called her a bitch. I was honest but she wouldn't really listen to what i had to say and decided to hate me with a burning passion from that day on. She would send me notes with threats on them in class, flip me off in the hallway and wrote profanities on my locker.

I was met with a lot of "girl hate" all through middle school, which i am sure a lot of other girls can relate to aswell because teenage girls are horrible to each other. 

I did, however, start to stand up for myself more during middle school. One time one of the girls who was very popular in my old class came up to me and told me she was doing her internship at my boyfriend's job (he was 5 years older than me). She told me i shouldn't worry about her stealing him from me... I quickly responded that i wasn't worried about it. Her friend then got angry and asked me if i didn't think she was hot and i just said, i just don't think he wants you.

I bet if i hadn't been the athlete i was she would have wanted to kick my ass at that moment, but if she did she knew she would be the one ending up hurt as she would be no match for me so she just huffed and puffed and stormed off. 

That moment felt great. Not letting her scare me anymore and standing up for myself.

That is some of my bully history in school, i don't remember much as i said but i was bullied from age 6 to the year i was turning 16.. 10 years of bullying.

I know other kids go through similar things, but i still hope that the kids at my friends daughter's school treat eachother with kindness and respect and that they have teachers who work actively against bullying.

Mental health and relationships

Figured if i start writing more regularly i will not find myself so overwhelmed everytime..

There is something scary about people finding my blog and reading it but if i din't want to share, why would i post things?

I have decided to start making youtube vids again but i need to purchase a new editing program first and that is just not in the budget for this month.

I am going to put myself out there and fight my fears like i used to.. i miss 2013 Tezzi, she was so brave. I want to have parts of her with me again and if i wasn't that then i have to strive towards that.

I am glad that i have gotten a better perspective of who deserves the time i spend on them and proud of how far i have come in building real and healthy friendships.

My biggest goal right now apart from managing my studies is to get an appointment with a psychologist.. proves harder for me than i thought since they always want you to call these day, why do they even have a message service if you can't use it? I will fix this by actually going to the health care center and ask them in person for an appointment.. i wish phone calls didn't cause so much anxiety for me but they do and combined with my fear for hospitals and doctors it's even worse.

So biggest goal for the future is getting myself an appointment so i can start talking to a professional again because that is something i need on and off and frankly it would be a relief to stop analyzing things i do etc all by myself.
I am much better than i was a year ago but there are some days that i just exhaust myself and it makes me not being able to sleep and stuff because i'm overthinking very small problems in my life...

It's so strange in some ways that i'm doing so much better considering all the changes that has happened but i suppose they pushed me forward in life somehow. China as a total experience with everything that happened i think shocked me back to a more neutral zone again or something?

My breakup after a relationship going on for over 3 years is something that fascinates me a lot as well, especially considering how other people react on my reaction towards it. Not talking about how it all went down but the fact that i am totally fine. I haven't talked to many people about what happened because frankly it does not matter. My classmates ask me about how i am doing and i am just like " Umm it happened in June so it was a long time ago". Apparently people think a few month is not a long time but for me, i am totally fine. I mean yeah okay i am a person who has no problem with being on her own but at the same time hates being single. All the confusion that comes with it and all the people who sees you as available, because you are. It's just a bit much sometimes for my prone-to-overthink mind and i have to check myself quite a lot. But not being in that particular relationship anymore is not something that i feel very sad about.

All my life experiences turn me into the person i am and i always commit to my partner 100% so i have no regrets in the end. I know that it can be difficult to be one of the people i feel closest to sometimes (like when i am going through a depression), but i keep growing and learning how to handle my depression with other people and everything that goes down involving that is not just my fault. Sure it is up to me to draw the line and not allowing my partner for example to be an enabler, not letting them be my only source to making me feel better.

I have learnt this through 2 of my relationships. I learnt at least two things and that is that it is not my fault that the depression comes in between the relationship and that it is up to me to not, as i said, let them enable it. When you love someone you want to support them, it's natural and it is also a natural reaction to want to be taken care of.

The longest relationship i had taught me these 2 lessons BUT, my latest relationship made me apply the natural reaction, i tried to set a boundary in the beginning but since i was told it was okay, i allowed it. We let it be a part of the relationship and in the long run it made my depression worse because i put my mental health in someone else's hands. If that someone was my psychologist then it would be totally fine but it is not healthy for that to be your partner, it was bad for me and it was bad for our relationship.

You live and you learn, it is up to me to set that boundary and to keep it. It is only up to my partner to love me on my good and  my bad days but not be the fix to my problem.

Too personal?

Haven't written here in a VERY long time.
Well i haven't published anything in a long time but the truth is, when i am done with a blog post it feels too personal for everyone to read so i never publish them...

I still feel that way but i have learnt about myself that i need to share my thoughts and feeling more and be less scared of it being too personal because how are people supposed to get to know me otherwise?

So here i am, let's start over from a new page since i haven't written anything since 2014.

How are you?
Well it goes up and down. I know i have so many things to be thankful for and i appreciate all of it but being a person with mental illness there are these minor things that just break me down and sometimes major things too... To be honest this day started good but during the evening i have felt myself slowly sinking into that dark place that i hate.

What would you say cause you to go to this dark place most of the time?
Well it is mostly in my head, i know. But essentially it's people. All kinds of relationships can stress me out because of my past with the bullying, loosing one of my "best friend" (who pretty much broke up with me), gotten my heart broken a few times and of course my friend dying in a car accident, which lead to my first depression and then the death of my boyfriend Tony, which caused me to have my first panic attack and getting full-blown social anxiety.

For anyone new to my blog, that is a short briefing on my past, if you are curious (as people often are) you can read about some of it in older blog posts.

So my past has led me to having relationship problems. I am constantly scared of new friends leaving me, overall letting people in because once i do they can really hurt me by leaving, i worry about people forgetting me, i worry about why i am not invited to things. Pretty much i constantly feel different kinds of social pressure and in time this causes me to fall back to depression if it stresses me out too much.
For example i have about 85 people in my Social Work class and i feel pressure for all of them to like me, which, as you can imagine, is exhausting. And people showing interest in me on and off  really stresses me out, which is something that happens with so many people in one class. It's no ones fault really, i have to learn that i can't be friends with everyone. I have to learn to cherish the people who actually show interest in spending time with me instead of focusing on all the people who don't really talk to me after class. Some people can handle this but i can't, so i have to give myself a reality check sometimes on what is important.

I tell people i love my class and i really do, i love each and every one of them. They are all so great in their own ways and yeah i wish i could be friends with everyone. I love them all because it is really in so many ways the best class i have been in because everyone is so accepting of each other. And at the same time it causes me so much stress because i love all of them, because i can't be friends with everyone. When i say friends i mean things that involve spending time with each other outside of school and sharing your hopes and dreams and also your troubles.

Only few people knew how i was doing last semester, which was not really well because of these things, sadly none of these people are in my class... I told none of my classmates how i felt, because it's not their fault i can't handle it.

Yeah starting to feel like it's getting too personal again so let's just leave that at that...

However, i am getting better at dealing with these social issues i'm having and trying to focus on what makes me feel good and makes me happy.

How are you feeling now?
I am feeling a bit better getting some things off my chest and doing so in writing makes things easier for me and i should really start blogging like i used to again.

I will be writing again either tonight already or perhaps in a few days, hopefully ^^

One of the songs i listen to when i am doubting myself

This thing about makeup..

Hai there!

I should be studying right now but i decided to write a little blog entry before i start.

I wanted to put this in my blog simply because i thought it would be a silly post on Facebook, on Facebook people have to read my posts but in my blog it is their choice to come here and read it..

So as a person with a lot of interest in makeup but no where near professional i try to find the perfect product for me and am constantly on the hunt for the perfect mascara and the perfect foundation.

Mascara is not so bad, if it doesn't fit my lashes "chemistry" it's not a disaster unless i would be allergic to the formula of course.
With foundation this is a whoooole another dilemma.
I can never find the right shade for my face.. i found one that works at nighttime for going out but in daylight it looks too orange on me.
If i want some coverage in the daytime i can only use a bit of concealer in my trouble areas.
I am a pretty pale person and i don't really get tanned if i'm out in the sun. My skin can look a little flushed above and between my eyebrows, on my chin and on and around my nose and to top it of of course i get that blueish shade under my eyes easily because of the skin being so light and the blood vessels and such shines through.
The concealer i have works for this problem during the daytime but if i'd get the same shade in a foundation it would make me look too pink if i had it all over my face.

The problem i have is that the tone never matches my neck and chest and as a makeup fanatics knows, if it doesn't match your neckline it is really going to stand out. I see people make this mistake all the time, they put on a foundation or powder on their face and sure they do drag it down their neck to blend it but the chin is going to show against your chest and if they aren't the same shade it is really going to show.

I am curious about trying E.L.F's products but they are only online and therefore i can not try it before i buy it which is a shame.
If i go to Stockholm any time soon i want to go to a makeup store there and try on some MAC products to see if maybe they have a shade for me.

I don't understand why it is so hard for a fair skinned person in Sweden to find a shade for my skin, i mean aren't we supposed to be pretty pale?


These are the ones im using at the moment:

Maybelline Fit me:15

Makeupstore liquid foundation:
Milk(the lightest)

Johannes

Started thinking about Johannes, being far away from a lot of things that would remind me of him has made me think of him less I've realized.
I will never forget him or his spirit.
I can't believe it is going to be 6 years since he passed away in about a month.
When i think of him i think about the purest spirit you can imagine. So happy and so caring for other people, it still doesn't make sense to me but i have come to terms with the fact that he is gone.
I wish i could've had more time to get to know him because from what i saw he was an amazing person.
I think about him everytime i see a biker style leather jacket.
Don't know what more to say except that i miss him, just felt like writing it down.

Last thing

Strange how i can go from one moment thinking about nothing in particular and then i suddenly start to think about Tony.
Well i do think about him alot ofcourse but not about anything in particular, i started thinking about the last few times that i spoke to him.. I can still only remember his voice saying one thing though and i'm sad that it was not I love you..i know he told me he loved me aswell but i can't remember his voice saying it. The last thing i remember him telling me was "I'm sick."
Terrible last thing to remember the person you love saying. I do remember him saying lots of other things to me during the time we were together so it's not like it's the only thing i remember his voice saying.
I mean you can remember whole conversations and such but actually remember the voice saying it is not as easy.

I try to think about him being sick as little as possible because there is no point in dwelling on it but it sneaks up on me now and then.

I miss him but i don't feel the need to cry anymore, it just is the way it is and tears won't change it.
I take comfort in thinking about how happy he would be seeing me being happy and smiling and having a life.
He wouldn't want me to be sad and have his tragedy holding me back in life, he would want me to move on and make as much out of life as i can.
I will always love him but my heart is big enough to make room for someone else in it too, i don't have to feel like i'm abandoning him if i choose to let someone else in aswell.

A new year

So it is now officially 2014.
Closing in on new years eve I thought back on this year and realized so many positive things has happened this year.
And then I thought about 2012 and what I said about that year.. It was both amazing and horrible, starting out great to end in grief, anxiety and depression.
By the time 2013 came I was starting to slowly come back to my old self but I still had a long way to go but i was finally ready to take charge of my life again.
I got an intern-ship at Anybody and stayed there till June and after that I got to work full-time over the summer, during my intern-ship i applied for University's all over the country and got accepted to Umeå University to study language. During this time I was at Anybody i started to find my social confidence again and actually becoming this positive, outgoing piece of sunshine that i used to be.
After the summer i moved to Umeå to start my new life as a student in a new city, it's one of the best things I've done in my life.
New surroundings, new friends and living on my own.

After living there for about a month I start thinking to myself and realize I am more myself than I have been since I was a child, before school broke me down, before people broke me down before life kept kicking me in the face.
I feel genuinely positive about life and my bold, smiling and strong personality that I was born with had come back to me and no one was trying to break me down, people accepted me the way I was instead of trying to force me to be like them or less.

I start breaking down the few walls and obstacles i had left since Tony passed away, i wasn't afraid to be in a room full of people i did not know, not afraid to go for what I want, speak my mind and most importantly not be afraid of people in general.
I used to barely not be able to sit in a waiting room with more than 1 person besides myself.  


So what do I want out of 2014?
I want to be even better.
My resolution will be to open up more and not be afraid to show emotions and say how I really feel about things.
It will be hard to beat 2013 if you think about how much it has changed me and my life for the better but I am hoping 2014 will follow the same path.

I wish my reflection was the core of me

Sometimes i wish i could look into my mirror and ask questions to myself, and get a response from my reflection.
I wish my reflection was the core of me, the one who knew exactly what i was feeling and what i want to know but can not figure out.

I used to be so sure of myself, so sure about everything that i wanted and what i felt.
Remember when you were 5 years old?

Didn't you know exactly what you wanted for your birthday and how you felt about everyone around you?
Didn't you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?

Then what happened?

Life happened.

With every bad encounter in your life you start doubting things that you know, things that you know about yourself.

So wouldn't it be great if you could actually talk to who you are deep within without all the noise?

Proud

I have been thinking a while about making a blog entry like this but I've been feeling a bit ashamed actually about showing pictures from when i was bigger, just like i thought about deleting them from my facebook so many times. But i keep coming back to the thought that the past is the past and that you should look forward and not backwards. Everything i have done in my past has led me to where i am at now. I shouldn't be ashamed of how i looked then but i am very proud of how far i have gotten since then.
I am not saying there is anything wrong with being of a larger size as long as you are healthy and happy but i used to be an athlete when i was younger.

So for a long time i hated my body since i started gaining weight a few years ago. Eventually as I've mentioned in this blog i decided to do something about it. I am now down to 70 kg's and so proud of it, i feel happy and comfortable in my own skin again. All that's left to do is get back in shape as well.

So here is the picture of the Present and the Past that i have wanted to show for some time.

Honesty

I always tell people the thing i respect the most is honesty, i think i got this from my mum.
No matter what you've done it is a thousand times better to tell her the truth than to lie about it because usually when you lie to someone..they find out! And if i were to lie to my mum about something because i don't want her to get mad or sad and she found out.. the lie hurt her more than the truth would have.

So like my mum i respect people who are honest with me.
To me honesty is when you tell someone the truth, and no you are not honest by hiding the truth either.
Lying is the opposite of honesty but honesty is also telling people what you think.
Not telling your friend for example that a certain dress looks horrible on her is not helping, just be honest and say your opinion about it. Most of my friends love that about me and find it refreshing and they know if they don't want the truth then they shouldn't ask me about it either.

I don't know how much i stress to people that i just want them to be honest with me.
If you think something about me then just tell me and if it's something bad then it can be worked out.
I will give you the same respect, i will always tell people what i think and why i think so.
Now I'm not saying that you should go around and insult people, that's not nice.
But be true to the people you care about.

I realize there are several people who think i might be aiming this blog post towards them but it is not meant to be a personal attack against anyone, it's just something i want to get off my chest.

I wish everyone could be more honest with each other, there would be so much less misunderstandings and hate going around.

I'm not perfect when it comes to this because i do tend to hide my emotions but whenever someone asks me about it i will be an open book and just say whatever I'm feeling or thinking about, i will most likely have a emotionless face or a smile when i say it though to not feel too exposed.

If you've ever seen me cry (and not because i have gotten physically hurt) you know you are one of the few people i trust enough to not hide what i am actually feeling and i love you < 3

To the rest of you i love you too!

Getting better

I am finally starting to get better from my cold, although my cough is still bothering me while i am asleep.
I will wake up because i am coughing about 2 times.. takes forever to make it stop as well.

But i am finally starting to be able to function normal during the day and so i am going back to my routines again. I have been neglecting a few important things while i have been sick, such as my schoolwork, eating, cleaning and socializing. All of which i find quite important, some more than others but all very important.

So today i started doing some of my schoolwork but lost all my inspiration as i was about to start the major part of my assignment.. well i have till Wednesday to finish it so i am not stressing (yet).

I also cooked today, nothing special but i haven't actually cooked anything since last Monday, yeah horrible i know.
I have been eating terribly bad these last 2 weeks, first of all because i had no appetite and then because i didn't have any energy to actually cook something and also i didn't feel like standing in my dorm kitchen looking all gross (yes i am quite vain) and cough all over the place.

So tomorrow i will hopefully have some more inspiration so i can start doing my assignment and then i will also start cleaning my apartment because at the moment it's way too messy for my liking, although it does look clean compared to other homes i am sure.


So.. what have i done instead of my schoolwork then you might ask?
I have watched all of my Friday shows and naruto, listened to music and played Mario kart Double dash on my Gamecube i have also watched a whole lot of videos on YouTube.

I think when i have recovered from this cold in hopefully a few days and if i have done all my schoolwork i will start a project that i have been neglecting for a long time for various reasons, hopefully this time i will get around to do it.

Here's a song i have listened to today.
It is now quite old but i still love it!

Miyavi - Jibun Kakumei

Sick

Started to get a tickle in my throat on Monday and on Tuesday i was officially sick in my opinion (i couldn't speak), now i have a terrible cough and i just want it to go away..

I'm starting to doubt that i will be well enough tomorrow to go to Love & Lust at Five, that really sucks.
Been looking forward to this event and even bought a ticket but at the moment it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to make it..

I have been coughing all night, up until the point that i can't catch my breath.

It's not so much that i feel tired though just that i can not go without coughing for 5 minutes.
Hopefully i'll be feeling a bit better tomorrow though so i can at least try to go, i mean i can always go home if i don't feel well.

It would really suck if i miss it since it seems like it's going to be a blast.

A year ago i didn't like to go out and to parties because it wasn't fun for me but now i am pretty much out every weekend, having a blast.

It feels right and i am having a lot of fun but it's not making my schoolwork suffer either, i guess later on i might have to slow down if we get more to do in school.. Only thing making my schoolwork suffer at the moment is this stupid cold, can't really sit in the classroom and cough all the time while the teacher is trying to have a lecture, hopefully i haven't missed anything really important..

So now i have to get myself together so i can go and get some cough syrup. 

Re-publish

When Tony passed away i decided to unpublish a lot of my old posts on the blog for some reason, at the moment i don't know why i did that but i guess i had my reasons which i don't remember anymore but i have now re-published them.

Sorry for delayed update

So here i am after a few month of silence from my blog.
A lot of things have happened and i would say that it has been great.
It's amazing how far you can go in a year when something so horrible happens in your life. To go from one point where you feel like you are never gonna be okay and that you are never going to be able to not cry for a day or a week.

I am in such a good place in my life right now and i try not to think about what my life could have been because there is nothing i can do to change the past so i live in the present and believe in the future that it will lead to.

This year 2013 is going to be great because i am more than halfway through and so many great things have happened.
To start mentioning the great things i have to start by mentioning a great person, a woman who never pushed me too far and helped me get some control back in my life. Inga-Lill..
I thank god i got her switched to be my agent at the unemployment agency, and as the swedes knows having a great agent is quite rare. The woman i had before her didn't know how to deal with me, i mean she is a nice person don't get me wrong but she could never understand what i was going through and what i needed. Inga-Lill never pushed me but she wasn't afraid to ask what i wanted to do.
In February she suggested that we ask at Anybody if i can have an internship for 3 weeks, for me this was a test to see if i was ready to work again.
She called them and asked about it and i went there and talked to the owner and we agreed that i was gonna work there for 3 weeks..
After a few weeks had passed Inga-Lill came into the store and talked to the owner, she asked him if he liked having me around and he did. She then talked to me about extending my internship if i wanted to and i said yes of course.
So i ended up having a internship there from February to June and then i had a summer job there until August.
I really loved working there and i wouldn't mind filling in if there is a need whenever i have time.
It's a beauty supply store that also sells perfumes and health foods so it was something i was very interested in as well.

In July i got into University of Umeå!
So then the apartment hunting started and at the moment i live in a dorm but it's only till February then i have to find somewhere else to live.

So now i am here in lovely Umeå studying to get a bachelor degree in language.. I'm gonna major in English and at the moment we are studying Linguistics.

I love it here and i feel like i fit right in which is a first for me, I've met a lot of amazing people and made a lot of friends.
I think it will only get better.

Update

So was some time since i wrote..
The Nutrilett diet i was on for 3 weeks made me loose about 6 kg's in weight, during the time i also gained some more muscles than i had before.
I was overweight before eveything happened but i still had muscles but after everything that i went through since august my body was weak due to no excersice, in the beginning i didn't even really wanna leave the house let alone go for a walk.
So i started excersicing when i got used to my diet which was about the second week out of 3.
When i started i could do about 5minutes of Zumba on the Wii and then i was exhausted, quite sad i know.
Now i can do the full workouts but the damn game is lagging so haven't felt much like it lately.
I also did different excersices on Wii fit plus and some pushups from my bed to the floor.

I started an internship last monday at a beauty supply store her in town and it's so much fun!
But i have been exhausted when i've gotten home which isn't that strange since it was a long time since i worked. So my knees, back and feet are spent when i get home and i also feel very tired so haven't been excersicing any during the work days and my knee felt a bit wonky yesterday too so i only did some light step up and then some sit ups and push ups on the yoga mat, could only manage 10 "girly" push ups which amde me really realise how week i have gotten.

But everything is going great and im still loosing weight and that makes me feel alot happier with myself. I haven't changed my lifestyle that much, only switched things to low fat and high fibre in my diet and ofcource no deep fried things or regular coke. Now and then i do eat something really nice that isn't on my diet but that's ok as long as it's not that often, tops once per week.

I usually talk so much about how i hate fake sugar in diet sodas and such so i feel a bit hypocritical when i drink it now but thing is.. i do not want to give up coke, it's the thing i really enjoy when it comes to foods and drink and we all have one of them things that we just have to ahve now and then.
2-3 weekends after my extreme diet i did have a 6pack of regular coke as a treat over the weekend but i can't do that every weekend it's gonna completely ruin my balance for burning fat with all those liquid carbs so i started drinking coke zero instead when i want a coke, it's not the same but it is pretty close to regular coke and i know aspartam isn't healthy for you so don't drink as much as i did when iw as drinking coke everyday. My diet is about calories, not carbs or fat it's about how much energy you put in your body and the truth is that diet drinks only contains less than 1calorie per 100g so coke zero it is.


I will try to write more often so i don't have to make these big entrys everytime lol.
Bottom line was, im still loosing weight and it makes me happy to get the control of my body back to be the way i want it to be.
Will write more about other things some other day, hopefully not in a month this time.

Body obsession/ Weight obsession

I have been obsessed with my weight for such a long time.
About 2 years ago i became overweight, you know when you pass that line of normal and overweight compared to your height.
And it has been slowly haunting me ever since, telling myself how fat i look in certain clothing etc.
I wasn't happy with my size at all.
About a month or so ago i told myself enough! stop complaining and do something about it.
Before i have had other people who made me feel beautiful the way i was, i was relying on others to be ok with my body.
I have to be ok with my body and stop relying on others to do that for me and in order to do that i have to loose weight.
My obsessive thoughts about it will stop now because i am doing something about it.
I tried changing my habits with food and drinks but it wasn't working, or maybe not working fast enough.
I'd get on the scale and it would show no change at all or that i had gained weight.

So today (monday) i started a pretty radical diet to get a kickstart to motivate me to keep going.
I have started drinking nutrilett shakes and soups as a very low calorie diet, and i will be doing so for 3 weeks and after that i will slowly start eating solid food again with a concious mind of what i am eating, less fat, less sugar, more protein, fibre and vegetables.

I am taking charge of loving myself, inside and out.

I think i was about 73kg here.. that's where i'd like to be to be happy with myself completely.

2012

2012...
I thought about it and i realised eventhough people would think i'd say it was the crappiest year of my life i can't say it was.. Yes i had the worst experience of my life this year but.. The first half was the best moments i've had in my life..
I got to see a wonderfull man that i loved for the first time and share his experiences of Sweden and i got to travel to beautifull and wonderfull Slovenia to see him and meet his family and friends.. He showed me many things when i was there and we were very happy together..

Then yes everything changed a month after i got home and i've been trying hard to keep myself together after that.. life is just not fair sometimes and you have to deal with it..or not but only the weak chooses not to and i have never been weak.

I still miss him.. but atleast now i can start thinking about our happy memories without feeling completely cold, lost and alone in the dark.
I still cry but only because i miss him.

I have gotten a long way in recovering from what i would call a great tragedy in my life.
I realise that i haven't written anything here in a very long time but i only write something when i want to get something out of me for everyone else to see.
I haven't had as much need to write about things since i've been seeing my psychiatrist, she has really helped me get through alot of struggles that i've been dealing with.
I haven't had a real panic attack in a long time now and i got the right tools to ease them if they start to come.
I am not as afraid of being around alot of people anymore and i challange myself with that whenever i can so i can get over my social phobia, children still frightens me though.. Don't think i've written alot about my social phobias.. didn't even realise what it was until i got a name put on what i was feeling. Yes children scare me.. it seems silly and i agree it is, it's not logical to be scared of children..
Let's just say it has to do with my past and leave it at that.

I am starting to see a future longer than tomorrow or next week in my life again, i don't know what it holds yet as i have not really decided that yet but i know it's there.
For the first time in my life i am doing what I want to do and not what i think other people expect me to do.. I have really realised it is MY life and not anyone elses, i should live it the way i want to.
After you truly understand that you start to feel less scared about things.
Im gonna start looking for jobs again soon, i did ones last week but after a while i started feeling stressed and paniced but it was a step in the right direction.
I want to have a job and make money because i want to be independant, i want to have a place of my own in a town that has things i enjoy such as dance and music amongst other things.
Or go to school because then i could also be independant.
I am alot better than i was 4 months ago but i still have things i need to deal with and ones im done with it all i can truly start my life again but i need to start living before that.


I miss Tony everyday and i will always love him and i will carry him with me my whole life.
He was strong and fearless when it came to alot of things, he was also smart and caring.
We tought eachother many things the short time we had with together and i do not regret any moment of it. If i was allowed to go back and know what would happen with him and choose to not be with him i would do it all again eventhough loosing him was the worst pain anyone could ever emagine.
I will honour his memory by being more fearless and embracing life.



I hope that 2013 will only bring me good things.. i hope everyone i love and care about will be healthy and i hope i will get to have more adventures and be happy.
And this sounds very selfish but i hope that the hardest part of my life is over now and from now on i only have good things looking ahead.


Anton Repina 89/01/09 - 12/08/17
I will try to live up to my nickname.. for you

I miss him everyday, some days more than others.
Today i think about him alot, no perticular reason like an anniversary or anything..i just miss him alot.
It's hard to go on when a person you love so much passes away. There are things that makes it harder to live your life.
It's not the same for everyone. For me i get anxiety and panic attacks, sometimes for no reason other than a thought that i had for a split second. I feel panic when there are alot of people around me, especially if i don't know them. It's like being claustrophobic..the room feels like it's getting smaller and it feels like the people are getting closer and i feel like the air is becoming unbreathable.
I don't want people to see when im not feeling well so i pretend to be fine.
I try to do things that are normal for me but some of them are alot harder because of this than they should be for a "normal" person.
Like going to a party, i propably look like im having alot of fun and people are too busy to notice that im not myself. Parties aren't fun for me.. i may laugh at a joke caus it's funny but after taht i go back to being empty.. that's how i feel 80% of the time im at a party.. empty.
Worst thing is when people ask me what i do.. i don't like lying so i say im unemployed or that iäve been on sick leave. Ofcourse the follow up questions come and i wish they didn't. I don't wanna ruin anyone elses fun by telling them how my life is like right now.
If i've said im unemployed they ask what i've been doing before that and then i tell them iv'e been on sick leave and then they ask why.. It's so ackward everytime.. i even try to just slip it by by saying depression but then they ask why to that aswell.. and then they wish they hadn't.
I can understand that you don't want to hear from the person you are trying to be social with that they are depressed because their boyfriend died 2.5 months ago from cancer.. If that isn't a buzz kill i dunno what is.
The only thing i still find fun with partying is going out and dance.. unless there is too many people.
When you dance you only have to listen to the music and move to it. No one asks you questions they are just all doing the same thing, dancing.

Alot of the time i fell like a shell of a person because very few things makes me feel happy. And i leave feeling sad at home so when im out with people im just nothing on the inside when im not happy.
I really wish people could just understand me by looking at me so that they wouldn't ask me certain things and just know what would be appropriate to say.

I still also wish people wouldn't whine so much about their lives when in my opinion they have so much to be thankfull for.
Those who truly struggles with something hard everyday like me, we don't post everything on facebook or use every chanse we get to tell someone about it.
We keep most of it to ourselfes because you don't need to know all the things that we think about everyday. We want YOU to have a good day, therefore we leave our stuff out of your mind and sight so you don't have to think about it or try to come up with something encouraging to say to us to try make us feel better.. Please just keep most of the whining to yourselfes like we do.. no one likes someone who constantly need attention because of every little negative thing in your life.

Appointment

Finally got my appointment for the psuchologist.. allthough i have to wait till the 17:th of october..
Also got some sleeping pills that also helps against my anxiety.
Last night i actually fell asleep before 2am but i woke up at 14.30.. kinda needed the extra sleep though concidering how little iäve been sleeping especially this week.

Paradise

This was Tony's favourite Coldplay song.. It was also the song that kept repeating in my head all night i tried to sleep before i got the news that he had died..

I miss you so much my teddybear.. taking it one day at a time because that is all i can do for now.
I feel so hopeless right now.. wish i could just feel normal but i can't. No matter how much i want to be normal i can't. You can't force yourself to be fine no matter how much you want it.

Don't know at all what my future holds for me anymore.. Everytime i try to make something of myself i fail somehow.. tried to get a job but no one seems to even want to take me in for an interview.. Applied for music school but apparently wasn't quite good enough at singing to get in.. Read up my math grades and applied for university but not even that was enough.. After i failed that too you were the only thing i had to look forward to.. You were gonna move here ones you got a job, and knowing you you'd prolly have gotten one.. I was looking forward to living with you adn getting to see you everyday..
You were the only thing i saw in my future.. now i am stuck in the same place with nothing that i can see ahead of me.
Sure i know some day it will change, it must.
Right now i have nothing to race towards.. nothing to even walk to.. so i stay in the place.
Right now my future is completely unknown to me..

So for now i am stuck.. right here.. alone..
All i can do is take it one day at a time and keep breathing.

Ljubim te medvedek..