Update

So was some time since i wrote..
The Nutrilett diet i was on for 3 weeks made me loose about 6 kg's in weight, during the time i also gained some more muscles than i had before.
I was overweight before eveything happened but i still had muscles but after everything that i went through since august my body was weak due to no excersice, in the beginning i didn't even really wanna leave the house let alone go for a walk.
So i started excersicing when i got used to my diet which was about the second week out of 3.
When i started i could do about 5minutes of Zumba on the Wii and then i was exhausted, quite sad i know.
Now i can do the full workouts but the damn game is lagging so haven't felt much like it lately.
I also did different excersices on Wii fit plus and some pushups from my bed to the floor.

I started an internship last monday at a beauty supply store her in town and it's so much fun!
But i have been exhausted when i've gotten home which isn't that strange since it was a long time since i worked. So my knees, back and feet are spent when i get home and i also feel very tired so haven't been excersicing any during the work days and my knee felt a bit wonky yesterday too so i only did some light step up and then some sit ups and push ups on the yoga mat, could only manage 10 "girly" push ups which amde me really realise how week i have gotten.

But everything is going great and im still loosing weight and that makes me feel alot happier with myself. I haven't changed my lifestyle that much, only switched things to low fat and high fibre in my diet and ofcource no deep fried things or regular coke. Now and then i do eat something really nice that isn't on my diet but that's ok as long as it's not that often, tops once per week.

I usually talk so much about how i hate fake sugar in diet sodas and such so i feel a bit hypocritical when i drink it now but thing is.. i do not want to give up coke, it's the thing i really enjoy when it comes to foods and drink and we all have one of them things that we just have to ahve now and then.
2-3 weekends after my extreme diet i did have a 6pack of regular coke as a treat over the weekend but i can't do that every weekend it's gonna completely ruin my balance for burning fat with all those liquid carbs so i started drinking coke zero instead when i want a coke, it's not the same but it is pretty close to regular coke and i know aspartam isn't healthy for you so don't drink as much as i did when iw as drinking coke everyday. My diet is about calories, not carbs or fat it's about how much energy you put in your body and the truth is that diet drinks only contains less than 1calorie per 100g so coke zero it is.


I will try to write more often so i don't have to make these big entrys everytime lol.
Bottom line was, im still loosing weight and it makes me happy to get the control of my body back to be the way i want it to be.
Will write more about other things some other day, hopefully not in a month this time.

Body obsession/ Weight obsession

I have been obsessed with my weight for such a long time.
About 2 years ago i became overweight, you know when you pass that line of normal and overweight compared to your height.
And it has been slowly haunting me ever since, telling myself how fat i look in certain clothing etc.
I wasn't happy with my size at all.
About a month or so ago i told myself enough! stop complaining and do something about it.
Before i have had other people who made me feel beautiful the way i was, i was relying on others to be ok with my body.
I have to be ok with my body and stop relying on others to do that for me and in order to do that i have to loose weight.
My obsessive thoughts about it will stop now because i am doing something about it.
I tried changing my habits with food and drinks but it wasn't working, or maybe not working fast enough.
I'd get on the scale and it would show no change at all or that i had gained weight.

So today (monday) i started a pretty radical diet to get a kickstart to motivate me to keep going.
I have started drinking nutrilett shakes and soups as a very low calorie diet, and i will be doing so for 3 weeks and after that i will slowly start eating solid food again with a concious mind of what i am eating, less fat, less sugar, more protein, fibre and vegetables.

I am taking charge of loving myself, inside and out.

I think i was about 73kg here.. that's where i'd like to be to be happy with myself completely.

2012

2012...
I thought about it and i realised eventhough people would think i'd say it was the crappiest year of my life i can't say it was.. Yes i had the worst experience of my life this year but.. The first half was the best moments i've had in my life..
I got to see a wonderfull man that i loved for the first time and share his experiences of Sweden and i got to travel to beautifull and wonderfull Slovenia to see him and meet his family and friends.. He showed me many things when i was there and we were very happy together..

Then yes everything changed a month after i got home and i've been trying hard to keep myself together after that.. life is just not fair sometimes and you have to deal with it..or not but only the weak chooses not to and i have never been weak.

I still miss him.. but atleast now i can start thinking about our happy memories without feeling completely cold, lost and alone in the dark.
I still cry but only because i miss him.

I have gotten a long way in recovering from what i would call a great tragedy in my life.
I realise that i haven't written anything here in a very long time but i only write something when i want to get something out of me for everyone else to see.
I haven't had as much need to write about things since i've been seeing my psychiatrist, she has really helped me get through alot of struggles that i've been dealing with.
I haven't had a real panic attack in a long time now and i got the right tools to ease them if they start to come.
I am not as afraid of being around alot of people anymore and i challange myself with that whenever i can so i can get over my social phobia, children still frightens me though.. Don't think i've written alot about my social phobias.. didn't even realise what it was until i got a name put on what i was feeling. Yes children scare me.. it seems silly and i agree it is, it's not logical to be scared of children..
Let's just say it has to do with my past and leave it at that.

I am starting to see a future longer than tomorrow or next week in my life again, i don't know what it holds yet as i have not really decided that yet but i know it's there.
For the first time in my life i am doing what I want to do and not what i think other people expect me to do.. I have really realised it is MY life and not anyone elses, i should live it the way i want to.
After you truly understand that you start to feel less scared about things.
Im gonna start looking for jobs again soon, i did ones last week but after a while i started feeling stressed and paniced but it was a step in the right direction.
I want to have a job and make money because i want to be independant, i want to have a place of my own in a town that has things i enjoy such as dance and music amongst other things.
Or go to school because then i could also be independant.
I am alot better than i was 4 months ago but i still have things i need to deal with and ones im done with it all i can truly start my life again but i need to start living before that.


I miss Tony everyday and i will always love him and i will carry him with me my whole life.
He was strong and fearless when it came to alot of things, he was also smart and caring.
We tought eachother many things the short time we had with together and i do not regret any moment of it. If i was allowed to go back and know what would happen with him and choose to not be with him i would do it all again eventhough loosing him was the worst pain anyone could ever emagine.
I will honour his memory by being more fearless and embracing life.



I hope that 2013 will only bring me good things.. i hope everyone i love and care about will be healthy and i hope i will get to have more adventures and be happy.
And this sounds very selfish but i hope that the hardest part of my life is over now and from now on i only have good things looking ahead.


Anton Repina 89/01/09 - 12/08/17
I will try to live up to my nickname.. for you

I miss him everyday, some days more than others.
Today i think about him alot, no perticular reason like an anniversary or anything..i just miss him alot.
It's hard to go on when a person you love so much passes away. There are things that makes it harder to live your life.
It's not the same for everyone. For me i get anxiety and panic attacks, sometimes for no reason other than a thought that i had for a split second. I feel panic when there are alot of people around me, especially if i don't know them. It's like being claustrophobic..the room feels like it's getting smaller and it feels like the people are getting closer and i feel like the air is becoming unbreathable.
I don't want people to see when im not feeling well so i pretend to be fine.
I try to do things that are normal for me but some of them are alot harder because of this than they should be for a "normal" person.
Like going to a party, i propably look like im having alot of fun and people are too busy to notice that im not myself. Parties aren't fun for me.. i may laugh at a joke caus it's funny but after taht i go back to being empty.. that's how i feel 80% of the time im at a party.. empty.
Worst thing is when people ask me what i do.. i don't like lying so i say im unemployed or that iäve been on sick leave. Ofcourse the follow up questions come and i wish they didn't. I don't wanna ruin anyone elses fun by telling them how my life is like right now.
If i've said im unemployed they ask what i've been doing before that and then i tell them iv'e been on sick leave and then they ask why.. It's so ackward everytime.. i even try to just slip it by by saying depression but then they ask why to that aswell.. and then they wish they hadn't.
I can understand that you don't want to hear from the person you are trying to be social with that they are depressed because their boyfriend died 2.5 months ago from cancer.. If that isn't a buzz kill i dunno what is.
The only thing i still find fun with partying is going out and dance.. unless there is too many people.
When you dance you only have to listen to the music and move to it. No one asks you questions they are just all doing the same thing, dancing.

Alot of the time i fell like a shell of a person because very few things makes me feel happy. And i leave feeling sad at home so when im out with people im just nothing on the inside when im not happy.
I really wish people could just understand me by looking at me so that they wouldn't ask me certain things and just know what would be appropriate to say.

I still also wish people wouldn't whine so much about their lives when in my opinion they have so much to be thankfull for.
Those who truly struggles with something hard everyday like me, we don't post everything on facebook or use every chanse we get to tell someone about it.
We keep most of it to ourselfes because you don't need to know all the things that we think about everyday. We want YOU to have a good day, therefore we leave our stuff out of your mind and sight so you don't have to think about it or try to come up with something encouraging to say to us to try make us feel better.. Please just keep most of the whining to yourselfes like we do.. no one likes someone who constantly need attention because of every little negative thing in your life.

Appointment

Finally got my appointment for the psuchologist.. allthough i have to wait till the 17:th of october..
Also got some sleeping pills that also helps against my anxiety.
Last night i actually fell asleep before 2am but i woke up at 14.30.. kinda needed the extra sleep though concidering how little iäve been sleeping especially this week.

Paradise

This was Tony's favourite Coldplay song.. It was also the song that kept repeating in my head all night i tried to sleep before i got the news that he had died..

I miss you so much my teddybear.. taking it one day at a time because that is all i can do for now.
I feel so hopeless right now.. wish i could just feel normal but i can't. No matter how much i want to be normal i can't. You can't force yourself to be fine no matter how much you want it.

Don't know at all what my future holds for me anymore.. Everytime i try to make something of myself i fail somehow.. tried to get a job but no one seems to even want to take me in for an interview.. Applied for music school but apparently wasn't quite good enough at singing to get in.. Read up my math grades and applied for university but not even that was enough.. After i failed that too you were the only thing i had to look forward to.. You were gonna move here ones you got a job, and knowing you you'd prolly have gotten one.. I was looking forward to living with you adn getting to see you everyday..
You were the only thing i saw in my future.. now i am stuck in the same place with nothing that i can see ahead of me.
Sure i know some day it will change, it must.
Right now i have nothing to race towards.. nothing to even walk to.. so i stay in the place.
Right now my future is completely unknown to me..

So for now i am stuck.. right here.. alone..
All i can do is take it one day at a time and keep breathing.

Ljubim te medvedek..

All these pillows..

Dreamt about you a bit last night.. i don't remember much of it but i remember we were lying in bed and you asked me if there was any more pillows.
You used to sleep with so many pillows.
One or two for your head, one between you knees and then you prefered to have one for each of your arms to rest on...
Never seen a person that needed so many pillows in bed.. <3 br="br">

Understanding

Sometimes i wish i could wear a sign on me or something to let people know what im going through.
There's not really a sign that could explain it all without it being the biggest sign in the world.
I wish people understood better, but i can't expect them to, because i don't even understand.

But i can still wish that someone understood and knew exactly what to say all the time.
I find it hard to be around people sometimes simply because im in a strange mood, feeling like im on the verge of crying but not really there, like i could easy be pushed over the line, never like they could pull me back.
I wish there was someone who could pull me away from the edge, but there's no one.
Only person who could do that is the reason why i am so messed up right now. Not blaming him because he would never have left me if he had a choise.

Right now i want to sit on mumble with my guild but i know not everyone knows, there's so many new people and not everyone reads the forum either.. especially not 1 month old posts.
I am afraid of joining any other channel than the AFK-channel because im not feeling well today.
I wish there was a channel there just for me when i want to have people around but i want them to be carefull and think about what they say. Yeah it is asking for alot and it's not rational but nothing about my situation is rational other than the fact it isn't rational.. very confusing i know, emagine living with the confusion.. yeah that's right you'r lucky if your not..

I really do wish there was a channel for me on mumble when i feel like this, because i want to be social but i don't want people around who aren't understanding.. making jokes about cancer or even talking about cancer for that matter unless it's something personal, joking about death.. anything that MIGHT be insensetive towards me.
Maybe i should request my own channel.. thing is other people might want one too and not be too understanding if they don't know me. I don't think the officers would find it unreasonable though concidering they know what im going through and the reason behind me wanting one..
I just want somewhere i can sit and hope taht someone feels like talking to a mess of a person like me when i am in this kind of mood.

Strange entry this is.. just clearing my head a bit.

Found this Avril Lavigne song today.. it really hit home.

Dream

Last night i was dreaming about you. It was that kind of dream were you are dreaming in your dream.. Or more like you were a figment of my emagination in my dream..
I was the only one who could see you and touch you. My family didn't care that i was seeing things because it made me happy.
It was like revisiting a memory of when you were here.

Scent

Sometimes when im going to take some socks out of my dresser i can smell that one pair of them in there smells like your detergent.. I can't wear that pair simply because it smells like you and i don't wanna ruin it. I keep one pair in a plastic bag just for the reason that i want to keep the smell. I remember when you were here in my room with your luggage.. My hole room smelled like your detergent, it always makes me think of you.

Now i was actually trying to clean up a bit in my room and i wasn't thinking about you for a bit.. Then i picked up a skirt and threw it on the bed and when i did taht a wift of air went across my face and i smelled that this skirt had your detergent because the last time i washed it i was with you in Slovenia. So yeah then the waterworks instantly came over me and i had to stop cleaning, i wasn't prepared for it like i am with the sockdrawer so it kind of shocked me.

I miss you so much.