Miss you

Last night i dreamt about your house.. About your family and friends.. It was sort of like a re-cap of your funeral.. I stood around that fence with your initials on it R.T.. And i cried.. next to me was Rahela crying too.
All i wanna dream about is you and i can't, i only dream about things that has to do with you but never actually you.

But i guess if i actually did dream about you then i would never get out of bed. On the other hand i'd prolly be sleeping alot more than i do now though. I miss you so much and no matter how much i try to not think about you when im going to sleep because it makes me cry, i can't. I start thinking about how you used to smell and how your back felt against my cheek and holding you hand and everything i can think of.. and when i try to think of your face infront of me.. i hit a wall and i start crying because it's too painfull because i miss you so much.

Someone screwed up my remittance to the psychologist too.. They were gonna try to hurry my case along even more but with my luck i get forgotten again.. that's how i feel.
If you were here you'd tell me to stop thinking like that, to stop being so negative eventhough you knew how much shit i've been through.. All you wanted was to see me smile. You knew i had a good reason for being so negative on things sometimes but you still tried to direct me away from the dark when i was going there..
Sometimes you were too harsh when you did so but in the end you always managed to pull me out of it. And now i really wish i had you here to do that for me.. to be strong for me when i can't.. But the thing is, you being taken from me is the reason im not able to be strong right now.
I miss you so much and i love you with all my heart.