No air

I thought i was doing a little better until yesterday... I think my mind is blocking things for me because it is far too much for me to handle... It's like those multipersonality disorder people that creates a second person to deal with the trauma that is too much for them to handle.. Except there is no extra people in my head, just a wall, a barrier that i can feel but i can't get through.
Yesterday i had a panic attack.. I am usually able to stop them before they break out but it came over me so fast i was gasping for air before i even knew what was happening.
Strange what was going through my mind when it happened.. i was showering and all of a sudden i hear myself making this strange noise and then i realise that i am taking very short breaths and that is what the sound is coming from.
I know this isn't good and i know what is happening so i sit down in the shower with the water still running.. i think to myself that i need to hold something in my hands to ground me to reality so i hold my shampoo bottle as i try to calm myself. When i stopped gasping for air and start crying instead i turn off the water and wait till i can get myself back together and stand up again... I've never felt so lonely as i did during this ordeal that felt like forever but was propobly over within a minuit.
I felt lonely eventhough there are people in the house, i felt lonely caus i was missing him.

I don't like the thought of not being able to access all my feelings eventhough it is propobly for the best. I've never been through something like this.. that i can't access all my feelings that is, i know they are there i just can't get a hold of them no matter how much i want to. I hope when i finally get to talk to someone that i can straighten some of these feelings and thoughts out that im having and eventually being able to access the rest of the stuff hiding somewhere in the back of my mind. Analysing myself isn't really good and i know that but it's something i can't help because i have been doing it my whole life.
Analysing this and knowing that something strange is going on in my mind and just knowing that doesen't solve it.. well it makes you feel kinda crazy eventhough i know im not, that it's propably a part of the griefing.

It is far too much for one person to take..

Maybe reading this for someone that isn't me and never been through this it seems very dark and perhaps crazy.. I just want you to know that i am OK. One day i will be allright again but right now i am just taking it moment by moment and day by day.

Just wanna end this post saying how happy i am that i have my family. My mum, dad and my brother caring so much for me and being here for me... well i know not everyone has that and i am truly gratefull for it. ♥