Talking to myself

I think the "denial" period is starting to end..
It's feeling more heavy than it did before and i think im slowly starting to actually realise he is gone.
A thought strikes about him and then it starts to feel hard to breathe.. even if i try to take a deep breath it doesen't help.. It's not a panic attack or hyperventilation coming on.. it's something else and right now i don't know what it is.. maybe it's anxiety?

It's been two weeks now since i saw the doctor and i still don't have an appointment with the psychologist. I hope i get one soon because it is very hard to go through this without having someone to talk to that can actually tell me what's going on and what i am supposed to do.
I have people to talk to but it's not the same.

Yesterday i was thinking about religion and faith in god.. After everything i don't even believe in god a little bit. I used to think that maybe there was a god but since everytime i pray it feels like no one hears me i came to the conclusion that no one hears me caus i am talking to myself...
I don't wanna label what i believe in and what i don't.. I guess christians would call me an atheist, i don't feel like im an atheist.. I wish i could believe in god because maybe that would take some of my pain away instead of carrying it all by myself.
For a moment before Tony passed i threw myself out to faith and thought maybe if i do believe, someone will hear my prayer.
I did believe with all my heart and prayed for him to get better. I prayed harder than i ever have for anything.
Nobody heard me...
So to me.. there is no god.