2012...
I thought about it and i realised eventhough people would think i'd say it was the crappiest year of my life i can't say it was.. Yes i had the worst experience of my life this year but.. The first half was the best moments i've had in my life..
I got to see a wonderfull man that i loved for the first time and share his experiences of Sweden and i got to travel to beautifull and wonderfull Slovenia to see him and meet his family and friends.. He showed me many things when i was there and we were very happy together..
Then yes everything changed a month after i got home and i've been trying hard to keep myself together after that.. life is just not fair sometimes and you have to deal with it..or not but only the weak chooses not to and i have never been weak.
I still miss him.. but atleast now i can start thinking about our happy memories without feeling completely cold, lost and alone in the dark.
I still cry but only because i miss him.
I have gotten a long way in recovering from what i would call a great tragedy in my life.
I realise that i haven't written anything here in a very long time but i only write something when i want to get something out of me for everyone else to see.
I haven't had as much need to write about things since i've been seeing my psychiatrist, she has really helped me get through alot of struggles that i've been dealing with.
I haven't had a real panic attack in a long time now and i got the right tools to ease them if they start to come.
I am not as afraid of being around alot of people anymore and i challange myself with that whenever i can so i can get over my social phobia, children still frightens me though.. Don't think i've written alot about my social phobias.. didn't even realise what it was until i got a name put on what i was feeling. Yes children scare me.. it seems silly and i agree it is, it's not logical to be scared of children..
Let's just say it has to do with my past and leave it at that.
I am starting to see a future longer than tomorrow or next week in my life again, i don't know what it holds yet as i have not really decided that yet but i know it's there.
For the first time in my life i am doing what I want to do and not what i think other people expect me to do.. I have really realised it is MY life and not anyone elses, i should live it the way i want to.
After you truly understand that you start to feel less scared about things.
Im gonna start looking for jobs again soon, i did ones last week but after a while i started feeling stressed and paniced but it was a step in the right direction.
I want to have a job and make money because i want to be independant, i want to have a place of my own in a town that has things i enjoy such as dance and music amongst other things.
Or go to school because then i could also be independant.
I am alot better than i was 4 months ago but i still have things i need to deal with and ones im done with it all i can truly start my life again but i need to start living before that.
I miss Tony everyday and i will always love him and i will carry him with me my whole life.
He was strong and fearless when it came to alot of things, he was also smart and caring.
We tought eachother many things the short time we had with together and i do not regret any moment of it. If i was allowed to go back and know what would happen with him and choose to not be with him i would do it all again eventhough loosing him was the worst pain anyone could ever emagine.
I will honour his memory by being more fearless and embracing life.
I hope that 2013 will only bring me good things.. i hope everyone i love and care about will be healthy and i hope i will get to have more adventures and be happy.
And this sounds very selfish but i hope that the hardest part of my life is over now and from now on i only have good things looking ahead.
Anton Repina 89/01/09 - 12/08/17
I will try to live up to my nickname.. for you
You are strong when you can break down and still be able to get up and keep going.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
I miss him everyday, some days more than others.
Today i think about him alot, no perticular reason like an anniversary or anything..i just miss him alot.
It's hard to go on when a person you love so much passes away. There are things that makes it harder to live your life.
It's not the same for everyone. For me i get anxiety and panic attacks, sometimes for no reason other than a thought that i had for a split second. I feel panic when there are alot of people around me, especially if i don't know them. It's like being claustrophobic..the room feels like it's getting smaller and it feels like the people are getting closer and i feel like the air is becoming unbreathable.
I don't want people to see when im not feeling well so i pretend to be fine.
I try to do things that are normal for me but some of them are alot harder because of this than they should be for a "normal" person.
Like going to a party, i propably look like im having alot of fun and people are too busy to notice that im not myself. Parties aren't fun for me.. i may laugh at a joke caus it's funny but after taht i go back to being empty.. that's how i feel 80% of the time im at a party.. empty.
Worst thing is when people ask me what i do.. i don't like lying so i say im unemployed or that iäve been on sick leave. Ofcourse the follow up questions come and i wish they didn't. I don't wanna ruin anyone elses fun by telling them how my life is like right now.
If i've said im unemployed they ask what i've been doing before that and then i tell them iv'e been on sick leave and then they ask why.. It's so ackward everytime.. i even try to just slip it by by saying depression but then they ask why to that aswell.. and then they wish they hadn't.
I can understand that you don't want to hear from the person you are trying to be social with that they are depressed because their boyfriend died 2.5 months ago from cancer.. If that isn't a buzz kill i dunno what is.
The only thing i still find fun with partying is going out and dance.. unless there is too many people.
When you dance you only have to listen to the music and move to it. No one asks you questions they are just all doing the same thing, dancing.
Alot of the time i fell like a shell of a person because very few things makes me feel happy. And i leave feeling sad at home so when im out with people im just nothing on the inside when im not happy.
I really wish people could just understand me by looking at me so that they wouldn't ask me certain things and just know what would be appropriate to say.
I still also wish people wouldn't whine so much about their lives when in my opinion they have so much to be thankfull for.
Those who truly struggles with something hard everyday like me, we don't post everything on facebook or use every chanse we get to tell someone about it.
We keep most of it to ourselfes because you don't need to know all the things that we think about everyday. We want YOU to have a good day, therefore we leave our stuff out of your mind and sight so you don't have to think about it or try to come up with something encouraging to say to us to try make us feel better.. Please just keep most of the whining to yourselfes like we do.. no one likes someone who constantly need attention because of every little negative thing in your life.
Today i think about him alot, no perticular reason like an anniversary or anything..i just miss him alot.
It's hard to go on when a person you love so much passes away. There are things that makes it harder to live your life.
It's not the same for everyone. For me i get anxiety and panic attacks, sometimes for no reason other than a thought that i had for a split second. I feel panic when there are alot of people around me, especially if i don't know them. It's like being claustrophobic..the room feels like it's getting smaller and it feels like the people are getting closer and i feel like the air is becoming unbreathable.
I don't want people to see when im not feeling well so i pretend to be fine.
I try to do things that are normal for me but some of them are alot harder because of this than they should be for a "normal" person.
Like going to a party, i propably look like im having alot of fun and people are too busy to notice that im not myself. Parties aren't fun for me.. i may laugh at a joke caus it's funny but after taht i go back to being empty.. that's how i feel 80% of the time im at a party.. empty.
Worst thing is when people ask me what i do.. i don't like lying so i say im unemployed or that iäve been on sick leave. Ofcourse the follow up questions come and i wish they didn't. I don't wanna ruin anyone elses fun by telling them how my life is like right now.
If i've said im unemployed they ask what i've been doing before that and then i tell them iv'e been on sick leave and then they ask why.. It's so ackward everytime.. i even try to just slip it by by saying depression but then they ask why to that aswell.. and then they wish they hadn't.
I can understand that you don't want to hear from the person you are trying to be social with that they are depressed because their boyfriend died 2.5 months ago from cancer.. If that isn't a buzz kill i dunno what is.
The only thing i still find fun with partying is going out and dance.. unless there is too many people.
When you dance you only have to listen to the music and move to it. No one asks you questions they are just all doing the same thing, dancing.
Alot of the time i fell like a shell of a person because very few things makes me feel happy. And i leave feeling sad at home so when im out with people im just nothing on the inside when im not happy.
I really wish people could just understand me by looking at me so that they wouldn't ask me certain things and just know what would be appropriate to say.
I still also wish people wouldn't whine so much about their lives when in my opinion they have so much to be thankfull for.
Those who truly struggles with something hard everyday like me, we don't post everything on facebook or use every chanse we get to tell someone about it.
We keep most of it to ourselfes because you don't need to know all the things that we think about everyday. We want YOU to have a good day, therefore we leave our stuff out of your mind and sight so you don't have to think about it or try to come up with something encouraging to say to us to try make us feel better.. Please just keep most of the whining to yourselfes like we do.. no one likes someone who constantly need attention because of every little negative thing in your life.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Appointment
Finally got my appointment for the psuchologist.. allthough i have to wait till the 17:th of october..
Also got some sleeping pills that also helps against my anxiety.
Last night i actually fell asleep before 2am but i woke up at 14.30.. kinda needed the extra sleep though concidering how little iäve been sleeping especially this week.
Also got some sleeping pills that also helps against my anxiety.
Last night i actually fell asleep before 2am but i woke up at 14.30.. kinda needed the extra sleep though concidering how little iäve been sleeping especially this week.
Paradise
This was Tony's favourite Coldplay song.. It was also the song that kept repeating in my head all night i tried to sleep before i got the news that he had died..
I miss you so much my teddybear.. taking it one day at a time because that is all i can do for now.
I feel so hopeless right now.. wish i could just feel normal but i can't. No matter how much i want to be normal i can't. You can't force yourself to be fine no matter how much you want it.
Don't know at all what my future holds for me anymore.. Everytime i try to make something of myself i fail somehow.. tried to get a job but no one seems to even want to take me in for an interview.. Applied for music school but apparently wasn't quite good enough at singing to get in.. Read up my math grades and applied for university but not even that was enough.. After i failed that too you were the only thing i had to look forward to.. You were gonna move here ones you got a job, and knowing you you'd prolly have gotten one.. I was looking forward to living with you adn getting to see you everyday..
You were the only thing i saw in my future.. now i am stuck in the same place with nothing that i can see ahead of me.
Sure i know some day it will change, it must.
Right now i have nothing to race towards.. nothing to even walk to.. so i stay in the place.
Right now my future is completely unknown to me..
So for now i am stuck.. right here.. alone..
All i can do is take it one day at a time and keep breathing.
Ljubim te medvedek..
Monday, September 24, 2012
All these pillows..
Dreamt about you a bit last night.. i don't remember much of it but i remember we were lying in bed and you asked me if there was any more pillows.
You used to sleep with so many pillows.
One or two for your head, one between you knees and then you prefered to have one for each of your arms to rest on...
Never seen a person that needed so many pillows in bed.. <3 br="br">
You used to sleep with so many pillows.
One or two for your head, one between you knees and then you prefered to have one for each of your arms to rest on...
Never seen a person that needed so many pillows in bed.. <3 br="br">
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Understanding
Sometimes i wish i could wear a sign on me or something to let people know what im going through.
There's not really a sign that could explain it all without it being the biggest sign in the world.
I wish people understood better, but i can't expect them to, because i don't even understand.
But i can still wish that someone understood and knew exactly what to say all the time.
I find it hard to be around people sometimes simply because im in a strange mood, feeling like im on the verge of crying but not really there, like i could easy be pushed over the line, never like they could pull me back.
I wish there was someone who could pull me away from the edge, but there's no one.
Only person who could do that is the reason why i am so messed up right now. Not blaming him because he would never have left me if he had a choise.
Right now i want to sit on mumble with my guild but i know not everyone knows, there's so many new people and not everyone reads the forum either.. especially not 1 month old posts.
I am afraid of joining any other channel than the AFK-channel because im not feeling well today.
I wish there was a channel there just for me when i want to have people around but i want them to be carefull and think about what they say. Yeah it is asking for alot and it's not rational but nothing about my situation is rational other than the fact it isn't rational.. very confusing i know, emagine living with the confusion.. yeah that's right you'r lucky if your not..
I really do wish there was a channel for me on mumble when i feel like this, because i want to be social but i don't want people around who aren't understanding.. making jokes about cancer or even talking about cancer for that matter unless it's something personal, joking about death.. anything that MIGHT be insensetive towards me.
Maybe i should request my own channel.. thing is other people might want one too and not be too understanding if they don't know me. I don't think the officers would find it unreasonable though concidering they know what im going through and the reason behind me wanting one..
I just want somewhere i can sit and hope taht someone feels like talking to a mess of a person like me when i am in this kind of mood.
Strange entry this is.. just clearing my head a bit.
Found this Avril Lavigne song today.. it really hit home.
There's not really a sign that could explain it all without it being the biggest sign in the world.
I wish people understood better, but i can't expect them to, because i don't even understand.
But i can still wish that someone understood and knew exactly what to say all the time.
I find it hard to be around people sometimes simply because im in a strange mood, feeling like im on the verge of crying but not really there, like i could easy be pushed over the line, never like they could pull me back.
I wish there was someone who could pull me away from the edge, but there's no one.
Only person who could do that is the reason why i am so messed up right now. Not blaming him because he would never have left me if he had a choise.
Right now i want to sit on mumble with my guild but i know not everyone knows, there's so many new people and not everyone reads the forum either.. especially not 1 month old posts.
I am afraid of joining any other channel than the AFK-channel because im not feeling well today.
I wish there was a channel there just for me when i want to have people around but i want them to be carefull and think about what they say. Yeah it is asking for alot and it's not rational but nothing about my situation is rational other than the fact it isn't rational.. very confusing i know, emagine living with the confusion.. yeah that's right you'r lucky if your not..
I really do wish there was a channel for me on mumble when i feel like this, because i want to be social but i don't want people around who aren't understanding.. making jokes about cancer or even talking about cancer for that matter unless it's something personal, joking about death.. anything that MIGHT be insensetive towards me.
Maybe i should request my own channel.. thing is other people might want one too and not be too understanding if they don't know me. I don't think the officers would find it unreasonable though concidering they know what im going through and the reason behind me wanting one..
I just want somewhere i can sit and hope taht someone feels like talking to a mess of a person like me when i am in this kind of mood.
Strange entry this is.. just clearing my head a bit.
Found this Avril Lavigne song today.. it really hit home.
Dream
Last night i was dreaming about you. It was that kind of dream were you are dreaming in your dream.. Or more like you were a figment of my emagination in my dream..
I was the only one who could see you and touch you. My family didn't care that i was seeing things because it made me happy.
It was like revisiting a memory of when you were here.
I was the only one who could see you and touch you. My family didn't care that i was seeing things because it made me happy.
It was like revisiting a memory of when you were here.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Scent
Sometimes when im going to take some socks out of my dresser i can smell that one pair of them in there smells like your detergent.. I can't wear that pair simply because it smells like you and i don't wanna ruin it. I keep one pair in a plastic bag just for the reason that i want to keep the smell. I remember when you were here in my room with your luggage.. My hole room smelled like your detergent, it always makes me think of you.
Now i was actually trying to clean up a bit in my room and i wasn't thinking about you for a bit.. Then i picked up a skirt and threw it on the bed and when i did taht a wift of air went across my face and i smelled that this skirt had your detergent because the last time i washed it i was with you in Slovenia. So yeah then the waterworks instantly came over me and i had to stop cleaning, i wasn't prepared for it like i am with the sockdrawer so it kind of shocked me.
I miss you so much.
Now i was actually trying to clean up a bit in my room and i wasn't thinking about you for a bit.. Then i picked up a skirt and threw it on the bed and when i did taht a wift of air went across my face and i smelled that this skirt had your detergent because the last time i washed it i was with you in Slovenia. So yeah then the waterworks instantly came over me and i had to stop cleaning, i wasn't prepared for it like i am with the sockdrawer so it kind of shocked me.
I miss you so much.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Miss you
Last night i dreamt about your house.. About your family and friends.. It was sort of like a re-cap of your funeral.. I stood around that fence with your initials on it R.T.. And i cried.. next to me was Rahela crying too.
All i wanna dream about is you and i can't, i only dream about things that has to do with you but never actually you.
But i guess if i actually did dream about you then i would never get out of bed. On the other hand i'd prolly be sleeping alot more than i do now though. I miss you so much and no matter how much i try to not think about you when im going to sleep because it makes me cry, i can't. I start thinking about how you used to smell and how your back felt against my cheek and holding you hand and everything i can think of.. and when i try to think of your face infront of me.. i hit a wall and i start crying because it's too painfull because i miss you so much.
Someone screwed up my remittance to the psychologist too.. They were gonna try to hurry my case along even more but with my luck i get forgotten again.. that's how i feel.
If you were here you'd tell me to stop thinking like that, to stop being so negative eventhough you knew how much shit i've been through.. All you wanted was to see me smile. You knew i had a good reason for being so negative on things sometimes but you still tried to direct me away from the dark when i was going there..
Sometimes you were too harsh when you did so but in the end you always managed to pull me out of it. And now i really wish i had you here to do that for me.. to be strong for me when i can't.. But the thing is, you being taken from me is the reason im not able to be strong right now.
I miss you so much and i love you with all my heart.
All i wanna dream about is you and i can't, i only dream about things that has to do with you but never actually you.
But i guess if i actually did dream about you then i would never get out of bed. On the other hand i'd prolly be sleeping alot more than i do now though. I miss you so much and no matter how much i try to not think about you when im going to sleep because it makes me cry, i can't. I start thinking about how you used to smell and how your back felt against my cheek and holding you hand and everything i can think of.. and when i try to think of your face infront of me.. i hit a wall and i start crying because it's too painfull because i miss you so much.
Someone screwed up my remittance to the psychologist too.. They were gonna try to hurry my case along even more but with my luck i get forgotten again.. that's how i feel.
If you were here you'd tell me to stop thinking like that, to stop being so negative eventhough you knew how much shit i've been through.. All you wanted was to see me smile. You knew i had a good reason for being so negative on things sometimes but you still tried to direct me away from the dark when i was going there..
Sometimes you were too harsh when you did so but in the end you always managed to pull me out of it. And now i really wish i had you here to do that for me.. to be strong for me when i can't.. But the thing is, you being taken from me is the reason im not able to be strong right now.
I miss you so much and i love you with all my heart.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Talking to myself
I think the "denial" period is starting to end..
It's feeling more heavy than it did before and i think im slowly starting to actually realise he is gone.
A thought strikes about him and then it starts to feel hard to breathe.. even if i try to take a deep breath it doesen't help.. It's not a panic attack or hyperventilation coming on.. it's something else and right now i don't know what it is.. maybe it's anxiety?
It's been two weeks now since i saw the doctor and i still don't have an appointment with the psychologist. I hope i get one soon because it is very hard to go through this without having someone to talk to that can actually tell me what's going on and what i am supposed to do.
I have people to talk to but it's not the same.
Yesterday i was thinking about religion and faith in god.. After everything i don't even believe in god a little bit. I used to think that maybe there was a god but since everytime i pray it feels like no one hears me i came to the conclusion that no one hears me caus i am talking to myself...
I don't wanna label what i believe in and what i don't.. I guess christians would call me an atheist, i don't feel like im an atheist.. I wish i could believe in god because maybe that would take some of my pain away instead of carrying it all by myself.
For a moment before Tony passed i threw myself out to faith and thought maybe if i do believe, someone will hear my prayer.
I did believe with all my heart and prayed for him to get better. I prayed harder than i ever have for anything.
Nobody heard me...
So to me.. there is no god.
It's feeling more heavy than it did before and i think im slowly starting to actually realise he is gone.
A thought strikes about him and then it starts to feel hard to breathe.. even if i try to take a deep breath it doesen't help.. It's not a panic attack or hyperventilation coming on.. it's something else and right now i don't know what it is.. maybe it's anxiety?
It's been two weeks now since i saw the doctor and i still don't have an appointment with the psychologist. I hope i get one soon because it is very hard to go through this without having someone to talk to that can actually tell me what's going on and what i am supposed to do.
I have people to talk to but it's not the same.
Yesterday i was thinking about religion and faith in god.. After everything i don't even believe in god a little bit. I used to think that maybe there was a god but since everytime i pray it feels like no one hears me i came to the conclusion that no one hears me caus i am talking to myself...
I don't wanna label what i believe in and what i don't.. I guess christians would call me an atheist, i don't feel like im an atheist.. I wish i could believe in god because maybe that would take some of my pain away instead of carrying it all by myself.
For a moment before Tony passed i threw myself out to faith and thought maybe if i do believe, someone will hear my prayer.
I did believe with all my heart and prayed for him to get better. I prayed harder than i ever have for anything.
Nobody heard me...
So to me.. there is no god.
River flows in you
This is just one of the "classical" songs that Tony liked...
I found some translations for the lyrics to this song and what it means.
If there’s a road that’s made only for you
that road is inside your pure heart
if you can endure through this pain
Than just put your soul into trusting..
holding you holding you
it’s in you, river flows in you
slowly, slowly, the river flows in me
holding you holding you
it’s in you, river flows in you
longing, waiting more, would we be there?
I would give my whole heart only to you
So that I can feel you always
If you can hold on into it just a bit longer
Than try to put your heart into it
holding you holding you
it’s in you, river flows in you
slowly, slowly, the river flows in me
holding you holding you
it’s in you, river flows in you
longing, waiting more, would we be there?
Miss you teddybear...
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Take me river carry me far.
Today my biggest achievement was to get out of bed.. managed to get up 3pm.
I have been sleeping because of the sleeping pill but the night has felt long..
Various dreams gas been going on all night. Some from too much Guildwars 2 and others because i feel asleep thinking of holding Tonys hand and laying my cheek on his back... Miss him so much.
I was dreaming about his friend and family and i think a little about him too but i can't remember my dreams anymore.
I just didn't want to get out of bed today, i wanted to sleep and just not excist in this world for a while, this world that doesen't have him in it anymore. I miss him so terribly today.
The song i listen to first everyday is River by LIGHTS, it's not sad but at the same time not too happy. Just feels fitting for my life right now.
I was writing a poem last night but the insperation ran away and it started to feel cheesy and grosse so i stopped. I saved it in a draft so maybe some day i can finnish it.
Today i could really need to do some laundry and i was thinking about taht before i went to bed last nigth but now im just out of energy.. maybe i can manage a load if i try..
This days breakfast wasn't the healthiest either.. I had one cup of chocolate pudding, but i don't think it matters much since my mum comes home from work after 4pm anyways, one hour of living on some pudding isn't that bad.
I have been sleeping because of the sleeping pill but the night has felt long..
Various dreams gas been going on all night. Some from too much Guildwars 2 and others because i feel asleep thinking of holding Tonys hand and laying my cheek on his back... Miss him so much.
I was dreaming about his friend and family and i think a little about him too but i can't remember my dreams anymore.
I just didn't want to get out of bed today, i wanted to sleep and just not excist in this world for a while, this world that doesen't have him in it anymore. I miss him so terribly today.
The song i listen to first everyday is River by LIGHTS, it's not sad but at the same time not too happy. Just feels fitting for my life right now.
I was writing a poem last night but the insperation ran away and it started to feel cheesy and grosse so i stopped. I saved it in a draft so maybe some day i can finnish it.
Today i could really need to do some laundry and i was thinking about taht before i went to bed last nigth but now im just out of energy.. maybe i can manage a load if i try..
This days breakfast wasn't the healthiest either.. I had one cup of chocolate pudding, but i don't think it matters much since my mum comes home from work after 4pm anyways, one hour of living on some pudding isn't that bad.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Facebook whiners
Some days i am wondering why i have facebook.. i mean i know i have it to stay in tough with friends and family.
But when i am wondering why i have it is because some people are just whining about everything and everyone.. actually most of the time my news page is filled up with negative thoughts and comment about such trivial things that it upsets me.
Well i know I am now whining about them but really come on!
There as so many things worse in life than getting a bad grade, getting a small injury, having people talk smack behind your back.. I can keep going and i am not singuling anyone out so if you feel hit then stop being narcissistic, not eveything is about you.
So much self pity over such small things when everything could be so much worse.. Why not stop and just appreciate the good things in life even if you are having a bad day. For most of you that is not alot to ask.
I know i am not very positive these day and i too pity myself for things and whine.. The difference is i do NOT put it all over facebook for everyone to feel sorry for me and write a comment saying something to inspire me. It makes me sick.. it really does make me sick seing all of the whine everyday over NOTHING.
How would you feel if i posted every bad thought i had on my facebook updates?
Would you even write anything more than maybe just a "<3", i don't think you would. You'd be uncomfortable and wishing that i would stop writing such dark things that shows up on YOUR newspage.
Well i wish the same to you. I wish you'd stop before you post something and ask yourself... why am i making this update?
You know half of the time i try to write some kind of update on my facebook it is very dark and negative and then i start thinking before i post.. "Why would i want other people to read this?" and i can't think of a good reason so i delete it, just like you should too!
If i need someone to listen i go to my mum or my dad or my friends... i don't need all of the 215 people connected to my facebook to read it. I don't need to wait for comments to drop in on that dark statement. I can just call someone and talk to them instead.
So stop being so egocentric and self pitying please because i am so sick of it!
Maybe you think im a hypicrit writing about it in my blog.. but that is just the thing. This is MY BLOG not my facebook page.. i don't force anyone to read this because it is not gonna pop up on the first thing you see on your facebook page.
So please stop forcing me to read all your negative crap because i got enough of that going on bymyself.
But when i am wondering why i have it is because some people are just whining about everything and everyone.. actually most of the time my news page is filled up with negative thoughts and comment about such trivial things that it upsets me.
Well i know I am now whining about them but really come on!
There as so many things worse in life than getting a bad grade, getting a small injury, having people talk smack behind your back.. I can keep going and i am not singuling anyone out so if you feel hit then stop being narcissistic, not eveything is about you.
So much self pity over such small things when everything could be so much worse.. Why not stop and just appreciate the good things in life even if you are having a bad day. For most of you that is not alot to ask.
I know i am not very positive these day and i too pity myself for things and whine.. The difference is i do NOT put it all over facebook for everyone to feel sorry for me and write a comment saying something to inspire me. It makes me sick.. it really does make me sick seing all of the whine everyday over NOTHING.
How would you feel if i posted every bad thought i had on my facebook updates?
Would you even write anything more than maybe just a "<3", i don't think you would. You'd be uncomfortable and wishing that i would stop writing such dark things that shows up on YOUR newspage.
Well i wish the same to you. I wish you'd stop before you post something and ask yourself... why am i making this update?
You know half of the time i try to write some kind of update on my facebook it is very dark and negative and then i start thinking before i post.. "Why would i want other people to read this?" and i can't think of a good reason so i delete it, just like you should too!
If i need someone to listen i go to my mum or my dad or my friends... i don't need all of the 215 people connected to my facebook to read it. I don't need to wait for comments to drop in on that dark statement. I can just call someone and talk to them instead.
So stop being so egocentric and self pitying please because i am so sick of it!
Maybe you think im a hypicrit writing about it in my blog.. but that is just the thing. This is MY BLOG not my facebook page.. i don't force anyone to read this because it is not gonna pop up on the first thing you see on your facebook page.
So please stop forcing me to read all your negative crap because i got enough of that going on bymyself.
Monday, September 3, 2012
No air
I thought i was doing a little better until yesterday... I think my mind is blocking things for me because it is far too much for me to handle... It's like those multipersonality disorder people that creates a second person to deal with the trauma that is too much for them to handle.. Except there is no extra people in my head, just a wall, a barrier that i can feel but i can't get through.
Yesterday i had a panic attack.. I am usually able to stop them before they break out but it came over me so fast i was gasping for air before i even knew what was happening.
Strange what was going through my mind when it happened.. i was showering and all of a sudden i hear myself making this strange noise and then i realise that i am taking very short breaths and that is what the sound is coming from.
I know this isn't good and i know what is happening so i sit down in the shower with the water still running.. i think to myself that i need to hold something in my hands to ground me to reality so i hold my shampoo bottle as i try to calm myself. When i stopped gasping for air and start crying instead i turn off the water and wait till i can get myself back together and stand up again... I've never felt so lonely as i did during this ordeal that felt like forever but was propobly over within a minuit.
I felt lonely eventhough there are people in the house, i felt lonely caus i was missing him.
I don't like the thought of not being able to access all my feelings eventhough it is propobly for the best. I've never been through something like this.. that i can't access all my feelings that is, i know they are there i just can't get a hold of them no matter how much i want to. I hope when i finally get to talk to someone that i can straighten some of these feelings and thoughts out that im having and eventually being able to access the rest of the stuff hiding somewhere in the back of my mind. Analysing myself isn't really good and i know that but it's something i can't help because i have been doing it my whole life.
Analysing this and knowing that something strange is going on in my mind and just knowing that doesen't solve it.. well it makes you feel kinda crazy eventhough i know im not, that it's propably a part of the griefing.
It is far too much for one person to take..
Maybe reading this for someone that isn't me and never been through this it seems very dark and perhaps crazy.. I just want you to know that i am OK. One day i will be allright again but right now i am just taking it moment by moment and day by day.
Just wanna end this post saying how happy i am that i have my family. My mum, dad and my brother caring so much for me and being here for me... well i know not everyone has that and i am truly gratefull for it
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Doctor
Been to the doctor today and got my note saying im sick so i can relax for 3 weeks without any pressure.
I also got some sleepingpills that i have to take for 2 weeks and a remittance to a psychologist.
I always had a hard time going to sleep and now it's been even worse.. When i was with Tony i could fall asleep within 10 minuits which is rare for me.
It's when i go to sleep that i feel the saddest, not talking to him before i go to bed and say goodnight is something i miss alot. So when i go to bed is when i think about him the most.
Last night i slept maybe 5 hours because im always a bit extra worried when i have to go to the hospital and see a doctor, even if i trust the doctor i went to today.
It feels good to have gotten this done now so i can relax for 3 weeks and get a professional to talk to about what im going through and how im feeling.
I also got some sleepingpills that i have to take for 2 weeks and a remittance to a psychologist.
I always had a hard time going to sleep and now it's been even worse.. When i was with Tony i could fall asleep within 10 minuits which is rare for me.
It's when i go to sleep that i feel the saddest, not talking to him before i go to bed and say goodnight is something i miss alot. So when i go to bed is when i think about him the most.
Last night i slept maybe 5 hours because im always a bit extra worried when i have to go to the hospital and see a doctor, even if i trust the doctor i went to today.
It feels good to have gotten this done now so i can relax for 3 weeks and get a professional to talk to about what im going through and how im feeling.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Tony...
I can still remember how your back felt on my cheek when i held you in bed.
I can still remember how your lips felt against mine when we kissed.
And i can also remember how it felt to hold your hand... How my hand looked like the smallest in the world in your big hands and how i couldn't curl my fingers around your hand because they were too short to reach around.
I know you never meant to leave me because you loved me like no one else has.
So i can't hate you for leaving me but i hate that you got taken from me.
I will always love you and you'll always be in my heart.
You always made me feel so beautifull and that i was perfect just the way i am.
With you i felt safe and happy... and loved.
Doing things without you and knowing i have to do that for the rest of my life is not easy..
In time it will get easier but i will always wish that you could be with me, right next to me.
I miss you so much...
-Rocket
I can still remember how your lips felt against mine when we kissed.
And i can also remember how it felt to hold your hand... How my hand looked like the smallest in the world in your big hands and how i couldn't curl my fingers around your hand because they were too short to reach around.
I know you never meant to leave me because you loved me like no one else has.
So i can't hate you for leaving me but i hate that you got taken from me.
I will always love you and you'll always be in my heart.
You always made me feel so beautifull and that i was perfect just the way i am.
With you i felt safe and happy... and loved.
Doing things without you and knowing i have to do that for the rest of my life is not easy..
In time it will get easier but i will always wish that you could be with me, right next to me.
I miss you so much...
-Rocket
Heavy mind
After loosing my boyfriend to cancer i have good days and bad days...
Today is a bad day..
I came home from Slovenia last night after i've been there since friday for his funeral.
I can say that their funeral was alot better than the ones we have in sweden.
Here you just go to the church and then afterwords you have some coffee and then you go home.
In slovenia we first was in the church and had the funeral ceremony that i assume is typical for catholics..In sweden we are protestants so it's a bit different. Afterwards we went to Tonys house to spread the ashes in their garden.. They put up a round fence in which they would spread the ashes.. There was a woman who had a speach were she talked about Tony and his family, his best friend and me.. Im not sure exactly what she said yet because it was in slovene but one of Tonys cousins is gonna translate it for me, i appreciate that very much. They spread the ashes inside the metal fence that had the letters R.T on it and then we all got to spread some white rose petals on the memorial to say goodbye to him. It was beautifull... during this ceremony we all supported eachother because it is very hard to say goodbye to someone so young.. and for me the person i love so much.
Afterwards i walked past it and said "Jag älskar dig" because that was the only thing going through my mind.. It was also what i always told him on the phone before he went into a coma.. That i loved him so, so much.
After we had dinner and wine and shared our memories and supported eachother.. i Stayed till midnight and then Tonys mom drove me and Marre to our hotel.
It felt good when i was in Slovenia, surrounded by his family and friends, it made me feel closer to him.
So today im having a bad day and i feel that my mind is very heavy today and im thinking about him alot and i miss him..
I will always miss him and love him but someday i know it's gonna get easier.
I decided to change this blog into something else so i can share how im feeling and my thoughts because i think it will be good for me, good for processing my grief in a healthy way.
Don't feel like writing more now so i'll stop until i feel like putting up something more.
My favourite song at the moment:
River - LIGHTS
Out across cities I see buildings turn into piles
and watch the world in wonder, as mountains turn into tiles,
And trees loosing their leaves and their faces becoming tired,
I wish I could discover something that doesn't expire,
Come stumble me.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
Such are the things that make a kingdom rumble and shatter,
The same dynamic that another day would never matter,
It really just depends on who's giving and who's receiving,
And things that don't make sense are always a little deceiving,
Come and humble me.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
I wanna go where you're going
a follower, following,
Changing, but never changed,
Claiming, but never claimed.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown.
put me in the undertow
Today is a bad day..
I came home from Slovenia last night after i've been there since friday for his funeral.
I can say that their funeral was alot better than the ones we have in sweden.
Here you just go to the church and then afterwords you have some coffee and then you go home.
In slovenia we first was in the church and had the funeral ceremony that i assume is typical for catholics..In sweden we are protestants so it's a bit different. Afterwards we went to Tonys house to spread the ashes in their garden.. They put up a round fence in which they would spread the ashes.. There was a woman who had a speach were she talked about Tony and his family, his best friend and me.. Im not sure exactly what she said yet because it was in slovene but one of Tonys cousins is gonna translate it for me, i appreciate that very much. They spread the ashes inside the metal fence that had the letters R.T on it and then we all got to spread some white rose petals on the memorial to say goodbye to him. It was beautifull... during this ceremony we all supported eachother because it is very hard to say goodbye to someone so young.. and for me the person i love so much.
Afterwards i walked past it and said "Jag älskar dig" because that was the only thing going through my mind.. It was also what i always told him on the phone before he went into a coma.. That i loved him so, so much.
After we had dinner and wine and shared our memories and supported eachother.. i Stayed till midnight and then Tonys mom drove me and Marre to our hotel.
It felt good when i was in Slovenia, surrounded by his family and friends, it made me feel closer to him.
So today im having a bad day and i feel that my mind is very heavy today and im thinking about him alot and i miss him..
I will always miss him and love him but someday i know it's gonna get easier.
I decided to change this blog into something else so i can share how im feeling and my thoughts because i think it will be good for me, good for processing my grief in a healthy way.
Don't feel like writing more now so i'll stop until i feel like putting up something more.
My favourite song at the moment:
River - LIGHTS
Out across cities I see buildings turn into piles
and watch the world in wonder, as mountains turn into tiles,
And trees loosing their leaves and their faces becoming tired,
I wish I could discover something that doesn't expire,
Come stumble me.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
Such are the things that make a kingdom rumble and shatter,
The same dynamic that another day would never matter,
It really just depends on who's giving and who's receiving,
And things that don't make sense are always a little deceiving,
Come and humble me.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
I wanna go where you're going
a follower, following,
Changing, but never changed,
Claiming, but never claimed.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown,
Put me in the undertow.
Take me river, carry me far,
Lead me river, like a mother,
Take me over to some other unknown.
put me in the undertow
Friday, August 3, 2012
Stronger..
Yes long time no writing.. AGAIN!
Im terrible at blogging.. i only do it when i feel like it so therefore sometimes im simply busy having a life instead:P
Been in slovenia with my boyfriend for about 5 weeks and i came home about a week ago so lots have been going on. I love him so much and i can't wait to see him again.
I started blogging now because i simply felt like it. I was bored and was jumping around on youtube and searching things until i eventually land on something that i want to watch or something that like now got me thinking.
I stumbled upon a Britney Spears song i listened to as a kid.
Funny enough a few years ago i would never admit to alot of people if i liked a britney song simply because i cared what people thought of me based on my music taste.. WHO CARES?!
Today i don't care, i can like whatever i want and it doesen't change who i am as a person. I also don't judge other people based on what type of music they like. Sure sometimes i don't understand why they like it but everyone has different tastes so i accept it.
So yes about this song, it got me thinking.
I was thinking what does this song mean to me?
I mean i undertsand that this song is propobly about a relationship between a couple.
But when i started thinking and wondering why i felt connected to it as a kid i suddenly realised why.
It was during the years when i was bullied and this was around the time when i was turning towards not blaming myself for being alone. I was blaming them for treating me bad and that i didn't deserve it.
And now when i listen to this song i realise i have really gotten from point A to B and i am stronger.
Sure nobody likes to be lonely but i am happy with myself. I don't really care what people think of me, if they don't like me it's their problem and if someone doesen't want to be my friend itäs really their loss.
"Hush, just stop
There's nothing you can do or say, baby
I've had enough
I'm not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I'm Stronger, than yesterday
Now it's nothing but my way
My loneliness ain't killing me no more"
Through my life when i've been treated bad by people i have always gotten up and gotten stronger everytime.
And today i can be happy on my own, i don't need someone else to make me happy. I make my own happiness.
And i think that's something to admire.. That today i am secure in my own skin and i am not affected by what someone might say about me or have said about me in the past.
I am stronger.
Im terrible at blogging.. i only do it when i feel like it so therefore sometimes im simply busy having a life instead:P
Been in slovenia with my boyfriend for about 5 weeks and i came home about a week ago so lots have been going on. I love him so much and i can't wait to see him again.
I started blogging now because i simply felt like it. I was bored and was jumping around on youtube and searching things until i eventually land on something that i want to watch or something that like now got me thinking.
I stumbled upon a Britney Spears song i listened to as a kid.
Funny enough a few years ago i would never admit to alot of people if i liked a britney song simply because i cared what people thought of me based on my music taste.. WHO CARES?!
Today i don't care, i can like whatever i want and it doesen't change who i am as a person. I also don't judge other people based on what type of music they like. Sure sometimes i don't understand why they like it but everyone has different tastes so i accept it.
So yes about this song, it got me thinking.
I was thinking what does this song mean to me?
I mean i undertsand that this song is propobly about a relationship between a couple.
But when i started thinking and wondering why i felt connected to it as a kid i suddenly realised why.
It was during the years when i was bullied and this was around the time when i was turning towards not blaming myself for being alone. I was blaming them for treating me bad and that i didn't deserve it.
And now when i listen to this song i realise i have really gotten from point A to B and i am stronger.
Sure nobody likes to be lonely but i am happy with myself. I don't really care what people think of me, if they don't like me it's their problem and if someone doesen't want to be my friend itäs really their loss.
"Hush, just stop
There's nothing you can do or say, baby
I've had enough
I'm not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I'm Stronger, than yesterday
Now it's nothing but my way
My loneliness ain't killing me no more"
Through my life when i've been treated bad by people i have always gotten up and gotten stronger everytime.
And today i can be happy on my own, i don't need someone else to make me happy. I make my own happiness.
And i think that's something to admire.. That today i am secure in my own skin and i am not affected by what someone might say about me or have said about me in the past.
I am stronger.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Who knew..
It's a song by pink that i stumbled upon on youtube today. I've heard it before but never really listened before.
It's about appreciating people while they are still around and i can relate to that. You never expect someone to dissapear from your life completely unless they are really old.
You expect them to be around, even if you don't speak anymore.
But you realise that isn't true until you actually loose someone unexpectedly.
Some people might relate this video to old lovers but for me i think about my friend Johannes because he really is gone.. My ex-boyfriends are still alive and therefore aren't truly gone.
I mean you can choose to talk to those people if you want to but when someone dies it's a one sided conversation when you talk to them.
I don't know if i believe in heaven but when it comes to Johannes i'd like to believe that he is in a good place and that he can actually hear me if i talk to him. People would prolly think i was crazy if they heard me when i do. Sometimes when i miss him i like to talk to him because it makes me feel better.
People grief in their own ways and that is what i do. 4 years ago when the car accident happened i wasn't talking to Johannes i was cursing at god or whatever it was that decided it was his time to go.
He was too young and i still think so, he had so much left to do in life.
Life isn't always fair and i don't always understand why some things are the way they are, but i've stopped wasting time asking why everytime something tragic happens to me.
It's okay to be sad or angry for a while but eventually you have to let it go and move on, it would be stupid not to live your life because of everything unfair that happens in a lifetime.
Back to topic.
I like this song and it makes me think of Johannes and how i never saw it coming.
What do you think about when you hear it?
It's about appreciating people while they are still around and i can relate to that. You never expect someone to dissapear from your life completely unless they are really old.
You expect them to be around, even if you don't speak anymore.
But you realise that isn't true until you actually loose someone unexpectedly.
Some people might relate this video to old lovers but for me i think about my friend Johannes because he really is gone.. My ex-boyfriends are still alive and therefore aren't truly gone.
I mean you can choose to talk to those people if you want to but when someone dies it's a one sided conversation when you talk to them.I don't know if i believe in heaven but when it comes to Johannes i'd like to believe that he is in a good place and that he can actually hear me if i talk to him. People would prolly think i was crazy if they heard me when i do. Sometimes when i miss him i like to talk to him because it makes me feel better.
People grief in their own ways and that is what i do. 4 years ago when the car accident happened i wasn't talking to Johannes i was cursing at god or whatever it was that decided it was his time to go.
He was too young and i still think so, he had so much left to do in life.
Life isn't always fair and i don't always understand why some things are the way they are, but i've stopped wasting time asking why everytime something tragic happens to me.
It's okay to be sad or angry for a while but eventually you have to let it go and move on, it would be stupid not to live your life because of everything unfair that happens in a lifetime.
Back to topic.
I like this song and it makes me think of Johannes and how i never saw it coming.
What do you think about when you hear it?
Monday, May 7, 2012
The "what ifs" are gone and all that remains is reality.
I've had 11-12 wonderfull days with a very wonderfull man.
He makes me happy and he makes me feel very special.
I don't mind that he lives on the other side of europe, i miss him ofcourse but it's all worth it.
In the end i know what we have is real, maybe realer than anything i've ever had, only time can tell.
He didn't want to leave me but RL calls and sometimes people needs to work.
I don't know how to describe it, it's so different from any other relationship i've had. Whilst i've been carefull he just threw himself into it to show me how sincere his feelings are.
He always said he never really wanted to have a girlfriend or a relationship until he fell for me.
He would do anything to be with me and that makes me feel very special.
He tells me how beautifull he thinks i am everyday, he tells me how much he loves me just as much as i tell him, though he said it first so i guess he got a higher score than me.
He is exactly what i need and im exactly what he need.
I say he has a very kind and warm heart but it is covered in steel, he tells me i live inside it.
He doesen't let everyone in
I've had 11-12 wonderfull days with a very wonderfull man.
He makes me happy and he makes me feel very special.
I don't mind that he lives on the other side of europe, i miss him ofcourse but it's all worth it.
In the end i know what we have is real, maybe realer than anything i've ever had, only time can tell.
He didn't want to leave me but RL calls and sometimes people needs to work.
I don't know how to describe it, it's so different from any other relationship i've had. Whilst i've been carefull he just threw himself into it to show me how sincere his feelings are.
He always said he never really wanted to have a girlfriend or a relationship until he fell for me.
He would do anything to be with me and that makes me feel very special.
He tells me how beautifull he thinks i am everyday, he tells me how much he loves me just as much as i tell him, though he said it first so i guess he got a higher score than me.
He is exactly what i need and im exactly what he need.
I say he has a very kind and warm heart but it is covered in steel, he tells me i live inside it.
He doesen't let everyone in
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
What if...
Sitting here with goo on my face, well it's not goo anymore since it's dried now.
My face is never flawless but i usually only have like one or a couple of blemishes but at the moment there's a freaking camp site on my chin. So typical when i REALLY don't want to have any at all.
Tomorrow is very important to me and i'd like to look the best but hey can't have it all.
Good thing i got such a great personality instead right?
Hey it's not the outside that counts but we all know we all want to portray ourselves the best we can be.
Tomorrow is the start of a great adventure im sure, well it's already started but it will be the kickoff so to speak.
I have so much hope but at the same time im holding a bit back incase it's not at all like i imagined it to be.
That's who i am, i never throw myself into things without thinking about the backside of the coin.
What if is something i ask myself alot and always have since i can remember having thoughts about love and life. When i was a child and then i mean a small child i didn't think about these things.
I remember that i thought a boy in my pre-school class was really cute caus he had these really long eyelashes and blue eyes.
Without a thought about "what if" i just asked him that classic thing you said to a person that u had a crush on when you were little, "kan jag få chans på dig?". I can't really find a good phrase to replace it with for you non swedish readers but it's basicly asking someone if they want to be your bf/gf.
So i asked this boy that in gym class while we were listening to the etacher talking. I just slid over to him on the floor and asked him... He said without hesitation... No.
Those who followed my blog before knows that i was bullied in school since first day of pre-school so no surprice he didn't even think about it.
I was concidered ugly and was told quite often that i was ugly aswell. I've seen pictures of those times and i have to say i was CUTE and BEAUTIFULL, those people only said that to hurt me.
But back on topic.
Back then before that i never gave it a second thought i just did whatever without asking "what if?".
I think that was the turnpoint in my life when i started asking myself that about boys that i liked.
I never again asked a boy to be my bf.. not until i was 15.
So here i am asking myself "what if" just to be prepared for the worst. But i am hoping for the best.
if i didn't hope for the best i might aswell give up on it all here and now.
Last year i got my heart broken, really badly. I lost the man i loved, my best friend and in my opinion my home. I concidered myself homeless for a while eventhough i had a roof over my head.
I really take the saying "home is where the heart lies" seriously because that is how i feel.
I swore to myself i was done, DONE. I was done with men and love and relationships.
I wasn't gonna get hurt like that ever again because i wasn't going to put myself in a situation were it can happen to me again.
But after a while the pain started to go away and i changed my mind on the matter.
I was still carefull with my heart though and still am.
So here's hoping that the "what ifs" is just that, a what if and nothing more.
My face is never flawless but i usually only have like one or a couple of blemishes but at the moment there's a freaking camp site on my chin. So typical when i REALLY don't want to have any at all.
Tomorrow is very important to me and i'd like to look the best but hey can't have it all.
Good thing i got such a great personality instead right?
Hey it's not the outside that counts but we all know we all want to portray ourselves the best we can be.
Tomorrow is the start of a great adventure im sure, well it's already started but it will be the kickoff so to speak.
I have so much hope but at the same time im holding a bit back incase it's not at all like i imagined it to be.
That's who i am, i never throw myself into things without thinking about the backside of the coin.
What if is something i ask myself alot and always have since i can remember having thoughts about love and life. When i was a child and then i mean a small child i didn't think about these things.
I remember that i thought a boy in my pre-school class was really cute caus he had these really long eyelashes and blue eyes.
Without a thought about "what if" i just asked him that classic thing you said to a person that u had a crush on when you were little, "kan jag få chans på dig?". I can't really find a good phrase to replace it with for you non swedish readers but it's basicly asking someone if they want to be your bf/gf.
So i asked this boy that in gym class while we were listening to the etacher talking. I just slid over to him on the floor and asked him... He said without hesitation... No.
Those who followed my blog before knows that i was bullied in school since first day of pre-school so no surprice he didn't even think about it.
I was concidered ugly and was told quite often that i was ugly aswell. I've seen pictures of those times and i have to say i was CUTE and BEAUTIFULL, those people only said that to hurt me.
But back on topic.
Back then before that i never gave it a second thought i just did whatever without asking "what if?".
I think that was the turnpoint in my life when i started asking myself that about boys that i liked.
I never again asked a boy to be my bf.. not until i was 15.
So here i am asking myself "what if" just to be prepared for the worst. But i am hoping for the best.
if i didn't hope for the best i might aswell give up on it all here and now.
Last year i got my heart broken, really badly. I lost the man i loved, my best friend and in my opinion my home. I concidered myself homeless for a while eventhough i had a roof over my head.
I really take the saying "home is where the heart lies" seriously because that is how i feel.
I swore to myself i was done, DONE. I was done with men and love and relationships.
I wasn't gonna get hurt like that ever again because i wasn't going to put myself in a situation were it can happen to me again.
But after a while the pain started to go away and i changed my mind on the matter.
I was still carefull with my heart though and still am.
So here's hoping that the "what ifs" is just that, a what if and nothing more.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Music the language i speak.
Music is such a big part of my life, i try to tell people that but i don't know if they actually understand what i mean.
If music was an actuall language it would be the most beautifull and honest language in the world.
With music you can express exactly how you feel, and even if you aren't able to make music on your own you can usually find that song that fits exactly how you feel if you just look around a little.
I do alot of music searching to find the song that fits the exact emotion im having that day.
Alot of the songs i link on facebook for example are songs that says something for me, something that i can't get said for some reason.
I think people who knows me very well know how hard it is for me to say and show some things for various reasons, most of them being past experience that didn't turn out so good.
Not saying that all songs i link are really connected with me, some i just like for the music.
I may seem like an open book to an outsider but my true friends and closest ones knows that there is more to me than i show, even if it might look like i tell people everything.
I can tell a complete stranger all sort of things about myself that someone else might find private and not shareable with just anyone.
Not saying that there is alot of things i hide from the world, but the few things i want to hide i hide very well.
But yeah back to music.
All of my life i've searched for songs that fits how i feel.
When i was having a really hard time in school from when i was 13-14 years old i used to listen to a tape with music everynight to fall asleep.
It had songs from a Absolute album, i don't remember which one but it contained alot of different songs from different artists.
I've had trouble sleeping for such a long time because i simply can't make my thoughts stop spinning due to all the worry i've had since quite an early age.
I think it started when i was 6 years old, when i joined my first pre-school class and i was singled out the very first day and was picked on and bullied throughout all of elementary school until i finnished 9:th grade at 15.
Music has been the thing that has kept me strong through alot of it.
I've always appreciated music but i never truly did until i was about 10, before that it was just songs you know.
Though at 10 i still hadn't gotten to the point where music had a deeper meaning for me.
I think that happened when i was 12 and my "best friend" "broke up" with me.
Such a lame thing right? I guess that's something kids do, now when im older i realise friendship doesen't work that way.
She was my only real friend and i guess she got tired of me for some reason.
She told me she didn't wanna be my friend anymore pretty much right before our 6:th grade graduation. After that we were to go to a new school in new classes and i did not like the unsetteling idea of not having a friend AT ALL when i came there. She pretty much broke my heart and i fought my tears a whole trainride home from Gävle to Kramfors whilst listening to that same old tape i fell asleep to.
This was the point when music truly became a comfort for me.
Sadly i've lost that tape but i suppose no one listenes to a walkman anymore anyways.
Might write some more about the meaning music has for me some other time but for now im gonna stop writinga nd go back to sleep.
Here's something for you, that is if someone reads my blog still.
Right here waiting - Richard Marx
And this is not a randome song..
If music was an actuall language it would be the most beautifull and honest language in the world.
With music you can express exactly how you feel, and even if you aren't able to make music on your own you can usually find that song that fits exactly how you feel if you just look around a little.
I do alot of music searching to find the song that fits the exact emotion im having that day.
Alot of the songs i link on facebook for example are songs that says something for me, something that i can't get said for some reason.
I think people who knows me very well know how hard it is for me to say and show some things for various reasons, most of them being past experience that didn't turn out so good.
Not saying that all songs i link are really connected with me, some i just like for the music.
I may seem like an open book to an outsider but my true friends and closest ones knows that there is more to me than i show, even if it might look like i tell people everything.
I can tell a complete stranger all sort of things about myself that someone else might find private and not shareable with just anyone.
Not saying that there is alot of things i hide from the world, but the few things i want to hide i hide very well.
But yeah back to music.
All of my life i've searched for songs that fits how i feel.
When i was having a really hard time in school from when i was 13-14 years old i used to listen to a tape with music everynight to fall asleep.
It had songs from a Absolute album, i don't remember which one but it contained alot of different songs from different artists.
I've had trouble sleeping for such a long time because i simply can't make my thoughts stop spinning due to all the worry i've had since quite an early age.
I think it started when i was 6 years old, when i joined my first pre-school class and i was singled out the very first day and was picked on and bullied throughout all of elementary school until i finnished 9:th grade at 15.
Music has been the thing that has kept me strong through alot of it.
I've always appreciated music but i never truly did until i was about 10, before that it was just songs you know.
Though at 10 i still hadn't gotten to the point where music had a deeper meaning for me.
I think that happened when i was 12 and my "best friend" "broke up" with me.
Such a lame thing right? I guess that's something kids do, now when im older i realise friendship doesen't work that way.
She was my only real friend and i guess she got tired of me for some reason.
She told me she didn't wanna be my friend anymore pretty much right before our 6:th grade graduation. After that we were to go to a new school in new classes and i did not like the unsetteling idea of not having a friend AT ALL when i came there. She pretty much broke my heart and i fought my tears a whole trainride home from Gävle to Kramfors whilst listening to that same old tape i fell asleep to.
This was the point when music truly became a comfort for me.
Sadly i've lost that tape but i suppose no one listenes to a walkman anymore anyways.
Might write some more about the meaning music has for me some other time but for now im gonna stop writinga nd go back to sleep.
Here's something for you, that is if someone reads my blog still.
Right here waiting - Richard Marx
And this is not a randome song..
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Long time
Wow been a really long time since i wrote something, so typical of me when it comes to blogging.
Playing Star Wars the old republic atm, really fun game but sadly was released way too soon since it has alot of context missing that you are used to in other MMO's laso tehre is lots of bugs and glitches so i hope this game can survive the year and keep on developing.
Found myself feeling like i want get back to getting creative again, not painting or writing songs though. I want to make cupcakes and sushi lol, haven't done any of that YET though.
Also when i got a bit more cash i want to buy some fimo clay and start creating little characters and other fun things and make them into necklaces and keychains and stuff.
So yeah things that i have to make with my hands and that acquires several tools.
Well that's it for this time, hope i'll write something more soon.
The song that i've been listening to alot lately.
Greenday - Waiting
Playing Star Wars the old republic atm, really fun game but sadly was released way too soon since it has alot of context missing that you are used to in other MMO's laso tehre is lots of bugs and glitches so i hope this game can survive the year and keep on developing.
Found myself feeling like i want get back to getting creative again, not painting or writing songs though. I want to make cupcakes and sushi lol, haven't done any of that YET though.
Also when i got a bit more cash i want to buy some fimo clay and start creating little characters and other fun things and make them into necklaces and keychains and stuff.
So yeah things that i have to make with my hands and that acquires several tools.
Well that's it for this time, hope i'll write something more soon.
The song that i've been listening to alot lately.
Greenday - Waiting
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
New header
I made a new header in photoshop. Had some fun with some pictures and writing also made it a different size than the last one.
Mostly what i did with the pictures was to resize them and cut them out from background and change their colours and such.
Hope you like it.
Mostly what i did with the pictures was to resize them and cut them out from background and change their colours and such.
Hope you like it.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Teen Movies
I've been watching some swedish teen movies lately.
When i think about it i like watching teen movies now and then, and when i think about it and compare swedish ones to the american i can see that they are very different. Not just when it comes to language and scenery ofcourse, but also the point of the movie. In americans it's alot about being popular or becoming popular. In the swedish ones it's alot about the real struggle that especially girls have in their adolescence.
It's about real bullying and sexual harassment that girls goes through.
In american ones it feels very glittery and boys boys boys oriated, or as i said about becoming popular.
It just screams alot of hollywood.
Swedish teen movies feels real. I've seen things from sexual preferences like being a lesbian to wanting to commit suicide from bullying. This is what swedish teen movies are about. About being missunderstood and just looking for acceptance.
I think any girl would be able to relate to these movies when they think about how it was when they were 12-15.
I lost my train of thought here but basicly i like these movies and that the swedish ones are better.
A scene from Fucking Åmål.
Agnes is a lesbian that hasn't come out yet but people talk about it.
The girl in the wheelchair was her best friend. She just like alot of other people try to become more popular by putting down someone else.
When i think about it i like watching teen movies now and then, and when i think about it and compare swedish ones to the american i can see that they are very different. Not just when it comes to language and scenery ofcourse, but also the point of the movie. In americans it's alot about being popular or becoming popular. In the swedish ones it's alot about the real struggle that especially girls have in their adolescence.
It's about real bullying and sexual harassment that girls goes through.
In american ones it feels very glittery and boys boys boys oriated, or as i said about becoming popular.
It just screams alot of hollywood.
Swedish teen movies feels real. I've seen things from sexual preferences like being a lesbian to wanting to commit suicide from bullying. This is what swedish teen movies are about. About being missunderstood and just looking for acceptance.
I think any girl would be able to relate to these movies when they think about how it was when they were 12-15.
I lost my train of thought here but basicly i like these movies and that the swedish ones are better.
A scene from Fucking Åmål.
Agnes is a lesbian that hasn't come out yet but people talk about it.
The girl in the wheelchair was her best friend. She just like alot of other people try to become more popular by putting down someone else.
Long time
Yeah it's been a long time now since i blogged, was gonna write some entrys but simply forgot.
I've been meaning to write about alot of things but as time has passed since then it feels like it's a bit out of date.
I've been using twitter and facebook instead to get my ideas out there.
Small posts with my thoughts now and then.
Hopefully i will get back into blogging again so this blog doesn't die just like my other ones have.
I've been meaning to write about alot of things but as time has passed since then it feels like it's a bit out of date.
I've been using twitter and facebook instead to get my ideas out there.
Small posts with my thoughts now and then.
Hopefully i will get back into blogging again so this blog doesn't die just like my other ones have.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Sortingbox
I've recently realised that when it comes to relationships, none of the guys are like the other.
It's like a sortingbox.
You pick up a square block and you try to fit it into the hole.
If it doesen't fit you don't just turn it to the other side and try again, you try another shape.
I think this is a smart thing to do, because if the last relationship didn't work why would you be with someone just like the last one and think it's gonna work out?
I think finding someone else not like the other is a good thing, as long as it's a good guy.
Because if you pick a different shape you will eventually find one that fits.
It's like a sortingbox.
You pick up a square block and you try to fit it into the hole.
If it doesen't fit you don't just turn it to the other side and try again, you try another shape.
I think this is a smart thing to do, because if the last relationship didn't work why would you be with someone just like the last one and think it's gonna work out?
I think finding someone else not like the other is a good thing, as long as it's a good guy.
Because if you pick a different shape you will eventually find one that fits.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Snap and crack!
Hurt my back sometime earlier this week and it's been a bitch.
First i just had a back ache on the middle of my back slightly below the shoulder blades, since iw as sick tho i sneezed a bazillion times as i do when i sneeze (normal people sneeze like 3 times).
When i was sneezing i ofcourse moved my head and my back started to hurt more. I didn't think it was super bad as i've had back problems since i was 15, it makes you realise when something is really wrong or if it will just go away with some pain killers.
One or two days after that i was loading the dishwasher and i coughed. As i coughed i moved my head forward in a fast motion and i heard and felt a crackle going through my spine from my neck down to the middle of my back. It hurt so bad i couldn't move, i instantly strated to cry from the pain and i usually don't cry when im in pain but this was terrible.
Managed to drag myself to my bed and lay down for a while till it had setlled a bit, then i managed to go and get some painkillers and then lay down again.
Yesterday i went to the chiropractor for the first time and she snapped and crackled a whole bunch of things , no wonder i was in pain lol.
Now i feel better but my muscles still hurts alot so still taking lots of paracetamol, atleast i don't feel like killing myself anymore.
First i just had a back ache on the middle of my back slightly below the shoulder blades, since iw as sick tho i sneezed a bazillion times as i do when i sneeze (normal people sneeze like 3 times).
When i was sneezing i ofcourse moved my head and my back started to hurt more. I didn't think it was super bad as i've had back problems since i was 15, it makes you realise when something is really wrong or if it will just go away with some pain killers.
One or two days after that i was loading the dishwasher and i coughed. As i coughed i moved my head forward in a fast motion and i heard and felt a crackle going through my spine from my neck down to the middle of my back. It hurt so bad i couldn't move, i instantly strated to cry from the pain and i usually don't cry when im in pain but this was terrible.
Managed to drag myself to my bed and lay down for a while till it had setlled a bit, then i managed to go and get some painkillers and then lay down again.
Yesterday i went to the chiropractor for the first time and she snapped and crackled a whole bunch of things , no wonder i was in pain lol.
Now i feel better but my muscles still hurts alot so still taking lots of paracetamol, atleast i don't feel like killing myself anymore.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Posting comments
It has come to my attention that some people may not have been able to post comments on my blog.
Funny enough eventhough this is a google account blog you can't post comments at the moment with Chrome (lol).
So if you wanna post a comment to any of my posts and it doesen't work, try another browser.
I know it works with Firefox and Explorer but could possibly work with others too, i just know there is a problem with Chrome.
Funny enough eventhough this is a google account blog you can't post comments at the moment with Chrome (lol).
So if you wanna post a comment to any of my posts and it doesen't work, try another browser.
I know it works with Firefox and Explorer but could possibly work with others too, i just know there is a problem with Chrome.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Request
I had a fun idea the other day.
I always wanted to make a cover of one of my favourite bands Heyhihello but never knew what song to pick.
So i went on their facebook page and asked on their wall. And they actually replied.
It looked like this:
So yeah i am working on Nothing at All by Heyhihello for my next cover, very nice song but i need to work on it alot as i usually sing songs with a bit lower tempo :)
I always wanted to make a cover of one of my favourite bands Heyhihello but never knew what song to pick.
So i went on their facebook page and asked on their wall. And they actually replied.
It looked like this:
So yeah i am working on Nothing at All by Heyhihello for my next cover, very nice song but i need to work on it alot as i usually sing songs with a bit lower tempo :)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Hate feeling sick
Today i don't feel well at all... Hope i feel better in a couple of hours or i can't go to zumba, guineapigs.will be suffering from this too caus unless i feel better soon the cleaning of their cage will have to wait till tomorrow.
Yesterday was a good day though. Got to see Marre and Alex some more before they leave again. Really wish we lived closer to eachother.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Mustache party!
Had a great time today together with my friends Cicci, Fritte, Marre and Alex and ofcourse my BFF Lilly (Cicci and Frittes daughter).
Started with a phone call from Marre saying they would come into town around 15:45.
So ofcourse i came there around the same time and saw them walking on the side car when my dad drove them by when he was gonna drop me off.
It was a great hugfestival in the middle of the street.
The evening was spent laughing and eating REALLY good food, cooked by the amazing Cecilia.
The entertainment of the evening was their 2year old daughter Lilly, she is an amazing little person.
We tried out mustaches, took funny pictures and had dessert.
After that we watched a movie in the livingroom whilst eating some snacks and drinking coke.
All in all it was a great evening with some really good friends.
Started with a phone call from Marre saying they would come into town around 15:45.
So ofcourse i came there around the same time and saw them walking on the side car when my dad drove them by when he was gonna drop me off.
It was a great hugfestival in the middle of the street.
The evening was spent laughing and eating REALLY good food, cooked by the amazing Cecilia.
The entertainment of the evening was their 2year old daughter Lilly, she is an amazing little person.
We tried out mustaches, took funny pictures and had dessert.
After that we watched a movie in the livingroom whilst eating some snacks and drinking coke.
All in all it was a great evening with some really good friends.
Friends..
It is late, i can not sleep because i've been up so long last week doing homework especially these last few days.
Friends... I've had a few over the years.
When i was little it was they neighbour girls.. or atleast i thought they were my friends and a boy named Simon at my childminder.
When i started school i suddenly found myself without friends. This is why i said or atleast i thought those neighbour girls were my friends, because while one moved away the other one was actually in my class. She didn't do anything at all to help me when my classmates started picking on me and bullying me, i guess she wanted to be popular or was just to dumb to see.
Today i think she was the worst one tbh, ones she gave me a tip about my clothes. You know to make me blend in i should follow the trends like the rest of the airheads.
They weren't really stupid or anything but i'd say they are very ignorant and with a low EQ (emotional quality).
Ever since i started my first day of pre-school till i finnished 9:th grade i never had a real friend. Sure i had friends, even ones i called bestfriends but they weren't real. One told me that since we were only friends anyways caus we didn't have anyone else, she would propobly not hang out with me anymore when we transfered to our new school in 4:th grade. After that i didn't wanna hang out with her anymore. I may have been lonely and bullied but i wouldn't let anyone talk to me like that and still hang out with them. I got way more self respect than that.
The other "besty" i had "dumped" me close to our graduation in 6:th grade leaving me alone to attend Highschool (age 13-15). Had a few friends that came and went then too that wasn't really real either. To think about it the only friend i've had that has stayed with me for a long time is my cousin. She was my best friend when i was yuonger eventhough she is 5 years younger than me. Ofcourse we drifted a bit apart when she started school and i got my first boyfriend and all but i still concider her my friend.
This post may seem very negative but im coming to the good part.
When i started Gymnasium at 16 it turned around for me.
I started hanging out with a girl in my class that was a bit different just like me.
She then introduced me to my friends maria and Maria who introduced us to more people.
These people that i became friends with then are still alot of my closest friends today and they in turn have made me find even more friends.
These people are true friends because no matter how long time we spend apart we are still really good friends when we see eachother again.
I love you guys <3
Here you go have a good laugh
Must be one of the lamest songs in swedish history but this was the song i thought about related to friends.
Friends... I've had a few over the years.
When i was little it was they neighbour girls.. or atleast i thought they were my friends and a boy named Simon at my childminder.
When i started school i suddenly found myself without friends. This is why i said or atleast i thought those neighbour girls were my friends, because while one moved away the other one was actually in my class. She didn't do anything at all to help me when my classmates started picking on me and bullying me, i guess she wanted to be popular or was just to dumb to see.
Today i think she was the worst one tbh, ones she gave me a tip about my clothes. You know to make me blend in i should follow the trends like the rest of the airheads.
They weren't really stupid or anything but i'd say they are very ignorant and with a low EQ (emotional quality).
Ever since i started my first day of pre-school till i finnished 9:th grade i never had a real friend. Sure i had friends, even ones i called bestfriends but they weren't real. One told me that since we were only friends anyways caus we didn't have anyone else, she would propobly not hang out with me anymore when we transfered to our new school in 4:th grade. After that i didn't wanna hang out with her anymore. I may have been lonely and bullied but i wouldn't let anyone talk to me like that and still hang out with them. I got way more self respect than that.
The other "besty" i had "dumped" me close to our graduation in 6:th grade leaving me alone to attend Highschool (age 13-15). Had a few friends that came and went then too that wasn't really real either. To think about it the only friend i've had that has stayed with me for a long time is my cousin. She was my best friend when i was yuonger eventhough she is 5 years younger than me. Ofcourse we drifted a bit apart when she started school and i got my first boyfriend and all but i still concider her my friend.
This post may seem very negative but im coming to the good part.
When i started Gymnasium at 16 it turned around for me.
I started hanging out with a girl in my class that was a bit different just like me.
She then introduced me to my friends maria and Maria who introduced us to more people.
These people that i became friends with then are still alot of my closest friends today and they in turn have made me find even more friends.
These people are true friends because no matter how long time we spend apart we are still really good friends when we see eachother again.
I love you guys <3
Here you go have a good laugh
Must be one of the lamest songs in swedish history but this was the song i thought about related to friends.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Old project
This is the video i made a few months ago. It is far away from perfect and i kept going back and forth about posting it on youtube and not.
I decide to do it just to get over that threshold i had in my head about it having to be absolutely perfect.
Next time im sure it will be better than this one because with every month that passes i do believe i get better at singing and better at relaxing my voice when the camera is on. I guess you can say it was a part of a learning experience. Atleast it's not terrible :)
I decide to do it just to get over that threshold i had in my head about it having to be absolutely perfect.
Next time im sure it will be better than this one because with every month that passes i do believe i get better at singing and better at relaxing my voice when the camera is on. I guess you can say it was a part of a learning experience. Atleast it's not terrible :)
No school = new projects!
Okay so i think i've decided on the next song i want to cover for my youtube account.
The song is "Face up - LIGHTS" i chose this song because it fits me in what it means.
So im gonna start pracitising it starting the way i always do it, lyrics.
Memorizing the lyrics is very important in order to be able to personalise it isntead of focusing on reading a lyrics sheet.
I memorize song by repeating them over and over, both while im doing something else and also while im reading the lyrics to fully understand them.
After that it's tweeking the vocals with it and the step after that is recording it and finding a version that i like of the videos i've made :)
So keep a look out for a new video made by me.
LIGHTS - Face up
The song is "Face up - LIGHTS" i chose this song because it fits me in what it means.
So im gonna start pracitising it starting the way i always do it, lyrics.
Memorizing the lyrics is very important in order to be able to personalise it isntead of focusing on reading a lyrics sheet.
I memorize song by repeating them over and over, both while im doing something else and also while im reading the lyrics to fully understand them.
After that it's tweeking the vocals with it and the step after that is recording it and finding a version that i like of the videos i've made :)
So keep a look out for a new video made by me.
LIGHTS - Face up
School
Finally i am done with the last of my remaining school works, tomorrow i will go to the unemployment agency and sign in.
I never wish to set my foot in highschool again lol.
It has been a stressfull semester and i've barely been able to hang on to my sanity.
Now i am free caus i finally finnished Math B, which was the main reason for me doing "komvux".
Now i can apply to university next semester and actually be able to qualify for the socialworker program and alot of other programs if i decide there is something mroe i want to do with my better grades now.
I will also ofcourse keep applying for the music schools that i wanna go to in hope of finally getting in and get some proffessional training for my vocals. I mean they are quite nice now but i think any trained ear can hear that i have no idea what im doing lol, im just winging it.
I never wish to set my foot in highschool again lol.
It has been a stressfull semester and i've barely been able to hang on to my sanity.
Now i am free caus i finally finnished Math B, which was the main reason for me doing "komvux".
Now i can apply to university next semester and actually be able to qualify for the socialworker program and alot of other programs if i decide there is something mroe i want to do with my better grades now.
I will also ofcourse keep applying for the music schools that i wanna go to in hope of finally getting in and get some proffessional training for my vocals. I mean they are quite nice now but i think any trained ear can hear that i have no idea what im doing lol, im just winging it.
For those who knows yes a new one... again
Yeah i know i keep making new blogs for different reasons, and all are in english so im sorry my fellow swedes but i like if all my friends can read what i say without google translate ;)
So this is my first post and they are always really dull and basic, just stating the new blog pretty much.
I will be writing about alot of things, nothing specific. Could be about games, music or about my friends and family. Whatever i choose to write about.
Enjoy!
So this is my first post and they are always really dull and basic, just stating the new blog pretty much.
I will be writing about alot of things, nothing specific. Could be about games, music or about my friends and family. Whatever i choose to write about.
Enjoy!
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