What if...

Sitting here with goo on my face, well it's not goo anymore since it's dried now.
My face is never flawless but i usually only have like one or a couple of blemishes but at the moment there's a freaking camp site on my chin. So typical when i REALLY don't want to have any at all.
Tomorrow is very important to me and i'd like to look the best but hey can't have it all.
Good thing i got such a great personality instead right?
Hey it's not the outside that counts but we all know we all want to portray ourselves the best we can be.

Tomorrow is the start of a great adventure im sure, well it's already started but it will be the kickoff so to speak.
I have so much hope but at the same time im holding a bit back incase it's not at all like i imagined it to be.
That's who i am, i never throw myself into things without thinking about the backside of the coin.
What if is something i ask myself alot and always have since i can remember having thoughts about love and life. When i was a child and then i mean a small child i didn't think about these things.

I remember that i thought a boy in my pre-school class was really cute caus he had these really long eyelashes and blue eyes.
Without a thought about "what if" i just asked him that classic thing you said to a person that u had a crush on when you were little, "kan jag få chans på dig?". I can't really find a good phrase to replace it with for you non swedish readers but it's basicly asking someone if they want to be your bf/gf.
So i asked this boy that in gym class while we were listening to the etacher talking. I just slid over to him on the floor and asked him... He said without hesitation... No.
Those who followed my blog before knows that i was bullied in school since first day of pre-school so no surprice he didn't even think about it.
I was concidered ugly and was told quite often that i was ugly aswell. I've seen pictures of those times and i have to say i was CUTE and BEAUTIFULL, those people only said that to hurt me.

But back on topic.
Back then before that i never gave it a second thought i just did whatever without asking "what if?".
I think that was the turnpoint in my life when i started asking myself that about boys that i liked.
I never again asked a boy to be my bf.. not until i was 15.

So here i am asking myself "what if" just to be prepared for the worst. But i am hoping for the best.
if i didn't hope for the best i might aswell give up on it all here and now.
Last year i got my heart broken, really badly. I lost the man i loved, my best friend and in my opinion my home. I concidered myself homeless for a while eventhough i had a roof over my head.
I really take the saying "home is where the heart lies" seriously because that is how i feel.

I swore to myself i was done, DONE. I was done with men and love and relationships.
I wasn't gonna get hurt like that ever again because i wasn't going to put myself in a situation were it can happen to me again.
But after a while the pain started to go away and i changed my mind on the matter.
I was still carefull with my heart though and still am.
So here's hoping that the "what ifs" is just that, a what if and nothing more.

Music the language i speak.

Music is such a big part of my life, i try to tell people that but i don't know if they actually understand what i mean.

If music was an actuall language it would be the most beautifull and honest language in the world.
With music you can express exactly how you feel, and even if you aren't able to make music on your own you can usually find that song that fits exactly how you feel if you just look around a little.

I do alot of music searching to find the song that fits the exact emotion im having that day.
Alot of the songs i link on facebook for example are songs that says something for me, something that i can't get said for some reason.
I think people who knows me very well know how hard it is for me to say and show some things for various reasons, most of them being past experience that didn't turn out so good.

Not saying that all songs i link are really connected with me, some i just like for the music.

I may seem like an open book to an outsider but my true friends and closest ones knows that there is more to me than i show, even if it might look like i tell people everything.
I can tell a complete stranger all sort of things about myself that someone else might find private and not shareable with just anyone.
Not saying that there is alot of things i hide from the world, but the few things i want to hide i hide very well.


But yeah back to music.
All of my life i've searched for songs that fits how i feel.
When i was having a really hard time in school from when i was 13-14 years old i used to listen to a tape with music everynight to fall asleep.
It had songs from a Absolute album, i don't remember which one but it contained alot of different songs from different artists.
I've had trouble sleeping for such a long time because i simply can't make my thoughts stop spinning due to all the worry i've had since quite an early age.
I think it started when i was 6 years old, when i joined my first pre-school class and i was singled out the very first day and was picked on and bullied throughout all of elementary school until i finnished 9:th grade at 15.

Music has been the thing that has kept me strong through alot of it.
I've always appreciated music but i never truly did until i was about 10, before that it was just songs you know.
Though at 10 i still hadn't gotten to the point where music had a deeper meaning for me.
I think that happened when i was 12 and my "best friend" "broke up" with me.
Such a lame thing right? I guess that's something kids do, now when im older i realise friendship doesen't work that way.
She was my only real friend and i guess she got tired of me for some reason.
She told me she didn't wanna be my friend anymore pretty much right before our 6:th grade graduation. After that we were to go to a new school in new classes and i did not like the unsetteling idea of not having a friend AT ALL when i came there. She pretty much broke my heart and i fought my tears a whole trainride home from Gävle to Kramfors whilst listening to that same old tape i fell asleep to.

This was the point when music truly became a comfort for me.
Sadly i've lost that tape but i suppose no one listenes to a walkman anymore anyways.


Might write some more about the meaning music has for me some other time but for now im gonna stop writinga nd go back to sleep.


Here's something for you, that is if someone reads my blog still.

Right here waiting - Richard Marx

And this is not a randome song..

Long time

Wow been a really long time since i wrote something, so typical of me when it comes to blogging.

Playing Star Wars the old republic atm, really fun game but sadly was released way too soon since it has alot of context missing that you are used to in other MMO's laso tehre is lots of bugs and glitches so i hope this game can survive the year and keep on developing.

Found myself feeling like i want get back to getting creative again, not painting or writing songs though. I want to make cupcakes and sushi lol, haven't done any of that YET though.
Also when i got a bit more cash i want to buy some fimo clay and start creating little characters and other fun things and make them into necklaces and keychains and stuff.
So yeah things that i have to make with my hands and that acquires several tools.

Well that's it for this time, hope i'll write something more soon.

The song that i've been listening to alot lately.


Greenday - Waiting