Last thing

Strange how i can go from one moment thinking about nothing in particular and then i suddenly start to think about Tony.
Well i do think about him alot ofcourse but not about anything in particular, i started thinking about the last few times that i spoke to him.. I can still only remember his voice saying one thing though and i'm sad that it was not I love you..i know he told me he loved me aswell but i can't remember his voice saying it. The last thing i remember him telling me was "I'm sick."
Terrible last thing to remember the person you love saying. I do remember him saying lots of other things to me during the time we were together so it's not like it's the only thing i remember his voice saying.
I mean you can remember whole conversations and such but actually remember the voice saying it is not as easy.

I try to think about him being sick as little as possible because there is no point in dwelling on it but it sneaks up on me now and then.

I miss him but i don't feel the need to cry anymore, it just is the way it is and tears won't change it.
I take comfort in thinking about how happy he would be seeing me being happy and smiling and having a life.
He wouldn't want me to be sad and have his tragedy holding me back in life, he would want me to move on and make as much out of life as i can.
I will always love him but my heart is big enough to make room for someone else in it too, i don't have to feel like i'm abandoning him if i choose to let someone else in aswell.

A new year

So it is now officially 2014.
Closing in on new years eve I thought back on this year and realized so many positive things has happened this year.
And then I thought about 2012 and what I said about that year.. It was both amazing and horrible, starting out great to end in grief, anxiety and depression.
By the time 2013 came I was starting to slowly come back to my old self but I still had a long way to go but i was finally ready to take charge of my life again.
I got an intern-ship at Anybody and stayed there till June and after that I got to work full-time over the summer, during my intern-ship i applied for University's all over the country and got accepted to Umeå University to study language. During this time I was at Anybody i started to find my social confidence again and actually becoming this positive, outgoing piece of sunshine that i used to be.
After the summer i moved to Umeå to start my new life as a student in a new city, it's one of the best things I've done in my life.
New surroundings, new friends and living on my own.

After living there for about a month I start thinking to myself and realize I am more myself than I have been since I was a child, before school broke me down, before people broke me down before life kept kicking me in the face.
I feel genuinely positive about life and my bold, smiling and strong personality that I was born with had come back to me and no one was trying to break me down, people accepted me the way I was instead of trying to force me to be like them or less.

I start breaking down the few walls and obstacles i had left since Tony passed away, i wasn't afraid to be in a room full of people i did not know, not afraid to go for what I want, speak my mind and most importantly not be afraid of people in general.
I used to barely not be able to sit in a waiting room with more than 1 person besides myself.  


So what do I want out of 2014?
I want to be even better.
My resolution will be to open up more and not be afraid to show emotions and say how I really feel about things.
It will be hard to beat 2013 if you think about how much it has changed me and my life for the better but I am hoping 2014 will follow the same path.