Sometimes i wish i could look into my mirror and ask questions to myself, and get a response from my reflection.
I wish my reflection was the core of me, the one who knew exactly what i was feeling and what i want to know but can not figure out.
I used to be so sure of myself, so sure about everything that i wanted and what i felt.
Remember when you were 5 years old?
Didn't you know exactly what you wanted for your birthday and how you felt about everyone around you?
Didn't you know what you wanted to be when you grew up?
Then what happened?
Life happened.
With every bad encounter in your life you start doubting things that you know, things that you know about yourself.
So wouldn't it be great if you could actually talk to who you are deep within without all the noise?
I have been thinking a while about making a blog entry like this but I've been feeling a bit ashamed actually about showing pictures from when i was bigger, just like i thought about deleting them from my facebook so many times. But i keep coming back to the thought that the past is the past and that you should look forward and not backwards. Everything i have done in my past has led me to where i am at now. I shouldn't be ashamed of how i looked then but i am very proud of how far i have gotten since then.
I am not saying there is anything wrong with being of a larger size as long as you are healthy and happy but i used to be an athlete when i was younger.
So for a long time i hated my body since i started gaining weight a few years ago. Eventually as I've mentioned in this blog i decided to do something about it. I am now down to 70 kg's and so proud of it, i feel happy and comfortable in my own skin again. All that's left to do is get back in shape as well.
So here is the picture of the Present and the Past that i have wanted to show for some time.
I always tell people the thing i respect the most is honesty, i think i got this from my mum.
No matter what you've done it is a thousand times better to tell her the truth than to lie about it because usually when you lie to someone..they find out! And if i were to lie to my mum about something because i don't want her to get mad or sad and she found out.. the lie hurt her more than the truth would have.
So like my mum i respect people who are honest with me.
To me honesty is when you tell someone the truth, and no you are not honest by hiding the truth either.
Lying is the opposite of honesty but honesty is also telling people what you think.
Not telling your friend for example that a certain dress looks horrible on her is not helping, just be honest and say your opinion about it. Most of my friends love that about me and find it refreshing and they know if they don't want the truth then they shouldn't ask me about it either.
I don't know how much i stress to people that i just want them to be honest with me.
If you think something about me then just tell me and if it's something bad then it can be worked out.
I will give you the same respect, i will always tell people what i think and why i think so.
Now I'm not saying that you should go around and insult people, that's not nice.
But be true to the people you care about.
I realize there are several people who think i might be aiming this blog post towards them but it is not meant to be a personal attack against anyone, it's just something i want to get off my chest.
I wish everyone could be more honest with each other, there would be so much less misunderstandings and hate going around.
I'm not perfect when it comes to this because i do tend to hide my emotions but whenever someone asks me about it i will be an open book and just say whatever I'm feeling or thinking about, i will most likely have a emotionless face or a smile when i say it though to not feel too exposed.
If you've ever seen me cry (and not because i have gotten physically hurt) you know you are one of the few people i trust enough to not hide what i am actually feeling and i love you < 3
I am finally starting to get better from my cold, although my cough is still bothering me while i am asleep.
I will wake up because i am coughing about 2 times.. takes forever to make it stop as well.
But i am finally starting to be able to function normal during the day and so i am going back to my routines again. I have been neglecting a few important things while i have been sick, such as my schoolwork, eating, cleaning and socializing. All of which i find quite important, some more than others but all very important.
So today i started doing some of my schoolwork but lost all my inspiration as i was about to start the major part of my assignment.. well i have till Wednesday to finish it so i am not stressing (yet).
I also cooked today, nothing special but i haven't actually cooked anything since last Monday, yeah horrible i know.
I have been eating terribly bad these last 2 weeks, first of all because i had no appetite and then because i didn't have any energy to actually cook something and also i didn't feel like standing in my dorm kitchen looking all gross (yes i am quite vain) and cough all over the place.
So tomorrow i will hopefully have some more inspiration so i can start doing my assignment and then i will also start cleaning my apartment because at the moment it's way too messy for my liking, although it does look clean compared to other homes i am sure.
So.. what have i done instead of my schoolwork then you might ask?
I have watched all of my Friday shows and naruto, listened to music and played Mario kart Double dash on my Gamecube i have also watched a whole lot of videos on YouTube.
I think when i have recovered from this cold in hopefully a few days and if i have done all my schoolwork i will start a project that i have been neglecting for a long time for various reasons, hopefully this time i will get around to do it.
Here's a song i have listened to today.
It is now quite old but i still love it!
Started to get a tickle in my throat on Monday and on Tuesday i was officially sick in my opinion (i couldn't speak), now i have a terrible cough and i just want it to go away..
I'm starting to doubt that i will be well enough tomorrow to go to Love & Lust at Five, that really sucks. Been looking forward to this event and even bought a ticket but at the moment it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to make it..
I have been coughing all night, up until the point that i can't catch my breath.
It's not so much that i feel tired though just that i can not go without coughing for 5 minutes. Hopefully i'll be feeling a bit better tomorrow though so i can at least try to go, i mean i can always go home if i don't feel well.
It would really suck if i miss it since it seems like it's going to be a blast.
A year ago i didn't like to go out and to parties because it wasn't fun for me but now i am pretty much out every weekend, having a blast.
It feels right and i am having a lot of fun but it's not making my schoolwork suffer either, i guess later on i might have to slow down if we get more to do in school.. Only thing making my schoolwork suffer at the moment is this stupid cold, can't really sit in the classroom and cough all the time while the teacher is trying to have a lecture, hopefully i haven't missed anything really important..
So now i have to get myself together so i can go and get some cough syrup.
When Tony passed away i decided to unpublish a lot of my old posts on the blog for some reason, at the moment i don't know why i did that but i guess i had my reasons which i don't remember anymore but i have now re-published them.
So here i am after a few month of silence from my blog.
A lot of things have happened and i would say that it has been great.
It's amazing how far you can go in a year when something so horrible happens in your life. To go from one point where you feel like you are never gonna be okay and that you are never going to be able to not cry for a day or a week.
I am in such a good place in my life right now and i try not to think about what my life could have been because there is nothing i can do to change the past so i live in the present and believe in the future that it will lead to.
This year 2013 is going to be great because i am more than halfway through and so many great things have happened.
To start mentioning the great things i have to start by mentioning a great person, a woman who never pushed me too far and helped me get some control back in my life. Inga-Lill.. I thank god i got her switched to be my agent at the unemployment agency, and as the swedes knows having a great agent is quite rare. The woman i had before her didn't know how to deal with me, i mean she is a nice person don't get me wrong but she could never understand what i was going through and what i needed. Inga-Lill never pushed me but she wasn't afraid to ask what i wanted to do. In February she suggested that we ask at Anybody if i can have an internship for 3 weeks, for me this was a test to see if i was ready to work again. She called them and asked about it and i went there and talked to the owner and we agreed that i was gonna work there for 3 weeks.. After a few weeks had passed Inga-Lill came into the store and talked to the owner, she asked him if he liked having me around and he did. She then talked to me about extending my internship if i wanted to and i said yes of course. So i ended up having a internship there from February to June and then i had a summer job there until August. I really loved working there and i wouldn't mind filling in if there is a need whenever i have time. It's a beauty supply store that also sells perfumes and health foods so it was something i was very interested in as well.
In July i got into University of Umeå! So then the apartment hunting started and at the moment i live in a dorm but it's only till February then i have to find somewhere else to live.
So now i am here in lovely Umeå studying to get a bachelor degree in language.. I'm gonna major in English and at the moment we are studying Linguistics.
I love it here and i feel like i fit right in which is a first for me, I've met a lot of amazing people and made a lot of friends.
I think it will only get better.
So was some time since i wrote.. The Nutrilett diet i was on for 3 weeks made me loose about 6 kg's in weight, during the time i also gained some more muscles than i had before.
I was overweight before eveything happened but i still had muscles but after everything that i went through since august my body was weak due to no excersice, in the beginning i didn't even really wanna leave the house let alone go for a walk.
So i started excersicing when i got used to my diet which was about the second week out of 3.
When i started i could do about 5minutes of Zumba on the Wii and then i was exhausted, quite sad i know.
Now i can do the full workouts but the damn game is lagging so haven't felt much like it lately.
I also did different excersices on Wii fit plus and some pushups from my bed to the floor.
I started an internship last monday at a beauty supply store her in town and it's so much fun!
But i have been exhausted when i've gotten home which isn't that strange since it was a long time since i worked. So my knees, back and feet are spent when i get home and i also feel very tired so haven't been excersicing any during the work days and my knee felt a bit wonky yesterday too so i only did some light step up and then some sit ups and push ups on the yoga mat, could only manage 10 "girly" push ups which amde me really realise how week i have gotten.
But everything is going great and im still loosing weight and that makes me feel alot happier with myself. I haven't changed my lifestyle that much, only switched things to low fat and high fibre in my diet and ofcource no deep fried things or regular coke. Now and then i do eat something really nice that isn't on my diet but that's ok as long as it's not that often, tops once per week.
I usually talk so much about how i hate fake sugar in diet sodas and such so i feel a bit hypocritical when i drink it now but thing is.. i do not want to give up coke, it's the thing i really enjoy when it comes to foods and drink and we all have one of them things that we just have to ahve now and then.
2-3 weekends after my extreme diet i did have a 6pack of regular coke as a treat over the weekend but i can't do that every weekend it's gonna completely ruin my balance for burning fat with all those liquid carbs so i started drinking coke zero instead when i want a coke, it's not the same but it is pretty close to regular coke and i know aspartam isn't healthy for you so don't drink as much as i did when iw as drinking coke everyday. My diet is about calories, not carbs or fat it's about how much energy you put in your body and the truth is that diet drinks only contains less than 1calorie per 100g so coke zero it is.
I will try to write more often so i don't have to make these big entrys everytime lol.
Bottom line was, im still loosing weight and it makes me happy to get the control of my body back to be the way i want it to be.
Will write more about other things some other day, hopefully not in a month this time.
I have been obsessed with my weight for such a long time.
About 2 years ago i became overweight, you know when you pass that line of normal and overweight compared to your height.
And it has been slowly haunting me ever since, telling myself how fat i look in certain clothing etc.
I wasn't happy with my size at all.
About a month or so ago i told myself enough! stop complaining and do something about it.
Before i have had other people who made me feel beautiful the way i was, i was relying on others to be ok with my body.
I have to be ok with my body and stop relying on others to do that for me and in order to do that i have to loose weight.
My obsessive thoughts about it will stop now because i am doing something about it.
I tried changing my habits with food and drinks but it wasn't working, or maybe not working fast enough.
I'd get on the scale and it would show no change at all or that i had gained weight.
So today (monday) i started a pretty radical diet to get a kickstart to motivate me to keep going.
I have started drinking nutrilett shakes and soups as a very low calorie diet, and i will be doing so for 3 weeks and after that i will slowly start eating solid food again with a concious mind of what i am eating, less fat, less sugar, more protein, fibre and vegetables.
I am taking charge of loving myself, inside and out.
I think i was about 73kg here.. that's where i'd like to be to be happy with myself completely.
