2012

2012...
I thought about it and i realised eventhough people would think i'd say it was the crappiest year of my life i can't say it was.. Yes i had the worst experience of my life this year but.. The first half was the best moments i've had in my life..
I got to see a wonderfull man that i loved for the first time and share his experiences of Sweden and i got to travel to beautifull and wonderfull Slovenia to see him and meet his family and friends.. He showed me many things when i was there and we were very happy together..

Then yes everything changed a month after i got home and i've been trying hard to keep myself together after that.. life is just not fair sometimes and you have to deal with it..or not but only the weak chooses not to and i have never been weak.

I still miss him.. but atleast now i can start thinking about our happy memories without feeling completely cold, lost and alone in the dark.
I still cry but only because i miss him.

I have gotten a long way in recovering from what i would call a great tragedy in my life.
I realise that i haven't written anything here in a very long time but i only write something when i want to get something out of me for everyone else to see.
I haven't had as much need to write about things since i've been seeing my psychiatrist, she has really helped me get through alot of struggles that i've been dealing with.
I haven't had a real panic attack in a long time now and i got the right tools to ease them if they start to come.
I am not as afraid of being around alot of people anymore and i challange myself with that whenever i can so i can get over my social phobia, children still frightens me though.. Don't think i've written alot about my social phobias.. didn't even realise what it was until i got a name put on what i was feeling. Yes children scare me.. it seems silly and i agree it is, it's not logical to be scared of children..
Let's just say it has to do with my past and leave it at that.

I am starting to see a future longer than tomorrow or next week in my life again, i don't know what it holds yet as i have not really decided that yet but i know it's there.
For the first time in my life i am doing what I want to do and not what i think other people expect me to do.. I have really realised it is MY life and not anyone elses, i should live it the way i want to.
After you truly understand that you start to feel less scared about things.
Im gonna start looking for jobs again soon, i did ones last week but after a while i started feeling stressed and paniced but it was a step in the right direction.
I want to have a job and make money because i want to be independant, i want to have a place of my own in a town that has things i enjoy such as dance and music amongst other things.
Or go to school because then i could also be independant.
I am alot better than i was 4 months ago but i still have things i need to deal with and ones im done with it all i can truly start my life again but i need to start living before that.


I miss Tony everyday and i will always love him and i will carry him with me my whole life.
He was strong and fearless when it came to alot of things, he was also smart and caring.
We tought eachother many things the short time we had with together and i do not regret any moment of it. If i was allowed to go back and know what would happen with him and choose to not be with him i would do it all again eventhough loosing him was the worst pain anyone could ever emagine.
I will honour his memory by being more fearless and embracing life.



I hope that 2013 will only bring me good things.. i hope everyone i love and care about will be healthy and i hope i will get to have more adventures and be happy.
And this sounds very selfish but i hope that the hardest part of my life is over now and from now on i only have good things looking ahead.


Anton Repina 89/01/09 - 12/08/17
I will try to live up to my nickname.. for you