Appointment

Finally got my appointment for the psuchologist.. allthough i have to wait till the 17:th of october..
Also got some sleeping pills that also helps against my anxiety.
Last night i actually fell asleep before 2am but i woke up at 14.30.. kinda needed the extra sleep though concidering how little iäve been sleeping especially this week.

Paradise

This was Tony's favourite Coldplay song.. It was also the song that kept repeating in my head all night i tried to sleep before i got the news that he had died..

I miss you so much my teddybear.. taking it one day at a time because that is all i can do for now.
I feel so hopeless right now.. wish i could just feel normal but i can't. No matter how much i want to be normal i can't. You can't force yourself to be fine no matter how much you want it.

Don't know at all what my future holds for me anymore.. Everytime i try to make something of myself i fail somehow.. tried to get a job but no one seems to even want to take me in for an interview.. Applied for music school but apparently wasn't quite good enough at singing to get in.. Read up my math grades and applied for university but not even that was enough.. After i failed that too you were the only thing i had to look forward to.. You were gonna move here ones you got a job, and knowing you you'd prolly have gotten one.. I was looking forward to living with you adn getting to see you everyday..
You were the only thing i saw in my future.. now i am stuck in the same place with nothing that i can see ahead of me.
Sure i know some day it will change, it must.
Right now i have nothing to race towards.. nothing to even walk to.. so i stay in the place.
Right now my future is completely unknown to me..

So for now i am stuck.. right here.. alone..
All i can do is take it one day at a time and keep breathing.

Ljubim te medvedek..

All these pillows..

Dreamt about you a bit last night.. i don't remember much of it but i remember we were lying in bed and you asked me if there was any more pillows.
You used to sleep with so many pillows.
One or two for your head, one between you knees and then you prefered to have one for each of your arms to rest on...
Never seen a person that needed so many pillows in bed.. <3 br="br">

Understanding

Sometimes i wish i could wear a sign on me or something to let people know what im going through.
There's not really a sign that could explain it all without it being the biggest sign in the world.
I wish people understood better, but i can't expect them to, because i don't even understand.

But i can still wish that someone understood and knew exactly what to say all the time.
I find it hard to be around people sometimes simply because im in a strange mood, feeling like im on the verge of crying but not really there, like i could easy be pushed over the line, never like they could pull me back.
I wish there was someone who could pull me away from the edge, but there's no one.
Only person who could do that is the reason why i am so messed up right now. Not blaming him because he would never have left me if he had a choise.

Right now i want to sit on mumble with my guild but i know not everyone knows, there's so many new people and not everyone reads the forum either.. especially not 1 month old posts.
I am afraid of joining any other channel than the AFK-channel because im not feeling well today.
I wish there was a channel there just for me when i want to have people around but i want them to be carefull and think about what they say. Yeah it is asking for alot and it's not rational but nothing about my situation is rational other than the fact it isn't rational.. very confusing i know, emagine living with the confusion.. yeah that's right you'r lucky if your not..

I really do wish there was a channel for me on mumble when i feel like this, because i want to be social but i don't want people around who aren't understanding.. making jokes about cancer or even talking about cancer for that matter unless it's something personal, joking about death.. anything that MIGHT be insensetive towards me.
Maybe i should request my own channel.. thing is other people might want one too and not be too understanding if they don't know me. I don't think the officers would find it unreasonable though concidering they know what im going through and the reason behind me wanting one..
I just want somewhere i can sit and hope taht someone feels like talking to a mess of a person like me when i am in this kind of mood.

Strange entry this is.. just clearing my head a bit.

Found this Avril Lavigne song today.. it really hit home.

Dream

Last night i was dreaming about you. It was that kind of dream were you are dreaming in your dream.. Or more like you were a figment of my emagination in my dream..
I was the only one who could see you and touch you. My family didn't care that i was seeing things because it made me happy.
It was like revisiting a memory of when you were here.

Scent

Sometimes when im going to take some socks out of my dresser i can smell that one pair of them in there smells like your detergent.. I can't wear that pair simply because it smells like you and i don't wanna ruin it. I keep one pair in a plastic bag just for the reason that i want to keep the smell. I remember when you were here in my room with your luggage.. My hole room smelled like your detergent, it always makes me think of you.

Now i was actually trying to clean up a bit in my room and i wasn't thinking about you for a bit.. Then i picked up a skirt and threw it on the bed and when i did taht a wift of air went across my face and i smelled that this skirt had your detergent because the last time i washed it i was with you in Slovenia. So yeah then the waterworks instantly came over me and i had to stop cleaning, i wasn't prepared for it like i am with the sockdrawer so it kind of shocked me.

I miss you so much.

Miss you

Last night i dreamt about your house.. About your family and friends.. It was sort of like a re-cap of your funeral.. I stood around that fence with your initials on it R.T.. And i cried.. next to me was Rahela crying too.
All i wanna dream about is you and i can't, i only dream about things that has to do with you but never actually you.

But i guess if i actually did dream about you then i would never get out of bed. On the other hand i'd prolly be sleeping alot more than i do now though. I miss you so much and no matter how much i try to not think about you when im going to sleep because it makes me cry, i can't. I start thinking about how you used to smell and how your back felt against my cheek and holding you hand and everything i can think of.. and when i try to think of your face infront of me.. i hit a wall and i start crying because it's too painfull because i miss you so much.

Someone screwed up my remittance to the psychologist too.. They were gonna try to hurry my case along even more but with my luck i get forgotten again.. that's how i feel.
If you were here you'd tell me to stop thinking like that, to stop being so negative eventhough you knew how much shit i've been through.. All you wanted was to see me smile. You knew i had a good reason for being so negative on things sometimes but you still tried to direct me away from the dark when i was going there..
Sometimes you were too harsh when you did so but in the end you always managed to pull me out of it. And now i really wish i had you here to do that for me.. to be strong for me when i can't.. But the thing is, you being taken from me is the reason im not able to be strong right now.
I miss you so much and i love you with all my heart.

Talking to myself

I think the "denial" period is starting to end..
It's feeling more heavy than it did before and i think im slowly starting to actually realise he is gone.
A thought strikes about him and then it starts to feel hard to breathe.. even if i try to take a deep breath it doesen't help.. It's not a panic attack or hyperventilation coming on.. it's something else and right now i don't know what it is.. maybe it's anxiety?

It's been two weeks now since i saw the doctor and i still don't have an appointment with the psychologist. I hope i get one soon because it is very hard to go through this without having someone to talk to that can actually tell me what's going on and what i am supposed to do.
I have people to talk to but it's not the same.

Yesterday i was thinking about religion and faith in god.. After everything i don't even believe in god a little bit. I used to think that maybe there was a god but since everytime i pray it feels like no one hears me i came to the conclusion that no one hears me caus i am talking to myself...
I don't wanna label what i believe in and what i don't.. I guess christians would call me an atheist, i don't feel like im an atheist.. I wish i could believe in god because maybe that would take some of my pain away instead of carrying it all by myself.
For a moment before Tony passed i threw myself out to faith and thought maybe if i do believe, someone will hear my prayer.
I did believe with all my heart and prayed for him to get better. I prayed harder than i ever have for anything.
Nobody heard me...
So to me.. there is no god.

River flows in you

This is just one of the "classical" songs that Tony liked...

I found some translations for the lyrics to this song and what it means.


If there’s a road that’s made only for you
that road is inside your pure heart
if you can endure through this pain
Than just put your soul into trusting..

holding you holding you
it’s in you, river flows in you
slowly, slowly, the river flows in me

holding you holding you
it’s in you, river flows in you
longing, waiting more, would we be there?

I would give my whole heart only to you
So that I can feel you always
If you can hold on into it just a bit longer
Than try to put your heart into it

holding you holding you
it’s in you, river flows in you
slowly, slowly, the river flows in me

holding you holding you
it’s in you, river flows in you
longing, waiting more, would we be there?


Miss you teddybear...

Take me river carry me far.

Today my biggest achievement was to get out of bed.. managed to get up 3pm.
I have been sleeping because of the sleeping pill but the night has felt long..
Various dreams gas been going on all night. Some from too much Guildwars 2 and others because i feel asleep thinking of holding Tonys hand and laying my cheek on his back... Miss him so much.
I was dreaming about his friend and family and i think a little about him too but i can't remember my dreams anymore.
I just didn't want to get out of bed today, i wanted to sleep and just not excist in this world for a while, this world that doesen't have him in it anymore. I miss him so terribly today.

The song i listen to first everyday is River by LIGHTS, it's not sad but at the same time not too happy. Just feels fitting for my life right now.

I was writing a poem last night but the insperation ran away and it started to feel cheesy and grosse so i stopped. I saved it in a draft so maybe some day i can finnish it.

Today i could really need to do some laundry and i was thinking about taht before i went to bed last nigth but now im just out of energy.. maybe i can manage a load if i try..
This days breakfast wasn't the healthiest either.. I had one cup of chocolate pudding, but i don't think it matters much since my mum comes home from work after 4pm anyways, one hour of living on some pudding isn't that bad.

Facebook whiners

Some days i am wondering why i have facebook.. i mean i know i have it to stay in tough with friends and family.
But when i am wondering why i have it is because some people are just whining about everything and everyone.. actually most of the time my news page is filled up with negative thoughts and comment about such trivial things that it upsets me.

Well i know I am now whining about them but really come on!
There as so many things worse in life than getting a bad grade, getting a small injury, having people talk smack behind your back.. I can keep going and i am not singuling anyone out so if you feel hit then stop being narcissistic, not eveything is about you.


So much self pity over such small things when everything could be so much worse.. Why not stop and just appreciate the good things in life even if you are having a bad day. For most of you that is not alot to ask.


I know i am not very positive these day and i too pity myself for things and whine.. The difference is i do NOT put it all over facebook for everyone to feel sorry for me and write a comment saying something to inspire me. It makes me sick.. it really does make me sick seing all of the whine everyday over NOTHING.
How would you feel if i posted every bad thought i had on my facebook updates?
Would you even write anything more than maybe just a "<3", i don't think you would. You'd be uncomfortable and wishing that i would stop writing such dark things that shows up on YOUR newspage.
Well i wish the same to you. I wish you'd stop before you post something and ask yourself... why am i making this update?
You know half of the time i try to write some kind of update on my facebook it is very dark and negative and then i start thinking before i post.. "Why would i want other people to read this?" and i can't think of a good reason so i delete it, just like you should too!
If i need someone to listen i go to my mum or my dad or my friends... i don't need all of the 215 people connected to my facebook to read it. I don't need to wait for comments to drop in on that dark statement. I can just call someone and talk to them instead.
So stop being so egocentric and self pitying please because i am so sick of it!

Maybe you think im a hypicrit writing about it in my blog.. but that is just the thing. This is MY BLOG not my facebook page.. i don't force anyone to read this because it is not gonna pop up on the first thing you see on your facebook page.

So please stop forcing me to read all your negative crap because i got enough of that going on bymyself.

No air

I thought i was doing a little better until yesterday... I think my mind is blocking things for me because it is far too much for me to handle... It's like those multipersonality disorder people that creates a second person to deal with the trauma that is too much for them to handle.. Except there is no extra people in my head, just a wall, a barrier that i can feel but i can't get through.
Yesterday i had a panic attack.. I am usually able to stop them before they break out but it came over me so fast i was gasping for air before i even knew what was happening.
Strange what was going through my mind when it happened.. i was showering and all of a sudden i hear myself making this strange noise and then i realise that i am taking very short breaths and that is what the sound is coming from.
I know this isn't good and i know what is happening so i sit down in the shower with the water still running.. i think to myself that i need to hold something in my hands to ground me to reality so i hold my shampoo bottle as i try to calm myself. When i stopped gasping for air and start crying instead i turn off the water and wait till i can get myself back together and stand up again... I've never felt so lonely as i did during this ordeal that felt like forever but was propobly over within a minuit.
I felt lonely eventhough there are people in the house, i felt lonely caus i was missing him.

I don't like the thought of not being able to access all my feelings eventhough it is propobly for the best. I've never been through something like this.. that i can't access all my feelings that is, i know they are there i just can't get a hold of them no matter how much i want to. I hope when i finally get to talk to someone that i can straighten some of these feelings and thoughts out that im having and eventually being able to access the rest of the stuff hiding somewhere in the back of my mind. Analysing myself isn't really good and i know that but it's something i can't help because i have been doing it my whole life.
Analysing this and knowing that something strange is going on in my mind and just knowing that doesen't solve it.. well it makes you feel kinda crazy eventhough i know im not, that it's propably a part of the griefing.

It is far too much for one person to take..

Maybe reading this for someone that isn't me and never been through this it seems very dark and perhaps crazy.. I just want you to know that i am OK. One day i will be allright again but right now i am just taking it moment by moment and day by day.

Just wanna end this post saying how happy i am that i have my family. My mum, dad and my brother caring so much for me and being here for me... well i know not everyone has that and i am truly gratefull for it. ♥