Well i haven't published anything in a long time but the truth is, when i am done with a blog post it feels too personal for everyone to read so i never publish them...
I still feel that way but i have learnt about myself that i need to share my thoughts and feeling more and be less scared of it being too personal because how are people supposed to get to know me otherwise?
So here i am, let's start over from a new page since i haven't written anything since 2014.
How are you?
Well it goes up and down. I know i have so many things to be thankful for and i appreciate all of it but being a person with mental illness there are these minor things that just break me down and sometimes major things too... To be honest this day started good but during the evening i have felt myself slowly sinking into that dark place that i hate.
What would you say cause you to go to this dark place most of the time?
Well it is mostly in my head, i know. But essentially it's people. All kinds of relationships can stress me out because of my past with the bullying, loosing one of my "best friend" (who pretty much broke up with me), gotten my heart broken a few times and of course my friend dying in a car accident, which lead to my first depression and then the death of my boyfriend Tony, which caused me to have my first panic attack and getting full-blown social anxiety.
For anyone new to my blog, that is a short briefing on my past, if you are curious (as people often are) you can read about some of it in older blog posts.
So my past has led me to having relationship problems. I am constantly scared of new friends leaving me, overall letting people in because once i do they can really hurt me by leaving, i worry about people forgetting me, i worry about why i am not invited to things. Pretty much i constantly feel different kinds of social pressure and in time this causes me to fall back to depression if it stresses me out too much.
For example i have about 85 people in my Social Work class and i feel pressure for all of them to like me, which, as you can imagine, is exhausting. And people showing interest in me on and off really stresses me out, which is something that happens with so many people in one class. It's no ones fault really, i have to learn that i can't be friends with everyone. I have to learn to cherish the people who actually show interest in spending time with me instead of focusing on all the people who don't really talk to me after class. Some people can handle this but i can't, so i have to give myself a reality check sometimes on what is important.
I tell people i love my class and i really do, i love each and every one of them. They are all so great in their own ways and yeah i wish i could be friends with everyone. I love them all because it is really in so many ways the best class i have been in because everyone is so accepting of each other. And at the same time it causes me so much stress because i love all of them, because i can't be friends with everyone. When i say friends i mean things that involve spending time with each other outside of school and sharing your hopes and dreams and also your troubles.
Only few people knew how i was doing last semester, which was not really well because of these things, sadly none of these people are in my class... I told none of my classmates how i felt, because it's not their fault i can't handle it.
Yeah starting to feel like it's getting too personal again so let's just leave that at that...
However, i am getting better at dealing with these social issues i'm having and trying to focus on what makes me feel good and makes me happy.
How are you feeling now?
I am feeling a bit better getting some things off my chest and doing so in writing makes things easier for me and i should really start blogging like i used to again.
I will be writing again either tonight already or perhaps in a few days, hopefully ^^
One of the songs i listen to when i am doubting myself
