Elementary school really sucked for me..

Most of the times when i am out walking by myself i think about a lot of things.

On my way back from the store just now i started thinking about my old school.

My best friend's daughter is 6 years old now and has started something that i would translate to play-school, a school you go to before you start actual school at age 7.

When i think about when i started going to school i don't feel happy. 

I am hoping that she is very happy in school and has lots of friends and that everyone is nice to each other.

I was bullied from the first day of play-school... The nickname i hated and that followed me from age 6 to about age 12 was so wittily thought up on my very first day... It was a word that started with the same letter as my last name. My last name is Finnish so it sounded strange to the other kids so a boy thought it was hilarious to give me a nickname.

It started with that and then it just developed and got worse and worse. I had no friends, had no voice and i was more bullied than the kid who would pick his nose and put his hand down his pants in class.. At some point it was decided that i was gross and that you couldn't sit in a seat where i had been sitting.

I don't remember very much from school because my mind has blocked all of those bad memories out, but some has stuck with me. I remember the time the guys was teasing me and calling me a pig, which still to this day i do not see any reason for at all seeing as i do not have an up turned "piggy looking" nose, i was a very skinny girl (one of the smallest in class actually) and not smelling bad or anything like that. When they were calling me piggy and making pig noises at me i shouted at them to stop, like a normal person would when being attacked. I yelled at them to "Stop!" and my teacher answers by telling me to keep my voice down... This is when i lost faith in my teacher, because it was so unfair, and i never stood up for myself again, since i was the one apparently who was going to be in trouble and not the person making me scream.

Another time was when a guy was picking on me, i don't remember all the details but i remember running away from him through the hallways and i close a door behind me and his foot got stuck under it and he got pretty hurt.. He was chasing me, tormenting me and he got hurt. What happened next? All my classmates blamed me and treated me like a villain, eventhough everyone knew he was a troublemaker and that he was chasing me when this happened. 

I was in this class from age 6 to 12, suffering worst part of the bullying with them during the earlier years. Not that they stopped later on, it just stopped being as intense as it was when i was 6-9 years old.

In middle school (högstadiet) everyone got new classes with a mix from people in their old class and people from other classes and other schools. I was assigned to a class where i funny enough had no actual friends? I don't know how that happened since we got to write a list of people we wanted to be in the same class as in order of priority.. i got put in the same class as the last person on my list and we were not friends, i just thought he was alright. 

To keep this story i'm about to get into a bit shorter i will not give all the details but i then met some girls in another class who had went to another school than me before and we became friends and i asked to be transferred to their class instead. 

After some time one of the girls wanted to shut the other one out and so we did (yeah awefull i know), we phased her out of our group. This girl changed so much and was treating me worse and worse also, but she was my only friend. Then later on this girl from my old class (who is a bit crazy also btw) asked me about her and i said something about her not being nice and then she went and told her about it. My "friend" confronted me about it, basically asking me if i had called her a bitch. I was honest but she wouldn't really listen to what i had to say and decided to hate me with a burning passion from that day on. She would send me notes with threats on them in class, flip me off in the hallway and wrote profanities on my locker.

I was met with a lot of "girl hate" all through middle school, which i am sure a lot of other girls can relate to aswell because teenage girls are horrible to each other. 

I did, however, start to stand up for myself more during middle school. One time one of the girls who was very popular in my old class came up to me and told me she was doing her internship at my boyfriend's job (he was 5 years older than me). She told me i shouldn't worry about her stealing him from me... I quickly responded that i wasn't worried about it. Her friend then got angry and asked me if i didn't think she was hot and i just said, i just don't think he wants you.

I bet if i hadn't been the athlete i was she would have wanted to kick my ass at that moment, but if she did she knew she would be the one ending up hurt as she would be no match for me so she just huffed and puffed and stormed off. 

That moment felt great. Not letting her scare me anymore and standing up for myself.

That is some of my bully history in school, i don't remember much as i said but i was bullied from age 6 to the year i was turning 16.. 10 years of bullying.

I know other kids go through similar things, but i still hope that the kids at my friends daughter's school treat eachother with kindness and respect and that they have teachers who work actively against bullying.

Mental health and relationships

Figured if i start writing more regularly i will not find myself so overwhelmed everytime..

There is something scary about people finding my blog and reading it but if i din't want to share, why would i post things?

I have decided to start making youtube vids again but i need to purchase a new editing program first and that is just not in the budget for this month.

I am going to put myself out there and fight my fears like i used to.. i miss 2013 Tezzi, she was so brave. I want to have parts of her with me again and if i wasn't that then i have to strive towards that.

I am glad that i have gotten a better perspective of who deserves the time i spend on them and proud of how far i have come in building real and healthy friendships.

My biggest goal right now apart from managing my studies is to get an appointment with a psychologist.. proves harder for me than i thought since they always want you to call these day, why do they even have a message service if you can't use it? I will fix this by actually going to the health care center and ask them in person for an appointment.. i wish phone calls didn't cause so much anxiety for me but they do and combined with my fear for hospitals and doctors it's even worse.

So biggest goal for the future is getting myself an appointment so i can start talking to a professional again because that is something i need on and off and frankly it would be a relief to stop analyzing things i do etc all by myself.
I am much better than i was a year ago but there are some days that i just exhaust myself and it makes me not being able to sleep and stuff because i'm overthinking very small problems in my life...

It's so strange in some ways that i'm doing so much better considering all the changes that has happened but i suppose they pushed me forward in life somehow. China as a total experience with everything that happened i think shocked me back to a more neutral zone again or something?

My breakup after a relationship going on for over 3 years is something that fascinates me a lot as well, especially considering how other people react on my reaction towards it. Not talking about how it all went down but the fact that i am totally fine. I haven't talked to many people about what happened because frankly it does not matter. My classmates ask me about how i am doing and i am just like " Umm it happened in June so it was a long time ago". Apparently people think a few month is not a long time but for me, i am totally fine. I mean yeah okay i am a person who has no problem with being on her own but at the same time hates being single. All the confusion that comes with it and all the people who sees you as available, because you are. It's just a bit much sometimes for my prone-to-overthink mind and i have to check myself quite a lot. But not being in that particular relationship anymore is not something that i feel very sad about.

All my life experiences turn me into the person i am and i always commit to my partner 100% so i have no regrets in the end. I know that it can be difficult to be one of the people i feel closest to sometimes (like when i am going through a depression), but i keep growing and learning how to handle my depression with other people and everything that goes down involving that is not just my fault. Sure it is up to me to draw the line and not allowing my partner for example to be an enabler, not letting them be my only source to making me feel better.

I have learnt this through 2 of my relationships. I learnt at least two things and that is that it is not my fault that the depression comes in between the relationship and that it is up to me to not, as i said, let them enable it. When you love someone you want to support them, it's natural and it is also a natural reaction to want to be taken care of.

The longest relationship i had taught me these 2 lessons BUT, my latest relationship made me apply the natural reaction, i tried to set a boundary in the beginning but since i was told it was okay, i allowed it. We let it be a part of the relationship and in the long run it made my depression worse because i put my mental health in someone else's hands. If that someone was my psychologist then it would be totally fine but it is not healthy for that to be your partner, it was bad for me and it was bad for our relationship.

You live and you learn, it is up to me to set that boundary and to keep it. It is only up to my partner to love me on my good and  my bad days but not be the fix to my problem.

Too personal?

Haven't written here in a VERY long time.
Well i haven't published anything in a long time but the truth is, when i am done with a blog post it feels too personal for everyone to read so i never publish them...

I still feel that way but i have learnt about myself that i need to share my thoughts and feeling more and be less scared of it being too personal because how are people supposed to get to know me otherwise?

So here i am, let's start over from a new page since i haven't written anything since 2014.

How are you?
Well it goes up and down. I know i have so many things to be thankful for and i appreciate all of it but being a person with mental illness there are these minor things that just break me down and sometimes major things too... To be honest this day started good but during the evening i have felt myself slowly sinking into that dark place that i hate.

What would you say cause you to go to this dark place most of the time?
Well it is mostly in my head, i know. But essentially it's people. All kinds of relationships can stress me out because of my past with the bullying, loosing one of my "best friend" (who pretty much broke up with me), gotten my heart broken a few times and of course my friend dying in a car accident, which lead to my first depression and then the death of my boyfriend Tony, which caused me to have my first panic attack and getting full-blown social anxiety.

For anyone new to my blog, that is a short briefing on my past, if you are curious (as people often are) you can read about some of it in older blog posts.

So my past has led me to having relationship problems. I am constantly scared of new friends leaving me, overall letting people in because once i do they can really hurt me by leaving, i worry about people forgetting me, i worry about why i am not invited to things. Pretty much i constantly feel different kinds of social pressure and in time this causes me to fall back to depression if it stresses me out too much.
For example i have about 85 people in my Social Work class and i feel pressure for all of them to like me, which, as you can imagine, is exhausting. And people showing interest in me on and off  really stresses me out, which is something that happens with so many people in one class. It's no ones fault really, i have to learn that i can't be friends with everyone. I have to learn to cherish the people who actually show interest in spending time with me instead of focusing on all the people who don't really talk to me after class. Some people can handle this but i can't, so i have to give myself a reality check sometimes on what is important.

I tell people i love my class and i really do, i love each and every one of them. They are all so great in their own ways and yeah i wish i could be friends with everyone. I love them all because it is really in so many ways the best class i have been in because everyone is so accepting of each other. And at the same time it causes me so much stress because i love all of them, because i can't be friends with everyone. When i say friends i mean things that involve spending time with each other outside of school and sharing your hopes and dreams and also your troubles.

Only few people knew how i was doing last semester, which was not really well because of these things, sadly none of these people are in my class... I told none of my classmates how i felt, because it's not their fault i can't handle it.

Yeah starting to feel like it's getting too personal again so let's just leave that at that...

However, i am getting better at dealing with these social issues i'm having and trying to focus on what makes me feel good and makes me happy.

How are you feeling now?
I am feeling a bit better getting some things off my chest and doing so in writing makes things easier for me and i should really start blogging like i used to again.

I will be writing again either tonight already or perhaps in a few days, hopefully ^^

One of the songs i listen to when i am doubting myself