Mental health and relationships

Figured if i start writing more regularly i will not find myself so overwhelmed everytime..

There is something scary about people finding my blog and reading it but if i din't want to share, why would i post things?

I have decided to start making youtube vids again but i need to purchase a new editing program first and that is just not in the budget for this month.

I am going to put myself out there and fight my fears like i used to.. i miss 2013 Tezzi, she was so brave. I want to have parts of her with me again and if i wasn't that then i have to strive towards that.

I am glad that i have gotten a better perspective of who deserves the time i spend on them and proud of how far i have come in building real and healthy friendships.

My biggest goal right now apart from managing my studies is to get an appointment with a psychologist.. proves harder for me than i thought since they always want you to call these day, why do they even have a message service if you can't use it? I will fix this by actually going to the health care center and ask them in person for an appointment.. i wish phone calls didn't cause so much anxiety for me but they do and combined with my fear for hospitals and doctors it's even worse.

So biggest goal for the future is getting myself an appointment so i can start talking to a professional again because that is something i need on and off and frankly it would be a relief to stop analyzing things i do etc all by myself.
I am much better than i was a year ago but there are some days that i just exhaust myself and it makes me not being able to sleep and stuff because i'm overthinking very small problems in my life...

It's so strange in some ways that i'm doing so much better considering all the changes that has happened but i suppose they pushed me forward in life somehow. China as a total experience with everything that happened i think shocked me back to a more neutral zone again or something?

My breakup after a relationship going on for over 3 years is something that fascinates me a lot as well, especially considering how other people react on my reaction towards it. Not talking about how it all went down but the fact that i am totally fine. I haven't talked to many people about what happened because frankly it does not matter. My classmates ask me about how i am doing and i am just like " Umm it happened in June so it was a long time ago". Apparently people think a few month is not a long time but for me, i am totally fine. I mean yeah okay i am a person who has no problem with being on her own but at the same time hates being single. All the confusion that comes with it and all the people who sees you as available, because you are. It's just a bit much sometimes for my prone-to-overthink mind and i have to check myself quite a lot. But not being in that particular relationship anymore is not something that i feel very sad about.

All my life experiences turn me into the person i am and i always commit to my partner 100% so i have no regrets in the end. I know that it can be difficult to be one of the people i feel closest to sometimes (like when i am going through a depression), but i keep growing and learning how to handle my depression with other people and everything that goes down involving that is not just my fault. Sure it is up to me to draw the line and not allowing my partner for example to be an enabler, not letting them be my only source to making me feel better.

I have learnt this through 2 of my relationships. I learnt at least two things and that is that it is not my fault that the depression comes in between the relationship and that it is up to me to not, as i said, let them enable it. When you love someone you want to support them, it's natural and it is also a natural reaction to want to be taken care of.

The longest relationship i had taught me these 2 lessons BUT, my latest relationship made me apply the natural reaction, i tried to set a boundary in the beginning but since i was told it was okay, i allowed it. We let it be a part of the relationship and in the long run it made my depression worse because i put my mental health in someone else's hands. If that someone was my psychologist then it would be totally fine but it is not healthy for that to be your partner, it was bad for me and it was bad for our relationship.

You live and you learn, it is up to me to set that boundary and to keep it. It is only up to my partner to love me on my good and  my bad days but not be the fix to my problem.